209 Self-Reflection Gives Me a Way to Follow
1 Having followed God all this time, I’ve understood many truths. My many failures and all the pain I’ve suffered have woken me as if from a dream. Only by reflecting upon myself through His words do I discover how deep my corruption is. My satanic disposition often causes me to lie and cheat, and I am always slipshod in my duty—I bear no resemblance to man. I act according to my own will and seldom put the truth into practice. I act without principle, but I still believe I possess the reality of the truth. I am nothing but a hypocrite; I do not obey God. I work only for the sake of reputation and status; my entry into life is skin deep. I carefully observe Peter’s spirit and know I fall far short of it, I am shameful beyond words.
2 Persecutions and tribulations expose my lack of devotion and love for God. I never forget my fleshly prospects and I show no consideration for God’s heart. I fear that I may be arrested by the CCP and then become a Judas for being unable to withstand torture. I cling to life from fear of death, dragging out an ignoble existence, unwilling even to perform my duty. Revealed by the facts, I see my real stature. Without the reality of the truth, I will inevitably betray God. With no love in my heart for God, how could I have true obedience and devotion? I regret spending years believing in God but not pursuing the truth. Through setbacks and failures, I see that my life hangs on the brink. How can I bear resounding witness without the reality of the truth?
3 Trials, refinement, pruning, and dealing have exposed me. I always expound on doctrines and I use many excuses to defend myself. With so many lies and with such deceit in my heart, how could I be an honest person? I’ve never had any reverence for God, nor ever have I truly obeyed God. I self-reflect and find that my disposition has not changed over all these years of faith. I do not pursue the truth but want to be blessed and enter the kingdom of heaven—how foolish I am! God’s disposition is faithful and righteous; without the truth I must be forsaken by God. I am so wretched because I did not pursue the truth during my years of faith in God. Without self-reflection, how could I have known that I was walking Paul’s path? I’ve made up my mind to seek to love God and meet God’s will as Peter did.