In May this year, SARS was being rampant, and I was revising the testimony articles at an elderly auntie’s home. The auntie’s daughter was an unbeliever and she seldom came home. One day, while I was burying myself in revising the articles, her daughter returned. As soon as she saw me, she snarled at me, “Where are you from? Get out of here right now!” I was shocked by this sudden snarl.
“What are you here for? Don’t you have ears? This is not the place for you to stay. Get away! …” “I come here to visit auntie. I’ll leave right now.” I felt as if I was given several slaps on the face in public; my heart was distressed as if a knife were being twisted in it and I felt greatly wronged, tears rolling in my eyes. “I can’t cry!” I tried hard to compose myself. I said goodbye to auntie, who stood aside dumbfounded and at a loss what to do, and then rushed out of the door.
Walking on the street, I felt I was just like a beggar who was wandering about, and a sense of desolation that I had never had before flooded over my heart. I felt I was greatly embarrassed and wronged, and I could no longer hold back my tears. And my complaints against God sprang up altogether. “O God, why don’t you keep me? Why do you let me meet just this unpleasant thing? …” At that time, I was lost in a myriad of thoughts: If only I were at home! Otherwise, I would have a job while believing in God. At least I wouldn’t have gotten into such a pitiable state. Ay, I’d better not perform this duty and just go home…. As I thought, I suddenly realized this: Wasn’t I betraying God? I often shouted louder than anyone else that “I would love God even if no one loved God, and that I would stand the testimony for God no matter what trial came upon me.” But how come I now have such a thought of rebelling against God? … The more I thought about it, the more I felt afraid. I immediately prayed to God silently, “O Almighty God, I can’t see through the matter I’ve encountered today, and I feel greatly wronged and distressed. From this matter, I have also seen that my stature is too small and I do not have any reality so that I will have the idea of rebelling against you when encountering only a small matter. O God, I can’t be conscienceless. May you keep me. May your love not leave me. I’m willing to live in the light of your presence all the time and accept the searching of your Spirit. May you reveal your intention to me. I’m willing to submit to you….” While I was walking, I prayed silently. And my heart gradually calmed down. At this time, the words of God that I had just eaten and drunk that morning inspired me inside: “How big a stature you have is judged from how great is your heart of loving God and judged from whether you can stand when trials come, whether you become weak when circumstances come, and whether you can still stand the ground when the brothers and sisters reject you. When facts come, it can be seen how is your heart of loving God. From God’s many works, it can be seen that God loves people really too much. But people’s spiritual eyes have not yet completely opened, so they still cannot see thoroughly God’s many works, God’s will, and God’s many lovely aspects, and their true love for God is really too little.” “Refining is the best way through which God perfects man. Only through refining and painful trials can one have a true love for God from his heart. Without suffering, one will not have a true love for God. If there is no trial within one and no true refining coming upon him, his heart will always drift outside. When he is refined to a certain extent, he will see his weaknesses and difficulties, see that he lacks too much and cannot overcome many difficulties he encounters, and see that he has too much disobedience. Only in trials can one truly know his actual states. Trials can better perfect man.”
Thank God for his inspiration. Through such a small matter, God exposed me and made me realize that what I had known before were all doctrines, what I had shouted before were all empty slogans, and I did not have any real love for God. I was also made to see that my stature was too small, my will was too weak, and I could rebel against God and return to satan’s camp when encountering even a small disagreeable thing. If God hadn’t cut off my ways of escape, I probably might have escaped earlier. God’s refining was indeed wonderful! If it were not for this refining, I would never know myself and could never see my true self. God’s refining was really a great protection for me. O Almighty God! Thank you for the great feast you set for me. It has made me see that everything you do is for me to know myself, is to purify me, and is a great love for me. I’m willing to seek your intention in everything I encounter and stand on your side to view things. And in the matters that I can’t see through, I won’t utter complains but have a heart to submit to you. May you “operate” on me and dissect more of my inner impurities disagreeable to you, so as to purify my love for you.