Once, the leader asked me to go to sustain and water a small group. I had long since heard that the people in that group all loved the world very much. Now they all wanted to give up their belief and return the books. So, after hearing the leader’s words, I thought, “It must be that those who preach the gospel have no principles and have thus brought in these people who don’t pursue. I’ll just go and have a look. If they don’t turn back, simply purge them.” When I got there, I found that things were just like what I had thought: some did not come; some came yet were restless. One of the sisters there said, “I am afraid of persecution and want to return the books. Can I copy a few songs out for myself to read?” On hearing that, I became angry, “If you are to return the books, then keep nothing; it’s no use keeping something. Whoever wants to return the books, just return them. I’ll have them taken away in a few days.” Thus, all the afternoon I talked about nothing with them, and at the end I left in anger. On my way back, I walked and complained: They have become like this. Is it worthwhile to sustain them? Later, another sister went to that group once. Unexpectedly, through her patient talk about God’s intention, the several people’s notions were all solved, their states changed completely, and they were all willing to make a fresh start. At the news I only felt that I had lost my face, yet I did not have any knowledge of myself.
At another time, the church leader asked me to tell three people to cooperate with a work. When I fellowshipped with them, a sister of them said, “Even in the Age of the Grace I was reluctant to attend meetings. Whenever I had a meeting, I had a headache. I didn’t expect that this stage of work would be more demanding than the previous stage. I feel that though we believe in God, we still cannot do without money….” When I heard this, my anger flared up all at once. I thought, “Another muddled believer! She is here purely for fun. Is such a person of any use?” With this idea, I was in no mood to go on fellowshipping and my words became very harsh. At the end, nothing got done and we parted unhappily. Concerning this, I did not examine myself; instead, I was burning with anger and hatred. I wished that God would discipline them at once so that they could know whether it was important to earn money or to believe in God.
Later, I read God’s words: “When God is doing the work of salvation, he tries his utmost to save all those who can be saved and does not cast off any one of them, because the purpose of his work is to save man. … Everyone who receives God’s conquering with words has several opportunities of being saved. In saving every person, God gives him most opportunities, that is, shows him the greatest tolerance. As long as he can realize his errors and turn back and as long as he can repent, God will give him the opportunity to receive salvation.” As I read, tears streamed down my cheeks unconsciously. O God, your kindness and beauty make me want to sink through the ground. You are trying your utmost to save man. No matter how man disobeys you and misunderstands you, you give him great tolerance so that he can receive your salvation. However, when the brothers and sisters needed help the most, I did not stretch out a helping hand and fellowship with them about your intention so that they could understand the truth and lay a foundation. On the contrary, I hit them when they were down, and even gave them another heavy blow when they were dying, and I also asked you to punish them. O God, I did not have any element of caring for your will! I was indeed a murderous butcher. My heart was more malicious and insidious than the ancient serpent! If you had not bestowed mercy on them in time, I really don’t dare to imagine where these souls would have gone. O God, my doings have broken your heart. Such a person like me really does not deserve to stay in your family. O God, I sincerely thank you that your exposing and inspiration have caused me to have a little knowledge of my inherent nature. I am willing to repent of my former sins and make a fresh start, and pursue to know my inherent nature more deeply in my real life. May your chastisement and judgment never leave me, the malicious-hearted person.
Hebi City, Henan Province