Kemu Zhumadian City, Henan Province
In my own mind, I’ve always thought of myself as having good humanity. I’ve thought this because, my neighbors often complimented me in front of my parents for being sensible and showing concern for our family; saying I was the apple of my parents’ eyes. After getting married, my in-laws praised me in front of neighbors for being kind and filial to them. In my unit, my leader praised me for being honest and competent. And since accepting this stage of God’s work, I’ve been obedient with whatever the church asks me to do. I never contradict the leader even if I get rebuked by the leader for not doing a good job, and I often help brothers and sisters who are in need. As such, I believe myself to be a reasonable, compassionate, and kindhearted person with humanity. I’ve never thought of myself in terms of the words in which God reveals that man lacks humanity or that man has weaker humanity. When communing God’s words with brothers and sisters, even though I know I need to be aware of my own nature, I still maintain my own view, thinking in my heart: Even if I am not a person of good humanity, I still have relatively good humanity compared with others. In other words, regardless of what God’s word says or what brothers and sisters say, I am not willing to disassociate myself from the idea of being a person of good humanity.
One day, as I was eating and drinking the word of God, a passage caught my attention. God says, “Some people are inherently good; they are able to practice truth. Some people’s humanity is weaker, thus it is hard for them to practice truth…. Would you say that he who does not practice truth has ever sought the truth? He absolutely has not sought it! His own thinking arises: ‘This way is good, it is to my advantage.’ In the end, he still acts based on his own ideas. He does not seek the truth because there is something wrong with his heart, his heart is not right. He does not seek, does not examine, nor does he pray before God; he just stubbornly acts according to his own wishes. This type of person simply holds no fondness for the truth. … Those without love for the truth will neither seek it in the moment, nor will they examine themselves afterward. They never scrutinize whether the act was carried out rightly or wrongly in the end, thus they always violate principles, violate the truth. … A person who has a heart is only able to make a mistake once when undertaking a course of action, twice at the very most—once or twice, not three or four times, this is normal sense. If they are able to commit the same mistake three or four times, this proves that they harbor no love for the truth, nor do they seek the truth. This kind of person is definitely not a humane individual” (“Resolving Nature and Practicing Truth” in Records of Christ’s Talks). After reading this passage of God’s words, I had a sudden revelation. As it turns out, good or bad humanity is closely connected with the implementation of the truth. A person of good humanity will seek the truth and practice the truth in everything, and examine himself afterward. I have always considered myself to have good humanity, so am I someone who seeks and practices the truth in everything? Thinking back, I did not pray or seek the truth with regard to many things I encountered. I did not examine or understand myself afterward. Even though I had expressed my corrupt disposition, I did not resolve my issues by seeking the truth, but continued to commit the same mistake repeatedly. Sometimes even if I understood an aspect of the truth, I didn’t seem to want to practice it. I recall many examples of this vividly. One time, I remember feeling a sense of estrangement with the person I was partnered with. I was aware it would directly affect work effectiveness if the problem was not solved, but because of my pride and vanity, I refused to let go of my ego and have an open communication with her. Instead, I bit the bullet and continued working, resulting in very ineffective work. When I sometimes saw brothers and sisters reveal a certain aspect of their corrupt disposition, I didn’t try to commune in truth with them to help them know themselves, but instead judged them behind their back. I didn’t repent or try to change my ways even after being dealt with a few times, but instead persisted in my old ways. I did not strive for the best results in doing my duty, but was always lazy and sneaky, dealing with things sloppily, always deceiving God to maintain my own standing, fortune, and status. I didn’t think much of it or have a guilty conscience. I didn’t seek or investigate when things happened in my work, but just did as I wanted. Even if it brought serious losses to the church, I did not feel like I was indebted to God, nor was I embarrassed by my evil deeds. Even if God reminded me through His words and exposed my corruption through dealing and pruning, I continued to ignore Him, and committed the same transgressions upward of three or four times. Do these actions not prove that I lack humanity and am not a lover of the truth in the eyes of God? Regardless, I haven’t sought to know myself based on my nature, but continue to wear the laurel of “good humanity” on my head. How shameless I’ve been!
Right now, my heart is filled with guilt, and at the same time full of gratitude to God. I cannot help but pour myself out before God, “God, thank You for Your enlightenment, letting me know I am not a person with good humanity, helping me understand a person with true humanity is one who loves the truth, is someone who listens to God and obeys God, is someone who is willing to practice the truth and pursue a love of God. I also realize my understanding of myself is not based on the truth of God’s words, but is based on my own imagination and ideas, as well as my worldly views. It’s totally absurd. God, from now on, I don’t want to measure myself according to Satan’s viewpoint or my own imagination. I want to know myself based on Your words, and do my utmost in pursuit of the truth, so I can soon become a person with truth and humanity to comfort Your heart.”