My Humanity Is Too Contemptible
The leader required that a few more assistants be selected. At first I had no notions and just helped with the selecting. But when I came into contact with the assistants, my corruption flowed out: I never expected they should be more able than me even now. Won’t I be displaced after they exercise for some time? Moreover, I misunderstood God in my heart: Is God using me for service? Though I performed my duty outwardly, I felt heavy in my heart. I always worried about myself, fearing that the assistants would surpass me and thus I would be replaced. At this time, God reminded me within: “Aren’t you ‘gauging the heart of a gentleman with your own mean measure’?” God’s reminding woke me up and I realized that my state was wrong. Recalling my expressions in these few days, I found that I had completely lived in suspicion and fear, and that I did not at all know what God’s intention was in this matter of selecting the assistants. So, I came before God to seek and pray, asking God to reveal his intention to me and lead me out of satan’s power of darkness.
After praying, I opened the book of God’s word, and in “The Path … (5),” I read these words: “I hope that every brother and sister will understand my heart. And I hope that more ‘new soldiers’ will stand up and cooperate with God to complete this work together. …” From God’s words I saw God’s eager intention: Today, God expects more brothers and sisters to stand up and cooperate with him, so that God can gain more “new soldiers” to better carry out his will and that God’s work will be crowned with success soon. However, I feared very much that others would catch up with me and that I would lose my position. To keep my position, I even wished the brothers and sisters were all inferior to me. Did I have any intention to care for God? At this moment, I really wanted to sink through the ground, feeling myself too contemptible. What part did I play in God’s family? Outwardly I was satisfying God, yet essentially I was resisting God. Didn’t I become an obstacle and a stumbling block in God’s family? It is really terrible.
Now I have understood that the purpose of God’s family selecting the assistants is not to use me for service. Rather, it is to give me more burdens to perfect me and make me see my own deficiencies in comparison with the assistants, so that we can complement each other. Thank God. I will spare no effort to satisfy God’s will and justify God’s expectations and uplifting of me.
Dashiqiao City, Liaoning Province