There Was Mixture in My Expending
One day, I suddenly felt an unbearable pain in my abdomen. After an examination in the hospital, the doctor said that I had a tumor in my abdomen and I needed an operation. But because I was then in financial difficulties, I had to control the development of my illness by taking medicine. I trusted to luck and thought: God knows my illness. Hasn’t God said “Living in illness, you will be ill. Living in spirit, you won’t be ill”? I will just go out to perform my duty; perhaps my illness will be gone as I run around. So, during that period of time, whatever God’s family assigned me to do, I tried my best to do it well. I performed my duty with all my might, enduring the pain. I thought: God remembers those who suffer for him and my illness won’t be serious.
Two months later, I had another examination to see if the tumor had become smaller because of the price I had paid. But, the doctor told me that it was much bigger than last time. When I heard this result, my head got a buzz and before my eyes was complete darkness. I couldn’t hear what the doctor said next, and in my mind there was only a word left, “It is much bigger than before.” After I became slightly conscious, my first reaction was to question God in my heart: God! For your gospel work, I toiled from before dawn till after dark with my illness, going out early and coming home late. Regardless of wind or rain or scorching sun, I never stopped. I’ve laboriously expended so much, but now my illness is not gone, but instead, it has become more serious. Why is it so! After I returned home, I threw myself down on the bed and covered my head and had a good cry, as if I had all kinds of grievances but had no one to tell to. In the following two days, I did not want to read the word of God. When I prayed, I opened my mouth just to recount my grievances. And even more, I had no intention to perform my duty. I felt weak all over and didn’t want to go anywhere. I only wanted to stay at home to take good care of myself. When I was extremely pessimistic and disappointed, I opened The Summary of Christ’s Preachings and Conversations, and I read these words of God: “Therefore, if there are some states within you which you do not know nor feel are wrong, no matter how hard you pursue the truth or how zealous you are, you will probably fall at some time…. At the present time, man’s crucial difficulty is that everyone has within him some imaginations, notions, wishes, and empty ideals that he himself cannot discover. It is indeed very dangerous that there are these things mixed within people and accompanying them constantly. Maybe at some time they will have a relapse, speaking ravings and uttering complaints.” As I was reading, I involuntarily realized that I ran and bustled about and performed my duty with my own extravagant desire. I always thought that as long as I expended myself for God, God would free me from my fleshly illness. When my desire was shattered, I became passive, made complaints, reasoned with God, and talked about my qualifications. Isn’t my belief with bargaining too contemptible and too extravagant? It is right and proper for me to perform my duty. Performing it properly is my obligation, and failing to perform it well is my disobedience. Besides, I perform my duty in order to gain the truth and accumulate good deeds for myself. Do I have any qualification to make this or that extravagant demand of God? Was I not acting unreasonably? I was utterly devoid of sense! If I continue to expend for God with my imagination and notion, I will surely fall down in the end. Having thought of that, I felt I was in so dangerous a state. I couldn’t help offering thanks to God: “O God! Thank you that through the illness you have made me see clearly my mean intent and the mixture in my belief. I am willing to drop my incorrect intent, remove the mixture in my belief, and commit my everything to you. Whether my illness will be healed or not, I will fulfill the duty that I should fulfill.”
Zhengzhou City, Henan Province