Recalling my past, I am full of compunction. It was emotion that deprived me of my conscience and kept my heart from turning to the Almighty God. As a result, in God’s commission I was always perfunctory and slipshod and did not care for God’s will at all. Later, through God’s exposing, I woke up as if from a dream, and knew myself and knew to whom my heart should belong.
Once, a sister said to me, “XX’s husband came to town and happened to run across her in the street.” She said this word unintentionally, but it evoked my yearning for my husband. During that period, my heart was completely entangled in emotion. What I thought about at every moment was my husband, and even in my dreams at night, I was with him. In my ears often echoed his words: “As long as you can live happily by believing in God, I support you….” I knew full well that this was the most diabolic trick of satan, but I could not overcome it. When walking in the street, I always indulged in fantasy: If I could stroll along this street with my husband and child hand in hand, how romantic that would be! Because my heart was always restricted by emotion, I could not be quiet before God and was absent-minded all day long. As a result, I went through the motions in going around the churches and was not serious about my work. Once, I remember, when fellowshipping with others, I almost fell asleep. When problems arose in the churches, I did not take them seriously, much less look to God and seek God’s inspiration; rather, I talked about them with the people involved in a casual and perfunctory way. When encountering things, I did not resolve them with the truth but only wanted to lose my temper, expressing satan in every respect. At the end of the month, after summarizing I found that the work of the whole small district was in a mess. My assistant was, like me, in a state of missing her husband and child. And the church leaders were also in bad states, always complaining that the work was difficult. Facing such a terrible situation, I had to come before God to look to him, to seek, and to examine my conduct and actions. In seeking, I became aware that all this was God’s exposing of me. When I opened the book of God’s word, I came across these words: “…man’s heart and man’s spirit become the tribute man offers to satan, become satan’s food, and even more become satan’s long-living place and become satan’s natural place of amusement.” Reading God’s words of disclosure, I realized that my heart had been darkened by emotion and occupied by satan, and had become a place of amusement for satan. I had been tormented out of my wits, so that I put God’s commission and the work of God’s family behind me, and set my whole heart on my husband and child. Because I neglected my duty, the interests of God’s family had suffered losses. I realized that my present situation was so terrible: I have been on the verge of danger and have lost the working of the Holy Spirit. I am likely to be devoured by satan at any time, and what comes upon me will be God’s righteous nature, for my heart does not belong to God and I love my husband more than love God. Thank God! God’s words have aroused my numb heart. Only then did I repent of myself. I hated myself for being so weak, emotional, and disobedient, and for falling short of God’s expectations of me.
O Almighty God! It is your exposing that has made me see my lowness; I did not love justice and light but always sought after darkness and evil. O God! Your love is with me at every moment, but I deceived you against my conscience and gave my heart to my husband and child. I was really blind and worse than a beast. According to my doings, I deserve your punishment and curse, yet you still tolerate me. O God, I am willing to repent and start anew, cherish the opportunity you give me, give my heart to you, expend for you, and exert myself to repay your great love. I will no longer be a heartless and ungrateful person. If I persist in my wrong course and do not do what I say, may your righteous nature come upon me. I am willing to take your righteous nature as my keeping. O Almighty God, my heart should belong to you!
Suzhou City, Anhui Province