In the fall of 1998, I accepted God’s new work. At that time, I heard that only those who had accepted this stage of God’s work had gained the true blessing and would not be destroyed in the disasters. I was very glad and also very energetic. In order not to miss any meeting, I gave up the business I was doing. Later, God’s family gave me a commission, and I accepted it with boundless joy. I thought that I had cast away what I should cast away, had given up what I should give up, and had dropped what I should drop; so I deemed that my belief in God was good enough. When I saw that many people became passive and weak or withdrew because of the “seven-year trial,” I was even secretly pleased with my “firmness”: See, all of you are inferior to me. I can cast away everything and give up everything for God. No matter how God tries me, my belief in God remains the same and unshakable. I will definitely have a share in God’s kingdom, and God will surely remember the price I have paid for God’s sake….
Just when I was pleased with myself, I read God’s word of exposing men: “Your belief in this Christ is only ten or twenty percent, and your love for her is only zero.” Immediately, I had a notion within me and began to reason with God: O Almighty God! Why do you say this word? For believing in you, I gave up my business. For believing in you, I gritted my teeth and left my two children at home. For your work, every day I toiled from dawn to dusk, running through wind and rain, and regardless of extreme heat or freezing cold, I never delayed the work of your family even for one day. However hard or difficult the work was, I never made any complaint to you. But now, you say that I have no belief in you and even less love for you. O God! If I didn’t love you, would I have paid so much price? If I didn’t love you, would I have followed you up to now? Then I read this word of God: “Your reasons may be many and your love may be great, but where is the substance of your loving me?” After I read this, my state worsened sharply. I thought: I have paid the price in vain, and have undergone the sufferings in vain. By now, I have done a thankless job. My situation is not even as good as that of the brothers and sisters who dropped out. They have earned handful upon handful of money and God has not punished them. Some others earn money and believe in God at the same time; in the end, they have kept their belief in God, have earned money, and have also taken care of their families. Alas! No one is more foolish than me. I have cast away everything, and the result is that I have gained nothing. Since things have come to such a pass, I will say nothing. I don’t care what my future will be, and I’d better make some plans for my flesh first. So, I began to earn money while believing in God. The result was that, within less than two months, I lost over 30,000 yuan in business. At the time, I not only did not wake up because of God’s discipline, but on the contrary, I again began to complain against God: “O God! How can you be so unrighteous? Others go to earn money and nothing happens to them. Why can’t I do it? Why do you always make things difficult for me?” At that time, I did not at all realize that was God’s love to me. I only wanted to leave God and give up my belief, but I did not dare to leave for fear of being punished by God. When I was at the point of being captured by satan, God bestowed his mercy and salvation to me.
Once, when I ate and drank the word of God, I read these words: “Through this step-by-step work, what have you actually gained? You even began to talk about your history. You are simply shameless! You say that you have paid a price but gained nothing. Haven’t I told you the conditions of my gaining man? Whom my work is for, do you know? You even rake up the past! Are you still a human? Don’t you endure sufferings voluntarily? Don’t you suffer for receiving blessings? Have you met all my requirements? You just want to receive blessings. Too shameless! When have I ever made peremptory requirements of you? If you want to follow me, you must obey me in everything, and should not make terms. But I have told you in advance that the way you take is the way of suffering and is fraught with grim possibilities. Have you forgotten that? … You are a gang of desperados! Afraid of nothing! You actually began to argue terms with me. Do you still want your life? You plan for yourself and scramble for fame and gain for yourself. Isn’t it all for you that I am doing the work? Are you blind? If I had not been incarnated and you could not see, it would be pardonable for you to say these words. Now I have been incarnated and work among you, can you still not see? What do you not understand? You say that you have suffered a loss. I have been incarnated to save you, a gang of desperadoes, and have done so many works, and today you are still making complaints. Tell me, have I suffered a loss or not? Isn’t everything I do for you?” God’s words, like a sharp two-edged sword, made me tremble with fear and also made me want to sink through the ground. I saw that my ragged thoughts, words, and actions were really loathsome to God and even more grievous to God! Only then did I discover that I believed in God not for performing the duty of a created being; instead, I was bartering with God, full of extravagant desires within. To receive blessings and avoid the great disasters, I was willing to give up my everything and even would not hesitate to go through fire and water. Yet I could hardly accept a single word of life that did not fit my notions. I was really too disobedient! Did I have any bit of belief in God? If I had had a bit of belief and a trace of love for God, I would not have reasoned with God nor regretted my little expending with my own intent, and even less would I have had a misgiving about God and chosen to rebel against God. Was this my belief and my love? Was there any reality of my loving God in it? Only then did I see clearly that God’s words were directed at the substance of my inherent nature, neither more nor less! With a guilty and remorseful heart, I came before God: “O God! Thank you that you loved me so, causing me to see, before the facts, the realness and accuracy of your word. Your inspiration has also made me understand that your words of exposing me and the circumstances you arranged for me, though they did not fit my notions, were all for purifying me of the mixtures in my belief. However, I, who lacked common sense, thought that you wronged my ‘sincere heart,’ and because of this I even left you and intentionally tested your nature. When your love came upon me once again, I not only did not understand your kind intention, but on the contrary, I complained against you, saying that you were deliberately making things difficult for me and making a fool of me. O God! My misunderstanding about you was too deep. I have really broken your heart! According to my actions and deeds, I deserve your curse and I’m not worthy to live before you at all. O God! I do not ask that you would tolerate and forgive my transgressions. I only wish to make up for my former indebtedness to you, correct my intent and viewpoint, and accept every word of judgment from you.”
Xuchang City, Henan Province