67. Jealousy—the Chronic Illness of the Heart
By He Jiejing, Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region
I performed my duty with Sister Zhang and, through the course of our acquaintance, I found that not only did she have a pure understanding of God’s word and that she fellowshiped about the truth very clearly, but that she was also good at singing and dancing. She was better than me at everything. The brother and sister of our host family liked her very much and would seek her out to fellowship with her. Because of this, my heart was quite unsettled and I felt like I was being given the cold shoulder—even to the point of thinking that as long as she was there, there was no place for me. In my heart, I began to feel fed up with her and I didn’t want to work with her in fulfilling our duties anymore. I hoped that she would leave so that the brothers and sisters would like me and think highly of me.
One day, a leader came to have a meeting with us. Due to her negative state, Sister Zhang requested to be transferred to a different duty. I was very happy to hear her say this, and I thought: “I had always hoped that you would go. If you go, then I can have my day in the sun.” Therefore, I was eager for the leader to immediately assign her to another duty. However, things backfired on me and the leader didn’t give her a new duty, and she patiently fellowshiped about the truth with her, and helped her change her state. When I saw this, I felt incredibly anxious, and my desire for her to leave became even more pressing. I thought: “When will I be able to have my day in the sun if she doesn’t leave this time? No, I have to think of a way to make her leave as soon as possible.” Consequently, I took the opportunity when the sister was not present to give the leader further highly colored details, saying: “Her bad state usually inhibits her from focusing on her duty. Now she has lost the work of the Holy Spirit and it has already affected the church’s work. You might as well assign her to a new duty. Sister X is pretty good and is more worth cultivating. You could choose her to perform this duty….”
Afterward, I recalled what I had said, and the word of God came to me in reproach: “Cruel, brutal mankind! The conniving and intrigue, the jostling with each other, the scramble for reputation and fortune, the mutual slaughter—when will it ever end? God has spoken hundreds of thousands of words, yet no one has come to their senses. … How many do not oppress and discriminate against others for the sake of maintaining their own status?” (“The Wicked Must Be Punished” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). In facing God’s words of judgment, I felt as if God was reprimanding me to my face. Immediately I began to tremble with fear and couldn’t help but feel afraid for my words and actions. Was I not one of the people revealed by the word of God who “oppress and discriminate against others for the sake of maintaining their own status”? When I saw that Sister Zhang was better than me at everything, and that the brothers and sisters all liked her, I became jealous in my heart. I was fed up with her, I discriminated against her, and hoped she would leave soon so that I could have my day in the sun. In order to get this sister to leave, and for the brothers and sisters to pay attention to me and for me to have a place in their hearts, I took advantage of the sister’s bad state and told tales on her to the leader under the guise of protecting the church’s interests, hoping to use the leader to root her out. My conduct completely exposed my true colors and revealed my sinister and malicious satanic disposition. In order to create a dictatorship, the CCP will use any means necessary to root out dissidents; in order to be at the core of my brothers and sisters and make them like me and revolve around me, I employed crafty schemes to root out those who were of no benefit to me. The CCP is envious of those greater than itself and harms those with noble aspirations; I was jealous of this sister because she was better than me at everything and I tried to use deplorable methods to get rid of her. The CCP frames and slaughters people for its own purposes; in order to obtain my own purposes, I intentionally exaggerated the sister’s faults. My conduct was exactly the same as the deplorable actions of the CCP; I truly am a loyal child of Satan! The church had arranged for us to work together so that we could help and assist each other, so that we could fulfill our duty well with one heart and mind to satisfy God. It was also so that we could use our strengths to make up for each other’s weaknesses, so that we could understand and obtain more truths and have our life dispositions changed. But I didn’t understand the will of God in the slightest degree. When I saw the sister was in a bad state, not only did I not support and help her with a loving heart, but on the contrary, for the sake of contending for my own position, I couldn’t wait for her to be speedily replaced, to the point that I would use any means to accomplish my own purposes. If I didn’t hurry and repent, I would surely be ultimately destroyed by God along with Satan.
After I’d come to a realization of my own true state, I had more appreciation for the great pains and effort God goes to to save me. God used this situation to expose me and judge me, and to make me see clearly my deplorable, ugly true face that came from Satan’s corruption, and through this enabled me to generate true hatred for my satanic nature, so that I would be able to pursue the truth and change myself. I truly give thanks to God! It was God’s judgment and chastisement that awakened me in time. From this time on, I wish to forsake my satanic nature, no longer contend for anything for my own sake, and no longer be jealous of those who are better than me. I wish to work together in earnest with this sister, to use our strengths to make up for each other’s weaknesses, and to fulfill our duty together to satisfy God. Even more, I wish to pursue the truth and cast off my satanic dispositions, thereby living out a true human likeness to bring comfort to God’s heart!