After I accepted the end-time work of the Almighty God, God’s family assigned me to perform the duty of hosting. At first I was very happy. But later, when I heard that, of the brothers and sisters I formerly led, some went around the churches and some became leaders, my heart could not be still anymore. I thought, “In the Age of the Grace, the church specially trained me, and wherever I went, I was given much attention. But now, such an ‘excellent person’ is kept at home doing hosting. Isn’t a great talent employed in a small sphere?” The more I thought about it, the more vexed I became. Every day, I expected that I could become a leader. Time passed on, but no news about promoting me came. I became passive, feeling that I would not have my day. Because of this, I often shed tears.
When I felt very much wronged, because a persecution arose, my home could no longer be for hosting and the church assigned me to preach the gospel. I was overjoyed, thinking, “Now my day has finally come. I’ll start from the basic level. Since I have come out, there’s a hope for me to be promoted.” During that time, the church changed my duty several times. In order to stand the “test,” I was willing to “obey” each time. But before long, the persecution passed and the church asked me to go home and continue to do hosting. Once more, I fell into painful torment and could not extricate myself from it. I thought, “Is there any point in my believing in God? I even can’t be a leader. What will others think of me? …” The more I thought about it, the more passive I became. Whenever I heard that someone had been promoted, my heart became turbulent; whenever I heard about training people, I became nervous. In that period of time, I often had a tearful face and even had the thought of dying.
Once, I read these words in the book of God’s word: “Although you have followed until today, you still do not give up position, always ‘questioning’ closely, and observing every day…. The more you pursue in this way, the less you will gain. The stronger one’s desire for position is, the more he has to undergo greater dealings, and the more he has to go through great refining. Such a person is too worthless!” “He who does not pursue life cannot have transformation, and he who does not thirst for the truth cannot gain the truth. You do not pay attention to pursuing your transformation and entering in, but always pay attention to those extravagant desires…. Can these things transform you? Can they bring you into the kingdom?” Facing the judgment of God’s words, I suddenly woke up. Over the long period of time, it was position that I had been pursuing. For the sake of position, I disguised myself and was willing to “obey”; for the sake of position, I racked my brains and spared nothing; when I failed to get a position, I felt it meaningless to believe in God, and even wanted to die to end everything. My desire for position was too strong. My pursuit was really too debased and worthless. God wants those who pursue the truth and whose nature is transformed. However, I moved around position in circles every day. But could this thing transform me? Only then did I realize that my pursuit was contrary to God’s requirement and I was walking a path to be rejected by God. O God, thank you that you have not let my desire be fulfilled. Your such manipulation is really a great salvation and keeping for me. Without it, I would remain unrepentant on the path of no return and be ruined by “position.” O God! From now on, I will drop my desire for position and pursue the truth and the transformation of my nature in a down-to-earth manner to comfort your heart.
Dalian City, Liaoning Province