As I performed my duty in a writing team, apart from working, I had plenty of time to eat and drink God’s word, learn to sing hymns, and answer the questions in The Truth-Entering Course for Enjoying God’s Word at Meetings. After some time, however, my heart gradually became restless; I felt that I had answered all the questions and read every piece of God’s word several times. Thus, when eating and drinking God’s word, I could no longer quiet my heart and received no inspiration and enlightenment, and I even had a feeling of dryness and dullness. I realized that my state was already abnormal and that treating God’s word like that, I could not receive any inspiration from the Holy Spirit. But I did not know where the problem arose. I had no choice but to bring my state before God and prayed to and sought God: O Almighty God, my state is under your searching. I know that my attitude toward your word is loathed by you and it is the expression of my arrogant nature, but I can neither know the substance of the problem nor come out of this state. Have mercy on me, inspire and guide me, so that I can know myself and my state can be corrected.
Later, in The Summary of Christ’s Preachings and Conversations, I read these words: “…concentrating on eating and drinking God’s word, concentrating on seeking the truth and seeking God’s meaning in God’s word, and touching God’s will in everything. This is the most essential and most crucial way of practice. After meeting Jesus, Peter practiced so. Only by practicing so can one achieve the best results. … In reading God’s word, Peter did not try to understand doctrines, much less to gain theological knowledge. Rather, he tried to understand the truth and touch God’s will, so as to know God’s nature and know God’s lovely aspects. At the same time, in God’s word, he knew man’s various corrupt states, knew man’s corrupt inherent nature, and knew man’s real lacks, trying to meet God’s requirements for man in every respect to satisfy God. He had so many accurate practices in God’s word, which was most after God’s heart and was the best cooperation of man in experiencing God’s work.” The inspiration of God’s words made me know the secret of Peter’s success: In reading God’s word, he did not try to understand doctrines, much less to gain theological knowledge, but tried to pursue the truth and pursue to know God and know himself. In experiencing God’s work, he cooperated in a way that was most after God’s heart. Thus he achieved success and received God’s approval. Seeing Peter’s practice, I found out where my problem arose and realized my deviations and errors: The reason why I did not thirst for God’s word was that I only paid attention to equipping myself with letters and doctrines and theoretical knowledge. The reason why I felt dry and dull in eating and drinking God’s word was that I did not try to understand the truth and touch God’s intention in God’s word, much less did I, by eating and drinking God’s word, try to know the work of God, the lovely aspects of God, and the substance of my corruption, so that I could be transformed in my nature to satisfy God’s heart’s desire and fulfill the duty of a created being. Today, God suffers all kinds of humiliations and works among us, bestowing the truth, the way, and the life to me, for the purpose that I can receive his salvation. If I do not try to seek and gain the truth in God’s word but content myself with doctrinal understanding, then the way I walk is contrary to the work of salvation God does, God’s work cannot produce the results on me, and my pursuit will be futile. This is because the more letters and doctrines I equip myself with, the more arrogant my nature will become, and the more seriously I will resist God. In the end, I will only bring destruction upon myself. Only then did I see that I was so arrogant as to have no reason and that my satanic inherent nature of not loving the truth was really loathed by God. At the same time, I was very grateful to God for having the way to practice. I could not help bowing down before God and prayed to him: “O God, I thank and praise you. You have shown mercy to me, so that I can come out of my wrong state. You do not look at my disobedience and corruption but always supply me according to my lack. Hereafter, I will imitate Peter and eat and drink your word with a heart of hungering and thirsting for righteousness, no longer content with doctrinal understanding. I only desire to pursue the truth and life and pursue to know you and know myself in your word, so that I can soon be transformed in my nature to satisfy your will.”
Jinan City, Shandong Province