My Humanity Is Too Bad
Once, I held a meeting in the home of a sister who had accepted God’s new work for less than a year. During her hosting, the sister looked glum, and now and then she said before us that she wanted to go out for some business in a day or two. I did not fail to get the meaning behind her words: she just wanted us to go away soon. I went through with the meeting patiently and then left this home.
Not long after that, a sister told me that the host sister suspected us of coming out to get food and drink by cheating. When I heard that, I was overcome with anger. And I was full of prejudices against the host sister: If you did not believe in God, I would not have been to your home even if you had invited me. Who would have wanted to go to your home to suffer such petty annoyances! Since then, I did not feel like going to her home or seeing her again, much less show concern for her life entering.
One day, I happened to meet the host sister on my way to somewhere. She explained to me that when hosting us that time she made us feel restrained because she had not eaten and drunk God’s word for quite a few days and had become unclear about the vision, and in addition, in those few days she was fretting after learning that her father was seriously ill. And she asked me not to take offence. Outwardly I said politely that I did not take it to heart at all and that I did not go to her home in that period because I was too busy with the work. But inwardly, I always felt that in any case she should not have said those offensive words and should not have hurt me that way. Hence, I was still unwilling to go to her home or to fellowship with her.
After the leading sister learned about the situation, she hurriedly reached me and said, “God has entrusted the brothers and sisters to us, with the purpose that we can care for God’s will and take the life of the brothers and sisters seriously. But we act by our flesh; just because the sister’s hosting was not after our heart, we leave her there unattended. Can God be easy about us?” Then she opened Christ’s Talks with Some Church Workers and read in the man’s fellowship attached to it these words: “There is another kind of people…. Such a person tries hard to shield his faults, and will not have anything said against him in any case…. Anyone who really touches him will invite big trouble…. Such a person has very deep prejudices against others. If you offend him once, you will forever receive his hostility and cold shoulder. You will be very lucky if he does not retaliate against you.”
These words hit the core of my state. The sister hurt me once and actually received my hostility and cold shoulder. Even after she explained and apologized to me, though I spoke kindly to her, I still bore a grudge against her. This shows that I am really a narrow-minded evil leader who can fix others and retaliate against others. I do the work committed by God’s family, yet I did not care for God’s will. Instead, I stood in the position and worked according to my own will and preferences, fellowshipping with those who appreciated me and staying away from and refusing those who opposed me. At the moment, I really felt ashamed of my narrow-mindedness and despicable humanity.
O God, my behavior has grieved you too much! You have so uplifted me, but I was so malicious and cruel. However, you have not punished me because of my disobedience; instead, through the fellowship and reminder of the leading sister, you have given me a chance to know myself anew. O God, from now on, I will drop my prejudices against that sister. I will sympathize with the weakness of the brothers and sisters with a true love, care for your burden with a true love, and do my utmost to pursue the transformation of my nature, so that I can soon become a created being who has humanity and sense.
Linfen City, Shanxi Province