My Spending Was Too Ugly
In coordinating with a sister, I found that she had much seeing in spending money. She realized that her money was bestowed by God and so it should be spent for God. Because her intent was right, her spending was much blessed by God.
Seeing the blessing she had received, I got “inspired”: “It seems that I have to spend before I can receive blessing. Why haven’t I seen this earlier? If I had, my family’s business would surely have made a lot of money.” After I had this “seeing,” I immediately got ready for “spending.” When I went out with the sister by bus, I paid our fares; when we had a meal, I paid the bill; when we needed to show our love to the gospel friends by sending gifts, I actively went to buy; when a second-line team wanted food, I initiatively went to buy. Once, the second-line team damaged something they had borrowed for preaching the gospel, and I intended to buy a new one with my money. However, when I learned that it would cost me over 130 yuan, I grudged the money and wanted to give up. But then I thought, “God will give me blessing! Now the Holy Spirit works so fast; maybe God will give me in two or three days. I just spend the money first. I may regard it as being lent out for a few days….” Every day I counted the number of the days in which I had spent my money, feeling that God might bless me soon. However, instead of receiving God’s blessing, I was continually deprived of money: I was overcharged by 15 yuan for a pair of trousers; then, I lost 50 yuan when handling a matter; later, my business kept losing money; following that, my child had his money stolen in school…. What is all this about? Others spend money and are blessed by God; how come I am not blessed by doing the same? God, you are righteous! How come you give blessings to others but not to me? This question remained in my mind for a long time…
Later, when I had a meeting with the brothers and sisters, we ate and drank a piece of God’s word, “Are You Truly a Believer in God?” God’s word says, “…if I do not dig out your ugly self in your innermost being, every one of you will put the crown on his head…. Your arrogant and self-important nature drives you to go against your conscience, … and drives you to show your ugly face, exposing your intents, notions, extravagant desires, and greedy eyes to the light. …you always speak and repeat the truths that Christ has already spoken. These are your ‘belief,’ and these are your ‘belief without any impurity.’ I am always very strict with people. If your faithfulness has intents and conditions, I would rather not accept your so-called faithfulness, because I loathe people’s cheating me with their intents and extorting from me with their conditions. I only hope that people can be absolutely faithful to me…. I always treat you in sincerity, so I hope that you can treat me in true belief.” Through God’s words, I gained a knowledge about my experience of “spending” for God during that period. Didn’t I spend my money with my own intents and conditions? I attempted to deceive God and extort from God by my means of bartering. God requires man to be utterly faithful to him, treat him with all sincerity, and treat him with true belief. But what did I do? Was I not a person God spoke about who exposed his “intents, notions, extravagant desires, and greedy eyes to the light”? Thank God that he exposed my wrong intents and extravagant desires. Thank God that he dealt with me to make me wake up and amend. Thank God even more that he disclosed my corrupt inherent nature, so that I saw my ugly behavior, and that my intent was corrected and my viewpoint changed. Although I did not receive material blessings, I knew myself and gained some knowledge of God’s righteousness. If I had not read that passage of God’s word, I would have mistakenly thought that God was trying me, and eventually I might even misunderstand God and complain against God. Through the disclosure of God’s words, I saw that I was very ugly and that I was really a profit-driven person.
Puyang City, Henan Province