58. Jealousy, the Chronic Illness of the Heart
He Jiejing Hezhou City, Guangxi Province
A sister and I were paired up to revise articles together. As we were meeting, I realized that it didn’t matter whether it was singing, dancing, understanding God’s word, or fellowshiping about the truth, she was better than me in all these things. The brothers and sisters of the host family all liked her and would seek her out to fellowship with her. Because of this, my heart was quite unsettled and I felt like I was being given the cold shoulder—even to the point of thinking that as long as she was there, there was no place for me. In my heart, I began to feel fed up with her and I didn’t want to work with her in fulfilling our duties anymore. I hoped that she would leave so that the brothers and sisters would like me and think highly of me.
One day, a leader came to have a meeting with us. The sister I worked with requested to be transferred to different duties because of emotional refinement she was going through that had put her in a negative state. I was very happy to hear her say this, and I thought: “I had always hoped that you would go. If you go, then I can have my day in the sun.” Therefore, I was eager for the leader to immediately assign her to another duty. However, things backfired on me and the leader didn’t want to give her a new duty, and she patiently fellowshiped about the truth with her, and helped her change her state. When I saw this, I felt incredibly anxious, and my desire for her to leave became even more pressing. I thought: “When will I be able to have my day in the sun if she doesn’t leave this time? No, I have to think of a way to make her leave as soon as possible.” Consequently, I took the opportunity when the sister was not present to give the leader further details, saying: “She usually has emotional refinement that inhibits her from focusing on revising articles. Now she has lost the work of the Holy Spirit and is not able to revise the articles anymore. It has already affected the church’s work of editing and compiling articles. You might as well assign her to a new duty. Sister X is pretty good at writing articles, you could choose her to revise the articles. She might be more worth cultivating….”
Afterward, I recalled what I had said, and the word of God came to me in reproach: “Cruel, brutal mankind! The conniving and intrigue, the jostling with each other, the scramble for reputation and fortune, the mutual slaughter—when will it ever end? God has spoken hundreds of thousands of words, yet no one has come to their senses. … How many do not oppress and discriminate against others for the sake of maintaining their own status?” (“The Wicked Must Be Punished” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). In facing God’s words of judgment, I felt as if God was reprimanding me to my face. Immediately I began to tremble with fear and couldn’t help but feel afraid for my words and actions. Was I not one of the people revealed by the word of God who “oppress and discriminate against others for the sake of maintaining their own status”? When I saw that the sister I was working with was better than me at everything, and that the brothers and sisters all liked her, I became jealous in my heart. I was fed up with her, I discriminated against her, and hoped she would leave soon so that I could have my day in the sun. In order to get this sister to leave, and for the brothers and sisters to pay attention to me and for me to have a place in their hearts, I took advantage of the sister’s bad state and told tales on her to the leader in the name of protecting the church’s interests, hoping in vain to use the leader to root her out. My conduct completely exposed my true colors and revealed me as a sinister and malicious viper, and that I was indeed the progeny of the great red dragon! In order to create a dictatorship, the great red dragon will use any means necessary to root out dissidents; in order to be at the core of my brothers and sisters and make them like me and revolve around me, I employed crafty schemes to root out those who were of no benefit to me. The great red dragon is envious of those greater than itself and harms those with noble aspirations; I was jealous of this sister because she was better than me at everything and I tried to use deplorable methods to get rid of her. The great red dragon convicts and slaughters people for its own purposes; in order to obtain my own purposes, I intentionally exaggerated the sister’s faults. My conduct was exactly the same as that of the deplorable actions of the great red dragon; I was simply arrogant and conceited, sinister and treacherous, and malicious to the extreme. The church had arranged for us to work together so that we could help and assist each other, so that we could fulfill our duty well with one heart and mind to satisfy God. It was also so that we could use our strengths to make up for each other’s weaknesses, so that we could understand and obtain more truths and have our life dispositions changed. But I didn’t understand the will of God in the slightest degree. When I saw the sister was in a bad state, not only did I not support and help her with a loving heart, but on the contrary, for the sake of contending for my own position, I couldn’t wait for her to be speedily replaced—I really had been so malicious. I didn’t have even a shred of a loving heart that a normal person should have, and I had completely lost my humanity to the point that I would use any means to accomplish my own purposes. If I didn’t hurry and repent, I would surely be ultimately destroyed by God along with the great red dragon.
After I’d come to a realization of my own true state, I had more appreciation for the great pains and effort God goes to to save me. God used this situation to expose me and judge me, and to make me see clearly the deplorable, ugly truth of my corruption by Satan, so that I would be able to pursue the truth and change myself. I truly give thanks to God! It was God’s judgment and chastisement that awakened me in time to make me see that my conduct was exactly the same as that of the great red dragon, and that I am truly the progeny of the great red dragon in name and in deed. This has also caused true hatred for my satanic nature to arise within me. From this time on, I wish to forsake my satanic nature, no longer contend for anything for my own sake, and no longer be jealous of those who are better than me. I wish to work together in earnest with this sister, to use our strengths to make up for each other’s weaknesses, and to fulfill our duty together to satisfy God. Even more, I wish to pursue the truth and cast off the poisons of the great red dragon, thereby living out a true human likeness to bring comfort to God’s heart!