My Living Out Was Forced
Since I accepted God’s commission, I have been performing my duty away from home. Once I went home and found that my husband was in love with another woman. That was no doubt something of a blow for me, and my distress was beyond expression. Thinking that, because of my belief in God, I already suffered opposition and persecution from my parents’ family and my husband’s family, and now even my husband whom I trusted the most betrayed me, I felt that I no longer had a place to call home in the world, and my heart was filled with resentment, loneliness, and despair.
In anguish, I came before God: “O God, I have nothing now. I will no longer take enjoyment in the worldly affections. From now on, I will take enjoyment in pursuing to satisfy you. O God, I’ll complete the commission you have given me. I’ll try to promote the gospel work and bring more people before you to comfort your heart.” After the prayer, my heart calmed down a lot. Thereafter, due to God’s grace, I was not restrained by this affair. Although sometimes when thinking of my family I felt a little sad, I was not affected by that in performing my duty. So, whenever I fellowshipped about this matter at a co-workers’ meeting, I was very passionate, thinking that I had some stature and had some reality and I was already walking the way of Peter.
When I was living in a state of self-appreciation, a passage of God’s word opened my eyes to my true self. God says: “Because man’s knowledge has not been brought into reality, man’s stature is still like a castle in the air—shaky and unsteady, with too little reality. Hardly can any reality be seen in man. Because man’s natural expression has too little element of reality and is altogether a living out under compulsion, I say that man has no reality. …” Examining myself according to God’s words, I realized that it was entirely due to the working of the Holy Spirit that during this period I could perform my duty actively without being disturbed by my emotion and also achieved some results in my work. It did not mean that I had reality or that I had stature, because it was a kind of forced living out and not my natural expression. As in the world I had no more comfort from my relatives and friends, lost the family warmth, and did not have any hope, if I left God I would be bound to meet my doom. In order to free myself from the inner distress and to take shelter in God’s home, I forcedly chose to pursue to satisfy God. Today I can stand in the emotional frustration and can enter in actively in the commission given by God, and this is all because of God’s keeping and leading; it is not my real stature. Before, I did not have true knowledge of my state, even less see that while believing in God I still pursued with a wrong viewpoint. Thinking of my complacency before God and my high-sounding knowledge at the co-workers’ meetings, I felt very ashamed of myself, for my performing duty was not to satisfy God but to fill my inner emptiness with the work and to free myself from the inner distress. O God, today you revealed my dirty soul, so that I have seen I have no reality of loving you and satisfying you. From now on, I will pursue the truth and practice the truth in a down-to-earth manner to live out reality.
Tengzhou City, Shandong Province