58. Jealousy, the Spiritual Chronic Illness
He Jiejing Hezhou City, Guangxi Province
A sister and I were paired up to revise articles together. As we were meeting, I realized that it didn’t matter whether it was singing, dancing, receiving God’s word, or communicating truth, she was better than me in each aspect. The brothers and sisters of the host family all liked her and would talk with her. Because of this, my heart was quite unsettled and I felt like I had received the cold shoulder—even to the point of thinking that as long as she was there, there was no place for me. In my heart I began to feel fed up with her and unwilling to accompany her in fulfilling our duties. I hoped that she would leave so that the brothers and sisters would like me and think highly of me.
One day, a leader came to us. The sister had requested to be transferred to different duties because of emotional refinement she was going through that was making her state negative. Upon hearing her say this, I became extremely excited. I thought: I had always hoped that you would go. If you go, then I will be out of my predicament. Therefore, I was eager for the leader to immediately give her another assignment. However, things backfired on me and the leader not only didn’t give her a new assignment, but she patiently communicated truth with her and helped her change her situation. When I saw this, I felt especially anxious, and hoped even more the sister would leave. I thought: When will I be able to be out of this predicament if she doesn’t leave this time? No, I have to think of a way to quickly make her leave. Consequently, I took the opportunity when the sister was not present to give the leader further details, saying: “She usually has emotional refinement that inhibits her from focusing on revising articles. Now she has lost the work of the Holy Spirit and is not able to revise the articles. It has already affected the church’s work of editing and compiling articles. You might as well give her a new assignment. Sister X is better at writing articles, you could choose her to revise the articles. She might have better cultivating value than the sister I am paired with.” As soon as I had finished saying this, the word of God came into me reproaching me: “Cruel, brutal mankind! The conniving and intrigue, the jostling with each other, the scramble for reputation and fortune, the mutual slaughter—when will it ever end? God has spoken hundreds of thousands of words, yet no one has come to their senses. … How many do not oppress and discriminate against others for the sake of maintaining their own status?” (“The Wicked Must Be Punished” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). In facing God’s words of judgment, I felt as if God was severely reprimanding me face to face. Immediately I began to tremble with fear and couldn’t help but feel afraid for the words I had just spoken. Am I not as the people revealed by the word of God who “oppress and discriminate against others for the sake of maintaining their own status”? When I saw that the sister I was working with was better than me in every aspect and that the brothers and sisters all liked her, I became jealous in my heart. I was fed up with her, I discriminated against her, and hoped she would leave soon so that I would be out of my predicament. In order to get the brothers and sisters to pay attention to me so that I felt like I had status with them, I took advantage of the sister’s bad situation and tattletaled on her to the leader in the name of protecting the church’s interest. It was my vain attempt to use the leader to root her out. My conduct completely exposed my true appearance and revealed that I was a sinister and malicious viper, that I was indeed the child of the great red dragon! In order to create a dictatorship, the great red dragon will use any means necessary to root out dissidents. In order to be at the core of my brothers and sisters and make them want to be around me, I craftily rooted out those who were not advantageous to me. The great red dragon is envious of those greater than it and destroys those with noble aspirations. I was also jealous of this sister because she was better than me in every aspect and I used deplorable methods to cast her out. The great red dragon convicts and slaughters people for its own purposes. In order to obtain my own purposes, I intentionally exaggerated about the sister. My conduct was exactly the same as that of the great red dragon; I was simply arrogant, sinister, and malicious to the extreme. The church had arranged for us to work together so that we could help and assist each other, so that we could do a good work with one heart and mind to please God. It was also so that we could use our strengths to make up for the other’s weaknesses so that we could understand and obtain more truth and change our disposition. But I didn’t understand the will of God in the slightest degree. When I saw the sister was in a bad situation, I not only didn’t rely on love to help her, but I also looked forward to her quick replacement in order to protect my position. I am really so malicious. My nature is so spoiled. I didn’t have the love that a normal person should have. I had completely lost my humanity to the point that I would use any means to accomplish my own purposes. If I don’t hurry and repent, I must ultimately be destroyed with the great red dragon.
Thank God! Your judgment and chastisement has awoken me in time to make me see that my conduct was exactly the same as that of the great red dragon and that I am truly a child of the great red dragon in name and in deed. This has caused me to despise the nature of Satan that is in me. From this time on, I will turn from the nature of Satan that is in me. I will no longer fight for myself. I will hope to work better with this sister to fulfill our duties and satisfy God. I will be more willing to seek truth and throw off the poison of the great red dragon, thereby living as a genuine person to comfort God!