My Desire for Position Was Too Strong
Once, I heard hymn 174 of God’s word “What Value Does It Have to Love ‘Position,’” which goes, “Man has never loved God truly has never loved God truly. When God uplifts man, man feels himself feels himself unworthy. However, man does not satisfy God because of this satisfy God because of this, but holds in hands the ‘position’ given by God and studies it carefully. He doesn’t feel God’s loveliness, but ‘indulges in’ the blessing of position.” I was somewhat unconvinced in my heart: I’m not one who studies position and indulges in the blessing of position.
Later, I became the life deacon. At a deacons’ meeting, the church leader said, “The books have arrived, and I’ve distributed them.” I said nothing but was unhappy inwardly: “How come I didn’t know this matter? When you distributed them, you should have told me about it. In any case, I’m a deacon.” At another time, she consulted with me about the matter of distributing the books. I said, “XX does not perform duty. Let’s not give him for the time being. We may give him later according to his condition.” “OK,” she said. But over a month later, I learned that she had given one to XX. At that time, I was very upset: “Didn’t you consult with me as a formality? What is the use of my having the title of deacon? It’s really nominal. You might as well have ignored me as a deacon.” Still another time, the church assigned me to keep money records. I thought with pleasure, “My power is not small! The money of the church has to pass through my hands.” But not long afterward, I felt a void, “What is the use of keeping only the records but not the money? I have no real power.” So, I was unhappy again. And the more I thought about it, the more I felt that it was very stupid of me to be the deacon. I was no different from the ordinary brothers and sisters. If I had known this beforehand, I would rather not have served as the deacon…. Just then, I remembered hymn 174 “What Value Does It Have to Love ‘Position’”: “Man has never loved God truly has never loved God truly. …but holds in hands the ‘position’ given by God and studies it carefully. …” The past scenes rose before my eyes one after another: When the leader didn’t consult with me about that matter, I complained that she didn’t treat me as a deacon; when she didn’t listen to my opinion in distributing the books, I complained that I was a deacon in name but not in reality; when seeing that I had no “real power,” I became extremely depressed…. Am I not a person who studies “position” and indulges in the blessing of “position”? What’s more, my desire for position increased step by step and became more and more extravagant. I even thought that when I had the “position,” it was like having power in the world, and I should be distinctive. My desire for position was really too strong! And my pursuit was too absurd! I did not satisfy God in the commission given by God, bringing the brothers and sisters into the reality of God’s word; instead, I indulged in the blessing of “position,” holding in hands the “position” given by God and studying it carefully. If I go on like this, won’t I be like those fallen “great heroes” who ruined themselves by seeking position? It is really terrible! O God, I thank you for arranging the circumstances to wake me up. Otherwise, I would never have seen the danger of my seeking position, nor would I have realized that I’m also a person who indulges in the blessing of position. O God, from now on, I will not pay attention to position, nor will I rack my brains to study and analyze those worthless things. I will pursue the transformation of my nature and be faithful in my duty.
Jiaozuo City, Henan Province