It Was So Selfish and Base of Me to Safeguard My Own Interests
With the demands of the work, I was transferred to a new working area to perform my duty.
At one meeting, the several small-district leaders said to me: “It’s very tiring to coordinate with you. Just having finished one thing, we have to do another. We can hardly bear this.” Hearing that they all had such opinions of me, I thought: Their impression of me is poor because I pressed them to work hard. No! In future I won’t urge them to work as hard as before.
From then on, I didn’t criticize if I could avoid to criticize. And I no longer pressed them to fill the gospel quotas as hard as before. Then none of them complained about me. But, the result of every work declined rapidly. The result of the gospel work, in particular, declined drastically. Fewer people were brought into God’s family while more people were purged or expelled. My spirit was particularly darkened and my heart was in agony. Then I came before God and prayed: “O God! Now there’s no result achieved in the work, but I don’t know in what things I have disobeyed you. May you inspire me so that I can know myself.”
After my seeking, God’s word inspired me: “Many times I respectfully tell the brothers and sisters who are together with me that we should believe in God with our heart, and should not safeguard our personal interests but should care for God’s intention. I many times wept bitterly in God’s presence. Why don’t people show consideration for God’s intention? …but always maintain their abnormal interpersonal relationships? I feel sick at the sight of such people. They do not mind the way the Holy Spirit walks but pay attention to men’s doings. Can they satisfy God’s heart this way?” “When I see that people always deceive God, have no will, care for their flesh, or scramble for fame and gain to set up a flagpole for themselves, how can my heart not be extremely grieved? Why are people so insensible? Is what I do without any result? Supposing that your children are all disobedient children and are undutiful to you, are all conscienceless, only care for themselves, never show their consideration for your heart, and kick you out of the house when they are grown up, how will you feel then? Won’t you be full of tears…?”
God’s words woke me up suddenly. Now I knew that the results of my work declined rapidly simply because I safeguarded my personal interests and never cared for God’s intention, which incurred God’s loathing. At the moment I seemed to feel God’s extreme grief resulting from my disobedience. My conscience was bitterly reproached. God has entrusted me with the work of the whole working area. What a great uplifting and trust this is to me! God has placed many hopes on me, expecting that I can have a true burden for the work of every aspect and with a sincere heart cooperate with him in his work of saving man on earth so that his will can be carried out smoothly. However, I disregarded God’s intention. To preserve my place in others’ hearts and give them a good impression of me, I even took the work of God’s family to make a deal, safeguarding my personal interests at the expense of that of God’s family. I was really too selfish and base! God cares for me and keeps me day and night, feeds me carefully with his words, and cultivates and trains me in the work. He has expended so many painstaking efforts on me, fostering me little by little up to today. But when God asked me to consecrate myself for his will, I only cared for myself and never showed consideration for God’s heart. I am purely a son of disobedience! Do I have any conscience and reason? I have really betrayed God’s years of cultivation to me. How can I such a person be worthy to accept God’s commission and to remain in God’s family?
When I thought of this, tears of remorse and self-reproach streamed down my cheeks. O God, because of my disobedience I caused you too much grief. According to my attitude toward the commission, I was unworthy to be a leader in God’s family but only deserved your punishment and curse. However, you did not treat me according to my transgressions but woke me up by your words. O God, I am willing to turn back to you at once. No matter how others treat me, I will give up my personal interests, take carrying out your will as my bounden duty, do my utmost to cooperate with you, and try to make up for the loss in the work to comfort your heart.
Fushun City, Liaoning Province