Some time ago, because I indulged in fleshly ease, I began to be loose with myself. I prayed abnormally, spent no time on my spiritual devotions, and ate and drank God’s word only in the few hours when I fellowshipped with others. When I went around the church, I could hardly find problems; even if I found one, I was unable to correct or solve it. Gradually, I lost my faith to seek the truth; I went toward fall step by step. Although I was somewhat afraid and also wanted to break free from this power of darkness, I had no courage or strength to rebel against my flesh and could not but remain in darkness and allow my sins to spread. I entirely lived in the painful torment, and many times I even thought of dying. But I forgot to cry out to the God who rules over all mankind.
One day, I was tormented really beyond endurance. So I forced myself to come before God. Then God inspired me and made me remember God’s words: “… Is your destiny really unable to be changed? Are you willing to die wrongfully like this?” Tears gradually blurred my eyes. Am I really willing to die ignorant like this? Where have my former courage, resolution, and perseverance gone? “No! I mustn’t die in this way!” I shouted in the bottom of my heart. At that moment, I fell down before God and made an earnest prayer. God heard my supplication and once again bestowed his mercy and salvation on me. In a meeting, God’s words brought me to myself. God says: “…never take my word as treasure but adopt a contemptuous attitude to it. Thus, where will the fruit, the true human life, and the good hope come from? Can your extravagant imaginations really save you from the jaws of death? Can they really save you from the burning of fire? If you really could regard my work as a priceless treasure, could you be in such a condition? …” I finally understood why I could not touch God. It was because I had no God’s word; because of having no “oil,” I had become dry within. At this moment, I saw a thread of light, and my face broke into a smile that I had never had for a long time. God’s intention of today is expressed in his word; his word is with authority and power, and his word will accomplish everything. However, I ignored God’s word and left God’s word, and yet I unrealistically wished to change my present situation. I was really blind, poor, foolish, and ignorant. Thinking of this, I felt a thirst for God’s word which I had never had before. I took up the book of God’s word, with an inexpressible feeling…. Tasting carefully, I enjoyed every word in it as so sweet and so real.
Having gone through the days without the supply of God’s word, I feel the preciousness of God’s word, and even more feel the kindness and loveliness of God. I will cherish everything I have now, and treasure God’s word, for only God’s word is the power of my life and the driving force for me to go forward. O God, I can never leave you again, even less leave the supply of your word.
Xi’an City, Shaanxi Province