My duty is to handle the general affairs in God’s family. Because I always paid attention to my fame and position, whenever some problems occurred in my work, I justified and vindicated myself, fearing that others would look down on me. Later, I read a passage of God’s word: “If you are very good at forgiving yourself and very good at sparing yourself, I say that you will forever be a coward who cannot gain the truth. …will forever be satan’s faithful companion.” These words made me examine myself. How many times had I acted as a faithful companion of satan? If I still persist in my wrong course in the future, I will definitely be a coward who would gain no truth. Then what is the significance of my believing in God? So, I swore an oath before God: I will not give in to myself anymore, and I will pursue to be a person who practices the truth and rebels against his flesh. Otherwise, may you make me never be at peace.
Before long, God arranged a circumstance for me. One day, the sister who performed duty together with me asked me to copy out several addresses. Very quickly I copied them down for her. When I gave it to her, she asked me, “Have you proofread it?” “Yes. No error in it!” I answered confidently. However, after the sister came back, she said, “Because there is a word missing, we’ve failed to contact the other side all this time. We don’t know who made the mistake, you or the other side.” I immediately justified myself, saying, “I have proofread them all! It can’t be wrong. Most probably it’s the fault of the other side.” The sister then did not say anything more.
After that, my heart was always not peaceful and always felt that the other side was unlikely to be responsible for the fault. Besides, if I’m sure it isn’t my mistake, why do I always feel uneasy about it? No, I must check the original copy. After a check, the thing was made clear at last—the mistake was not made by the other side but me—it was me who had left out a word. Now I began to get nervous. I thought to myself, “I didn’t admit at that time that it was my fault; if I admit it now, what opinion will the sister have of me? If God’s family finds out that I always made mistakes, then will I still be used? No, I must tear off this ‘evidence of guilt’ and burn it up. Otherwise, the sister will know it sooner or later.” After I tore off that piece of paper and took it home, however, I was flustered inside all the time, feeling distressed as if I were a thief. That night I tossed and turned and could not fall asleep. In me there was a fierce war: “Should I speak it out or not?” At that time, my inner rebuke became stronger and stronger: “If I don’t speak out this matter the sister won’t know it, but God knows! Sooner or later God will reveal it. Besides, this matter is a small one outwardly, but it must be a chance God gives me to practice the truth and rebels against my flesh. If I don’t pay attention to practicing the truth to satisfy God in this small matter, then how can I satisfy God in big matters? In this way, I’ll forever be a coward who doesn’t gain the truth and forever be satan’s faithful companion. I just swore an oath before God two days ago. Now when God gets serious with me, I’m not willing to practice the truth. Am I not deceiving God? Yes! I can’t deceive God anymore. Tomorrow, I must reveal my ugly features to the public and practice rebelling against my flesh before God.”
Early next morning, I felt that if I didn’t rely on God, I would still have no courage to speak out my ugliness. So, I prayed for this matter and besought God to give me courage so that I could rebel against the flesh in this small matter and testify for God before my old flesh—this stubborn satan. No matter whether God’s family would use me or not, I would rely on God to practice the truth. When I spoke out everything about the matter, the sister’s reaction was nothing like what I had imagined. And she said, “God says that we all are people corrupted by satan. If it were not for God’s uplifting, none of us would deserve to be used by God. God’s word also says that the process of our performing duties is the process of our being revealed and perfected by God….” After practicing the truth, I felt very relieved and excited. I also felt that I had misunderstood God too much. It seemed to me that God was also narrow-minded like man and I would be eliminated once my corruptions were revealed. I was really foolish, ignorant, and poor to a certain extent!
From my attitudes before and after this small matter, I have a little understanding at the bottom of my heart: To practice “rebelling against the flesh” is really difficult for me who do not love the truth! Now I sincerely admit that I’m purely a faithful companion of satan and there are too many times of my having grieved God and disgusted God. From now on, I’ll rely on God to transcend the dark dominion of my flesh, practice “rebelling against the flesh” more, and give more comfort to God’s heart.
Xuzhou City, Jiangsu Province