My Heart Was Too Evil
Once, our church brought in a person. Because this person knew me fairly well, she liked to have meetings together with me. Later, the leader assigned her to attend the meetings for the new believers. I then told the leader that she was quite familiar with me and I could fellowship with her if anything happened to her. But unexpectedly, the leader said, “That is the business of the one who cares for the new believers; you just perform your own duty properly.” Hearing the leader say so, I felt very embarrassed and hated myself for meddling. And I determined out of spite that thereafter I would never concern myself with this matter even if I was asked to. Unexpectedly, a few days later there was really something wrong with this new believer. Then the church leader came to me and asked me to go and cooperate. I thought, “When you did not use me, you kicked me away; when you want to use me, you pick me up. Am I a tool to you? You don’t treat me as a human at all!” Yet, I had no choice but to force myself to go. Because I had a prejudice against the leader, though I clearly saw in the cooperation that the caretaker of the new believer couldn’t discern some of her problems and couldn’t resolve her notions, yet out of pique I did not say a word according to my conscience. In the end, I unfeelingly watched the new believer drop out. Afterward, when we looked for our mistakes, I not only didn’t know myself but disputed with others and shifted all the blame onto them.
Later, I read God’s words: “Your repute is notorious, your behavior is base, your speech is low, your life is contemptible, and even all your humanity is low. You are petty-minded in dealing with others and are always narrow-minded in handling things and quarrel over your reputation and position and would rather go to hell and fall into the lake of fire. According to your words and deeds of today, I can condemn you as sinful.” Facing the judgment and chastisement of God’s words, I really felt ashamed of myself. Just because of an unpleasant word of the leader, I resented her and had a prejudice against her. I even acted rashly toward God because of that. I was fully aware that the caretaker could not talk about the truth clearly, yet I was unwilling to cooperate with her. I stubbornly stuck to my prejudice and regarded my stinking face as more important than the new believer’s life. I would rather let a soul be lost and would rather go to hell than put aside my stinking face. I am really too contemptible and inhuman! Such a beast as me is unworthy to live before God at all. According to my conduct and actions, I deserve to be killed and destroyed. O God, thank you for the inspiration of your words, which has made me know my despicable humanity and see my ugly self. Only now have I known to what extent I have been corrupted by satan. O God, from now on, I will put painstaking effort into dealing with my corrupt nature and no longer act as its puppet. It has done too much harm to me. In my future experience, I will never again, for its sake, do anything that hurts your heart or causes the interests of your family to suffer loss. I will rebel against my worthless “self-esteem” and be a person who has humanity.
Pingdingshan City, Henan Province