I perform my duty in coordination with a sister who accepted this stage of work at the same time as I did. Because she fellowships about God’s word clearly and is superior to me in every aspect, the brothers and sisters all like her very much. So I felt very jealous in my heart. Every time we had a meeting together, outwardly I listened to her fellowship, but inwardly I was defiant. I made a silent vow to myself: I must surpass her and not bow to her superiority; I can’t have the brothers and sisters despise me. So, I held God’s word in my hands and read it every day. I thought: As long as I eat and drink God’s word more, I can surely fellowship better than you! Although I spent a lot of time reading God’s word, each time I read it I received no light. And at the meetings, I could not give any fellowship. I became more and more depressed in my spirit and completely lived in darkness. I was thus greatly tormented within, but I didn’t know what the cause was. So many times I came before God to pray, supplicating God to help me find out the root of my problem.
One day, when I ate and drank God’s word, I came to these words: “Why do others receive the inspiration of the Holy Spirit when practicing God’s words? Why do you not receive it when practicing them? Will God have emotions? If you really have a right intent and have cooperated, God’s Spirit will work on you. … God searches hearts and minds. When one pursues the truth, he has to have a right intent. If he does not have a right intent, he will surely not be able to stand.” God’s words, like a clear mirror, caused me to see that I received no light when eating and drinking God’s word because my intent was not right and I could not stand before God. I ate and drank God’s word diligently every day, but my purpose was not to know myself and transform myself in God’s word, much less to perform my duty properly to satisfy God. Rather, it was to compete with the sister; I wanted to surpass her in fellowshipping about God’s word and have the brothers and sisters regard me highly. God searches hearts and minds. Such base intent of mine was hated and loathed by God, so I lost the working of the Holy Spirit and fell into darkness. Only then did I realize that I did things with a wrong intent and what I expressed was the arrogant satanic inherent nature of seeking to prevail over others, which was really hatful and loathsome to God, so that I became a wrong person before God. Thus, no matter how hard I tried, I could never achieve any result or receive God’s approval. Thank God for his inspiration. I have known my arrogant inherent nature and my base intent. Also, I have understood that whatever I do, I must put my heart before God to accept God’s searching and must examine and correct my wrong intent at all times. O God, from now on, I will rebel against my wrong intent and no longer pursue to be regarded highly. I will pursue the truth and the transformation of my nature and be a right person before you.
Jinan City, Shandong Province