205 I Will Not Leave Regret in My Heart
1 For years I believed in the Lord, yet did not know to pursue the truth. I clung to religious ceremony, my belief in God was vague and abstract. I understood a little of the Bible, and so thought I knew God. I expended and suffered for the Lord in order to be rewarded, to be crowned. My heart was full of conceptions and imaginings about God. My heart lusted for enjoyment of the grace and blessings of God. When I beheld the utterances of the incarnate Son of man, I used the words of the Bible to measure God’s work. I clung to religious conceptions, and thought this was loyalty to the Lord. How were my actions different from the Pharisees’?
2 When I experienced the judgment of God’s words, it was like awaking from a dream. I saw how unconscionable and irrational my attitude toward God had been. Without the truth, I often used conceptions and imaginings to measure God. I also made judgment about Christ and denied Him, as if He were an ordinary person. Only when I was conquered by God’s words did I behold the appearance of God. I despised myself for being too arrogant and blind to know God. Thinking of my past disobedience and opposition, I was filled with regret. Bowing before God, I felt the utmost regret. I resolved to pursue the truth and live out the semblance of man. I set my heart on following God, and will not rest until I have gained the truth.