The gospel work in our district was ineffective all along. But I was not worried about that. This was because I thought that a person who could do the gospel work effectively must have quick wits and know how to use various kinds of wisdom and methods to mobilize the brothers and sisters; and in the world I was a slow-witted person and so I had no qualities of doing the gospel work. Therefore, whenever I saw the gospel work was effective in other districts, I thought that they could achieve results because they had brains and qualities in this aspect and could stir up the enthusiasm of the brothers and sisters; as I didn’t possess all this, how could I be comparable with them? Thus, I even lost my resolution to cooperate. When I fellowshipped with the brothers and sisters about how to mobilize people to preach the gospel, I flinched inwardly: “My quality is so poor and I can’t point out the ways of practice to them in my fellowship of this aspect. Just forget it. I will simply fellowship with them about what my leader has fellowshipped with me.” Just like this, I lost all my burden for the gospel work. I did the gospel work merely for formality, and when meeting with the brothers and sisters, I, as a rule, just asked them some questions about it. God’s requirements had long since become unclear in my heart.
At one meeting, by eating and drinking God’s word, I gained a little knowledge of this state of mine. God says: “As man cannot show full care for God’s will, he always acts wildly, without any restraint, and follows his own will. Because man is too low, he is always forgiving himself instead of caring for God’s will. However, man has been corrupted by satan to this day and is unable to extricate himself, so God says: ‘How can man escape from the mouth of the starving wolf? How can he free himself from its threats and enticements?’ When man lives in the flesh, he is living in the mouth of the starving wolf. In addition to that, man has no self-knowledge and always gives in to himself and allows himself to act unrestrainedly, so God has to worry.” “Do not just consider your transgressions to be errors of an immature or ignorant person, and do not consider your not practicing the truth to be an excuse that you are too poor in qualities to practice it, much less just consider the transgressions in your doings to be a kind of inexperienced act. If you are very good at forgiving yourself and very good at sparing yourself, I say that you will forever be a coward who cannot gain the truth, and that your transgressions will forever entangle you endlessly so that you will never be able to meet the requirements of the truth and will forever be satan’s faithful companion.”
After reading these words of God, I came to know why I became less and less burdened for the gospel work and even failed to get worried about it though I wanted to. It was because I had lived in the excuse that my quality was poor, always yielding to myself and forgiving myself. I did not realize that this excuse was exactly satan’s scheme and a kind of means by which satan devours me; I was falling into satan’s trap step by step and was becoming a prey to it, but I was totally unaware of that. Because of this excuse, I could not be pragmatic and serious in God’s commission, could not press forward in the face of difficulties, and could not pay a price practically. Because of this excuse, God’s will was hindered by me and consequently many souls could not come before God. Because of this excuse, when the Holy Spirit moved me for me to have a burden for the work, I shut God out and broke my relationship with God; I had resisted God but did not know to repent or reproach myself. Because of this excuse, I lived in the bondage and domination of satan and had more and more transgressions.
O God, I always submitted to myself, and never thought about the price you have paid for me. The poorer my quality is, the greater price you have to pay for me. You do not reject me for my poor quality, but instead you have given me such a great commission for me to have the opportunity to be perfected. However, I did not try hard to cooperate with you to repay your love for me; on the contrary, I took my poor quality as an excuse for not practicing the truth. O God! According to my doings, I should have long since been punished by you, because I had prevented your will from being carried out. Today, I could still live before you and this is because you have once again bestowed mercy upon me while suppressing your anger. You didn’t punish me and this doesn’t mean that I have no transgressions before you or you don’t loathe my behavior. You tolerated me because you are waiting for me to repent and start anew and waiting for my transformation. I am willing to, under the exposing and enlightenment by your word, truly repent and examine myself and atone for my indebtedness to you with my practical actions. I will not make you worry about me any more and will never let satan’s schemes succeed in me, so that you can enjoy the glory and testimony.
Renqiu City, Hebei Province