I was cowardly by nature. Sometimes when I met something unfair to me, I kept weeping with anger, but I could not say a malicious word, even less do anything to take revenge on others. Thus, I had always thought I was a very kind person. A fact, however, exposed my malicious inherent nature.
I performed the same duty as a sister did. Because I always thought my quality was better than hers, when I heard others estimate her as having a good quality and being a capable person, I felt jealous in my heart: You are really undiscerning! In which point is she superior to me? One day, I suddenly heard that she was arrested. At first I felt a little sad, but on second thought, instead of being sad, I began to gloat over her misfortune: Now I have no roadblock in my way. Why should you always compete with me! This time you are made to do some soul-searching, and in the future you will not compete anymore. I wish you would stay there for more days. However, when I heard in these days the talks of others which were all about how strong and how wise she was in prison, I could not but hate her again: If only you would lose your testimony! Then others would not praise you anymore. I do wish no one would help you get released, so that you will suffer more in there.
A few months later, the sister came out. For fear that she might be watched, she was not allowed to attend meetings for the time being and was not given the books. Then a sister said: “How can she do without eating and drinking God’s word for such a long time? Such a good sister must not be ruined.” At this word, my malicious heart was deeply touched again. Outwardly I pretended to be burdened and fellowshipped with this sister about the pros and cons of contacting her, but in my heart I thought: The longer you are not given the books, the better; and gradually you will become hazy about the visions and give up your belief. By that time no one will regard you highly anymore. Due to my jealousy of the sister, I lived in malicious thoughts all day long, and imperceptibly I lost the working of the Holy Spirit. In managing the work, I had great difficulty. When eating and drinking the word of God, I could never quiet my heart, and even less could I receive inspiration and enlightenment from the Holy Spirit. I had no choice but to seek God. Then I opened the book of God’s word and read these words: “…you all think that you are very kindhearted and very compassionate…. But have you ever checked your own deeds? …your hearts are so malicious that you do not spare anyone…. “Your lips are kinder than doves, but your heart is more sinister than the ancient serpent. …” God’s words, like a sharp two-edged sword, pierced through my numb heart. When I recalled every thought that emerged in me these days, I could not help giving a shiver: My heart was so malicious! When I heard the sister was caught by the great red dragon, I not only did not pray for her, but instead, in order to fulfill my ulterior purpose—to build up my position in others’ hearts, I wished she would be put to death, and I even hoped that she would become a Judas and betray God. When the sister came out from prison, I said with my mouth that she was not given the books out of consideration for the interests of God’s family, but in my heart I strongly wished she would deny God and leave God. I myself was fighting the sister with both open and secret means every day, but I said the other was fighting me. I am really malicious and insidious to the extreme! O Almighty God, I am so vile! To save a person, you have paid much painstaking effort and price. But for the sake of my fame and gain, I wished the sister would lose her testimony and lose the visions. I am really a malicious-hearted person to the core! O God, my evil deeds are really infuriating to men and repugnant to you. I have such humanity, but I said I was very kindhearted. I was too shameless! I really deserve to be cursed by you. I am indeed unworthy to be saved by you. From now on, I am willing to know myself and transform myself more deeply. But I am unable to do it by myself, because my desire for position is too strong and my heart too malicious. May you arrange more circumstances to deal with my arrogant and malicious inherent nature, so that I can stand in one accord with the brothers and sisters to care for your will and console your heart.
Pingdingshan City, Henan Province