Suffering and Refining Is God’s Love
I was a person with a very strong desire for position. So, after I became a leader, I tried every way to preserve my position and fame. In the fall of 2001, for the sake of my position and face, in the gospel work I often dragged in some people against the principles to swell the total, for I thought that as long as many people were gained, my position could be preserved, the brothers and sisters would think highly of me, and my leader would like me. Thus, I often cheated God because of that. Outwardly the people we dragged in were many, but in the following month, these people dropped out. Even so, I did not wake up but continued doing evil to deceive God.
But God searches everything. Soon I was asked to go home to do soul-searching. This was too much for me. I thought: In the past, the brothers and sisters all received me with a smiling face and respected me very much. Now I am thrown by God from “heaven” to “earth,” undergoing a tremendous change. What will others say about me? How can I have the face to meet people? … A string of questions distracted me. My heart was full of complaints: You didn’t ask me to go home earlier. Now God’s work is ending, and you send me back home. Having followed God for years, I am left with nothing, no money and no establishment, and become a poor wretch….
After staying at home for half a month, I collapsed. At first I could keep my prayer, but later I gave it up. I thought to myself, “Anyhow, God no longer wants me; what’s the use of my praying?” Thus, my misunderstanding about God grew deeper and deeper. In the end, I broke down completely and only wanted to die to end everything. I said to my parents: “I’m finished. God has deserted me. I don’t want to live.” They were worried to tears. Mother exhorted me by saying, “Your desire for position is too strong, child. I am not a leader; has God deserted me? God is righteous; he does not treat anyone unfairly. God wanted you to come back to do some soul-searching and then rise to cooperate with him. But you actually want to die. Really a good-for-nothing!” With these words, mother took the book of God’s word and fellowshipped with me about the consequence of rebelling against God. “I know all these,” I said to mother, “but I just can’t practice.” Yet mother still patiently read God’s words to me. When I heard God’s words, “Now when I am working among you, you are even like this. If one day no one takes charge of you, won’t you all become bandits dominating a territory? If you cause monstrous troubles at that time, who will tackle the disastrous situations? If you think that some of your rebellions are only a kind of occasional practice but not your usual acts, so I should not talk about them so seriously and hurt your face, if you really think so, you are too insensible. …,” I suddenly got enlightened. Isn’t position my fatal spot? Isn’t it the life by which I live? Today I have understood that God had me dismissed home not to knock me down, but to better save me and perfect me. God hopes that I will have transformation in my fatal spot soon; however, I was full of misunderstandings about God. I have broken God’s heart. After understanding this, I fell down before God and prayed to him, “O God, I thank you! Praise you! I am being refined today because of my disobedience and because I had deception on you. My desire for position has driven me to do many things that grieve you. If you had not chastised me this way, I would walk to destruction little by little because of this position. If you had not dismissed me home timely today, my inherent nature would ruin me, and sooner or later I would cause monstrous troubles. O God, my misunderstanding about you was too unreasonable. I have finally understood your kind intention; whatever you do is for saving me. Now I have known that it is really too dangerous if my desire for position is not transformed.”
Dongying City, Shandong Province