Spiritual Awakening of a “White Angel” (Part 1)
I am a retired obstetrics and gynecology attending physician. Most of my life was spent in an overworked void. I racked my brains to pursue status, fame and fortune and was unscrupulous in my efforts to make money, busy rushing around for several decades. I even betrayed my own conscience and personality and lost my humanity and rationality, living without any meaning. Until one day when I read the word of Almighty God and saw the truth that I had been corrupted by Satan I gradually had a spiritual awakening….
Yearning for a Strong Pillar
I was born in the city of X. My father was a veteran cadre, honest and loyal, with no real power in his work place and my mother did not work. In 1972, when graduating from high school, I took universal examinations and after many selections, I was assigned to a large hospital in X city for training and studies. Here I discovered that opportunities for promotion are not determined by one’s medical ethics and skill, but depend upon one’s connections and money. Again and again I saw people around me obtain material benefits through their connections and no matter how well I worked, because I did not have money or connections, nothing good happened to me and I was always discriminated against by others. To this end, I did not feel good-tempered and I thought if only I could have a solid pillar, it would be much better and I would be able to bring about an upswing to my situation.
The Fame and Fortune Which a “Behind-the-scenes Backer” Brought Me
One time, I inadvertently heard my father mention to my mother that his friend had become vice mayor in our city. Suddenly my eyes lit up. It was an unmissable opportunity that would not occur again! I hurriedly asked my father about his family’s situation, thinking: My family also had a “behind-the-scenes backer” after all. I underhandedly set my aspirations that I must make my mark through this connection. So I recommended my dean to the deputy mayor and kept sending my dean some small gifts. Afterward, the dean gave me the green light and arranged many opportunities for me to show my talents. After all kinds of examinations and assessments, I became an obstetrics and gynecology physician with rich clinical experience and a certain reputation. In this way, for several consecutive years, I got the city merit award and the honorary title of the outstanding medical staff member and gave lectures in the technical personnel classes of many hospitals. This completely satisfied my vanity.
“Brainwashing” by Corporate Cheats
In the past, I often thought that the hospital was a place to save lives and help the injured and that the profession of doctors was sacred. People called doctors “white angels.” But when I really became a doctor, once I had some understanding of the inside story of hospitals, I knew that this wasn’t in fact the case. There is infighting amongst doctors. It is a case of if you fight, I will struggle. They are all smiling tigers—outwardly kind, but inwardly cruel, privately attacking and excluding each other. Hospital management introduce pharmacists to the hospitals for profit. In addition, hospital management take a cut from them; even the Minister for Health and ministers from other industries send people selling drugs to the hospitals and the hospital management ask us to prescribe whichever drug has the highest cut. The most detestable thing is that they actually invite corporate crooks (people who do not understand medicine) to give us medical staff lectures. They taught us how to welcome and wave off people with smiles, deceitfully gain the trust of patients and their family and find ways and means to get patients’ money. They also asked us to do things which compromise our integrity, such as: invent an illness where there is none; treat a small illness as a big one; just use half the dose for infusions (but charge according to a full dose), because in this way, the patient’s illness will reduce, but will not get better as quickly and once the patient has spent almost all their money, the dosage that should be given can be used and in doing so, we can charge higher treatment and other fees. In short, they told us that we must steal all of the patient’s money and that this counts as being skilled. The cost of a day’s fees for these corporate cheats was as much as tens of thousands of yuan and the dean even referred to these liars’ absurd theories as industry secrets.
I Was Assimilated
After hearing this theory, at the time I felt very angry: Patients who have an illness are already suffering a lot. If we further “extort” money from them, then what will happen to them? I did not want to join them in their evil deeds doing such unconscionable things. But later I saw colleagues eating luxury food and wearing luxury clothes, who had bought cars and built buildings and who were living a high-quality lifestyle. I looked again at my meager monthly salary, which was just enough to cover living costs and felt somewhat unbalanced inside. This coupled with colleagues coming to see me personally to show me the way to enrich my family fortunes gradually distorted my outlook on life and I could not help joining the ranks of those “extorting” patients. Since then, I, like other doctors, prescribed large prescriptions and randomly prescribed drugs. At first, I still had some sense of conscience, but in the face of huge monetary profits, the little compassion I felt was all gone. Gradually, I became more and more fraudulent and learned how to size people up, making huge profits for the hospital and filling my pockets too. Money became my lifeblood and I saw patients as money. I made money for pleasure and enjoyment. At this time, I changed from a conscientious doctor into a ruthless “executioner.”
In addition to making bad money from the hospital, I also extended my reach to outside the hospital. From 1996, I spent my spare time visiting township hospitals seeing patients and even stole medical equipment from hospitals to carry out operations outside, like other doctors. In addition, I also abused my position to prescribe more drugs and took them to sell outside when practicing medicine. In this way, I was busy running around making money. My income from outside the hospital was three to four-times my normal salary. I was driven by interests for seven years. Not until SARS occurred in 2003 did I finally stop the external work.
Does Money Equal Happiness?
No longer visiting patients outside, my spare time increased. When the quiet of night came, I often asked myself: What has so many years of running around actually brought me? I always used to think that by having money, my family would be happy and safe, but actually this was not the case at all. Thinking back on my life so far, my husband saw I could make money and hadn’t worked for almost thirty years; he spent full days gambling in mahjong dens and also had an affair. He would usually return home at three or four in the morning and I was so angry that I would quarrel with him the whole day and even come to blows. After arguing, tears bathed my cheeks. My daughter saw that I could make money and from a young age, she was accustomed to eating well, wearing designer clothes and using luxury cosmetics. From a young age, she never cared about other people. When my daughter got married, I bought a new apartment for her and she later yearned for an apartment with an elevator and disliked the car that she drove and wanted to replace it for a new one…. My daughter and son-in-law desired more and more. When I could not meet their demands, they cursed me behind my back…. Is this really the life that I want? What has money actually brought me? Happiness? Security? Family happiness? None of these things! And all these years I had done so many unforgivable things and there was always a sense of fear in my heart, afraid that a medical incident would occur one day. These invisible pressures made me unable to breathe.
I do not know how many times I had sighed: O Heaven, what is the point of people living? What is the meaning of life? Surely I cannot be a money making machine? Money could only bring momentary happiness, but it could not bring me real happiness. It only brought me emptiness of the soul, a guilty conscience, degenerate humanity and family disharmony. I was living in a particularly painful and helpless way, but I was unable to rid myself of my endless desires and even less able to rid myself of the laws of survival of this evil society. I did not know which direction I would take, nor did I know how long I could prop myself up for. I felt particularly lonely and there was always an unprecedented sense of loss in my heart. I do not know how many times I wanted to find a place where there was no one else to cry….
God’s Gospel Arrives and My Soul Awakens
I do not know when my daughter started to believe in God, but one day she left a copy of a book, The Scroll Opened by the Lamb in my home. I picked it up and flicked through it and suddenly saw a passage: “There is an enormous secret in your heart. You never become aware of it because you have been living in a world without light shining. Your heart and your spirit have been taken away by the evil one. Your eyes are covered by darkness; you cannot see the sun in the sky, nor the twinkling star in the night. Your ears are clogged with deceptive words and you hear not the thunderous voice of Jehovah, nor the sound of the rushing waters from the throne. You have lost everything that should have belonged to you and everything that the Almighty bestowed upon you. You have entered an endless sea of bitterness, with no strength of a rescue, no hope of survival, left only to struggle and to bustle about…. From that moment, you are doomed to be afflicted by the evil one, kept far away from the blessings of the Almighty, out of reach of the provisions of the Almighty, and you embark on a road of no return. A million calls can hardly rouse your heart and your spirit. You sleep deeply in the hands of the evil one, who has lured you into the boundless realm, with no direction, with no road signs. Henceforth, you have lost your original purity, innocence, and started to hide from the care of the Almighty. The evil one steers your heart in every matter and becomes your life. You no longer fear him, no longer avoid him, no longer doubt him. Instead, you treat him as the God in your heart. You begin to enshrine him, worship him, be inseparable like a shadow of his, and mutually commit to each other in life and death.”
“The Almighty has mercy on these people who suffer deeply. At the same time, He is fed up with these people who have no consciousness, because He has to wait too long for the answer from humans. He desires to seek, seek your heart and your spirit. He wants to bring you food and water and to awaken you, so you are no longer thirsty, no longer hungry. When you are weary and when you begin to feel the desolation of this world, do not be perplexed, do not cry. Almighty God, the Watcher, will embrace your arrival any time. He is watching by your side, waiting for you to turn back. He is waiting for the day your memory suddenly recovers: becoming conscious of the fact that you came from God, somehow and somewhere once lost, falling unconscious on the roadside, and then, unknowingly having a father. You further realize that the Almighty has been watching there, awaiting your return all along. He longs bitterly, waiting for a response without an answer. His watching is priceless and is for the heart and the spirit of humans. Perhaps this watching is indefinite, and perhaps this watching is at its end. But you should know exactly where your heart and spirit are now” (“The Sighing of the Almighty” in The Word Appears in the Flesh).
These words spoke of the pain in my heart and were full of God’s clarion call to me. These warm words comforted my heart and made me feel like I had found a father who had been lost for many years. I was moved to tears. I thought about this lifetime of striving for fame and fortune by any means and destroying my own conscience to make money. But when I got these things, my soul was empty and in pain, sad and helpless. I had taken so many risks to make money and my conscience had gone in my striving for profit. I lived more and more painfully and was often under high mental pressure, resulting in frequent insomnia at night. The many years of hard work had not brought happiness, but had been exchanged for a broken family and distrust from loved ones…. At this moment, holding the book in my hands, thinking back to the scenes of affliction that I have felt from this world, the tears flowed uncontrollably…. At that time, I suddenly remembered that this book was left by my daughter and hurriedly called my daughter and asked her to come and talk to me. My daughter came back and saw the book in my hands and my red eyes, it seemed like she knew what I was thinking and she said: “Mom, I know you are in a lot of pain. I can understand how you feel now. Believe in God. Only God can resolve all our pain. I have just started to believe in God too. I originally intended to read the word of God and understand some truths and then talk to you, but since you saw God’s words today, this is the time that God has prepared for us….” My daughter then shared with me God’s last days’ work. Through my daughter’s fellowship, I knew that God came in the last days to utter truths to save people, that is, to change people’s corrupt disposition, to completely save people from Satan’s afflictions and to let people live under God’s care and protection…. Thinking back to this period of time when my daughter had not asked for money from me and on the contrary, was more considerate and caring toward me, I saw that only God could make her change in this way and I was sure that this was the voice of the true God and happily accepted the last days’ work of Almighty God.