Ten years ago, driven by my nature of arrogance and by my nature of disobeying God, I always could not entirely obey the arrangements of God’s family in performing my duty. I obeyed what was to my liking; but for what was not to my liking, I obeyed it selectively or simply disobeyed it. And consequently in performing my duty I seriously breached the work arrangements and went my own way and thus offended God’s nature; and I was dismissed home. After several years of soul-searching, I had more or less gained the knowledge of my nature, but I still had little knowledge of the truth about God’s substance. Later, God’s family gave me another opportunity—let me take charge of the gospel work. Then I had suspicions about God: I am so corrupt and I had ever done things of offending God’s nature. How could God’s family use me? Am I to be made used of? Will I be eliminated after being used? Ay, now that God’s family has given me this opportunity, I will treasure it. Even if I am a serving one, it’s good enough. Since then I performed my duty with such a mentality, not thinking of the higher pursuit—to be perfected by God.
Once, during my spiritual devotions, I read these words of God: “Now you cannot just be content with how you should be conquered, but you have to consider how you should walk your future path. You have to have the will and the courage to be perfected. Do not always think that you cannot make it. Can the truth treat anyone unfairly? Can the truth oppose anyone purposely? If you pursue the truth, can the truth press you down? If you stand for justice, will justice beat you down? If you really have the will to pursue life, can life shun you? If you do not have the truth, it is not because the truth does not take heed of you but because you stay away from the truth; if you cannot stand for justice, it is not because justice makes a mistake but because you think that justice distorts the fact; if you pursue for years but fail to gain life, it is not because life is conscienceless toward you but because you are conscienceless toward life and you banish life. … If you do not pursue, it can only mean that you are a worthless cheap thing, you do not have the courage to live, you do not have the spirit to revolt against the power of darkness, and you are too cowardly! Thus, you cannot break free from the siege of satanic power but are willing to live your whole life peacefully like this and die ignorant like this. If you pursue to be conquered, this is what you should do and is the obligation you should fulfill. If you are content to be conquered, you are banishing the existence of the light.”
After I ate and drank this passage of God’s word, my heart was touched greatly. Seeing that God’s intention was for all people to pursue to be perfected, I made this resolution: I will drop my suspicions, no longer be passive, believe God’s words, and strive to pursue to be perfected by God. But gradually, as I did not know God’s substance of faithfulness, I could not believe God’s words again and I always felt that these words were spoken to others, and to a person like me they were but comfort and encouragement. I always thought: I once offended God’s nature, my nature is so corrupt, and I still manifest some corruptions from time to time in performing my duty, so I’m afraid I won’t be perfected no matter how hard I pursue. If I can be a serving one, that will be good enough. Thus, I unconsciously lived in a passive state again. Afterward, although the above fellowshipped many times about the truth of knowing God’s substance, I was still unclear about it.
One day, when eating and drinking God’s words, I read these words of God: “God’s substance is faithful; he does what he says and accomplishes what he does. He is faithful. …” At the moment I suddenly seemed to understand something within, as if the fogs filling my heart vanished instantly, and my misunderstandings and misgivings of years disappeared all at once. I also remembered a passage of God’s word that I ate and drank before: “If you really have the will to pursue life, can life shun you? If you do not have the truth, it is not because the truth does not take heed of you but because you stay away from the truth; if you cannot stand for justice, it is not because justice makes a mistake but because you think that justice distorts the fact; if you pursue for years but fail to gain life, it is not because life is conscienceless toward you but because you are conscienceless toward life and you banish life. …” At that moment, I deeply felt that God’s words, between the lines, radiated bright awe-inspiring righteousness and infinite love and appeared so noble and supernatural…. And my baseness narrow-mindedness and decadence were even more manifested. God is faithful and this is unquestionable and impeccable. God has the substance of faithfulness, and he is trustworthy. God saves man to the utmost. As long as people pursue the truth and pursue the transformation of their nature according to God’s requirements, God will definitely make them complete. For God will do what he says and accomplish what he does. However, I suspected that eventually God would “kill the donkey the moment it left the millstone” as man would. I did not treat God’s word as the truth at all, and even less did I believe God truly, absolutely. Rather, I lived in the imaginations and suspicions from my mind and thinking, lacking courage before the truth, yielding to the forces of darkness cowardly and being unable to stand up for righteousness. At that moment, I truly experienced that it was so important to pursue to know God’s substance. If in the past I had paid attention to pursuing to know God’s nature and God’s substance, I would not have lived in suspicions for so many years and my life growth would not have been held up.
O Almighty God, I thank you! You have cared for me, inspired me and guided me out of the misgivings. In the past, I did not know you and often lived in misunderstanding of you. I could not make certain about your words, regarding your words as merely the words of comforting and encouraging man; I did not treat your word as the truth and the life, and even less did I treat you as God. But you didn’t treat me according to my transgressions. Instead, you forgave me and were patient with me, giving me the opportunity to repent, inspiring and enlightening me, and then I gained a little knowledge of your substance of faithfulness and your substance of righteousness. This is exactly the manifestation of your love for man. O God! From now on, I will try hard to gain the truth of knowing you, live up to your expectations for me, pursue to know your substance, and strive to be transformed in my nature and be perfected by you soon.
Since then my years of misunderstandings and suspicions about God disappeared without a trace. A heartening strength often surges in my heart, and I never again become passive, nor am I content with being conquered any longer, but pursue to be perfected by God and have been fully living in a positive state.
Zhengzhou City, Henan Province