One day, a sister would give me a Motorola cell. I said to her, “Why? Is it my privilege to enjoy the good thing? Give it to XX. I won’t take it!” At the moment when I decided not to take it, I was somewhat pleased with myself, thinking that I had overcome satan’s temptation and had had some stature. But the Holy Spirit rebuked and enlightened me within: Were you practicing the truth or performing an outward practice? What were you thinking in the depths of your heart? What was your practice for? Which word of truth of God made you so “courteous” and “generous”? At this time, I was perplexed. My not taking this cell does not mean that I no longer pursue vainglory or take advantage of my work to seek personal gain, nor mean that I have had some stature and am willing to practice the truth. In the depths of my heart, there are hidden things to be dug out: First, this cell is not new, and is not worth taking. Second, I once handed in a brand-new Motorola cell, which was given by my leader to Brother X and I failed to get. Today I came upon this old one; if I took it, it would be too disgraceful. Third, I intended to show off; I showed a magnanimous attitude before the sister by asking her to give it to someone else. Good heavens! Was I practicing the truth in doing so? What did it have to do with the truth? On the contrary, I was full of disgraceful and sly things within: First, it is not that I did not want a cell, but that I thought this one is old and is not worth taking. If it were new, I am afraid I would be unable to overcome. I am really too crafty, vain, and greedy. Second, today I have still not dropped the matter of the leader giving the new cell to Brother X; reminded of that matter by this matter, I could not be balanced in my heart. This shows that what I seek after is still fame and gain. Third, I did not lay bare the ugliness, filthiness, and baseness in the depths of my heart, but shamelessly said something like “I will rebel against my flesh and give up good things to others.” All these were vividly performed without my knowing it. I was really nauseatingly hypocritical. I could not help thinking of God’s words: “I have long put all kinds of people in different environments. They all are displaying their original attributes in their own place. No one binds them, and no one entices them. Their everything is free, and all their expression is very natural. The only thing they cannot get released from is my word.” O God, your words are the truth and the fact, and are most realistic. And your work is so wonderful and wise. I cannot but fall down and worship you. Your such words and work are exactly my need. If it were not for them, how could I have seen my true self clearly? My living out and expression were full of satanic poisons, and full of things loathsome and nauseating to you. How then could I do good to your family or to others? Today, you have made me understand how man should live. How can I still cling to those evil and dark things? How can I still be tempted by those worthless things? O God! May you occupy my heart. May you change my inner life. Whether it be chastisement and judgment or suffering and tribulation, I am willing to obey and accept them completely. I only desire that your majestic, righteous, and holy nature will often come upon me. It is my greatest blessing that I, an unworthy person, can be exposed by you, chastised by you, and purified by you.
Fuyang City, Anhui Province