O God, I Will No Longer Preserve Myself
In the small district where I worked, there was a church leader who had no burden for the work. I fellowshipped with her many times but she still remained indifferent. According to the principle I should have her replaced. However, at the thought that she once reported to my leader that I cared for others but not her, I feared that if I replaced her my leader would say I was narrow-minded and was a mean person, so I was deterred from replacing her for long. Later, when I went to her church to check her work, I found that she did not concern herself with the church affairs at all, so that the brothers and sisters were all passive and weak and the gospel work was left unattended. In the face of this situation, I felt very distressed, thinking, “If I do not have her replaced, the life of the brothers and sisters will suffer loss; but if I replace her, what will the leader think of me? Will she misunderstand me? …” After a fierce war, I still did not replace her.
Because I always preserved my image in the leader’s mind and resisted God, God’s silent chastisement came upon me. I became darkened within and could not touch God: I received no light when reading God’s word, received no moving when praying, and received no inspiration when fellowshipping at the meetings…. So I was tormented for some time. When I really could not bear it anymore, I came before God to examine myself. I read God’s words: “What have you done for me? When have you ever thought about me? When have you ever paid every price for me and for my work? Where is the evidence of your being compatible with me? Where is the reality of your being faithful to me? Where is the reality of your being obedient to me? Where is your intent of not seeking to receive blessings? You all are deceiving me and cheating me, and you all are playing with the truth, covering up the existence of the truth, and rebelling against the substance of the truth. You are against me like this, so what will be awaiting you in the future?” Facing God’s admonishing questions, I felt too ashamed to show my face. Am I not such a person who plays with and rebels against the truth? I clearly knew that church leader is not fit for use, but I kept using her against my conscience. To preserve my image in the leader’s mind, I actually put aside the interests and the principles of God’s family as well as the life of the brothers and sisters. My heart is vicious to the extreme! Because of my viciousness, how great a loss I have brought to the life of the brothers and sisters! How great a hindrance I have caused to the work of God’s family! Today God has uplifted me to undertake such a great commission, yet I did not at all care for God’s will or consider the interests of God’s family but only knew to preserve myself carefully. My contemptible intent and selfish conduct have bitterly disappointed God. O Almighty God, today I have seen clearly that I’m a person who resists you. What I did has broken your heart. From now on, I will not disobey and resist you anymore. I will act according to the principles in everything you commit to me, and set your heart at rest in all matters.
Then, I immediately went to that church and dismissed that church leader.
Yichun City, Jiangxi Province