In the past, I was a person with strong vanity and always hated to hear others say “no” to me. I did not expect that my vanity would cause me to suffer a lot.
That was the fall of 2001. God’s family changed my work. The scope of my work became wider than before, and more people were under my charge. My position was uplifted, and my vanity grew stronger as well. Since I accepted this commission, I always felt uneasy in the face of the surrounding people, matters, and things. This was because the sister, my predecessor, was good in eloquence, qualities, and so on, and by comparison, I always had a sense of inferiority and was always afraid that others would look down on me.
At one meeting, several sisters said to me, “Your word lacked strength. Having had the meeting for a few days, you did not talk anything important….” They all talked in such a way, which made me feel extremely distressed. I was uneasy all over and my mind was a blank. I thought, “I’m finished. None of them has a good opinion of me and I’m afraid I am unable to do this work.” At that moment I thought of my family members who didn’t believe in God. They doted on me and loved me and never said that I was not up to this or that. At that time, I really wanted to leave God and even had the idea to die.
This blow was too heavy for me. I was unwilling to bear such torment and to face the people, the matters, and the things that God had arranged for me. In agony, I struggled repeatedly. Just when I was refined so hard that I could hardly support myself, I read these words in the man’s fellowship: “To accept the truth, one must have the courage to face the true facts. If one only likes to hear flattering words, words pleasing to the ear, or words agreeing with his notions, then this is certainly not the manifestation of a person who accepts the truth but the devilish feature of the great red dragon. …having no reason, hankering after vanity, blowing their own horns, and having no self-knowledge, and they all dare not face the true facts, and specially dread to expose their shortcomings, and try hard to cover up their shortcomings. So it’s very difficult for them to accept the truth.” Reading those words and examining myself, I understood this: Isn’t my vanity exactly the devilish feature of the great red dragon? Now God uses the truth to remove these corruptions and to save people from satan’s bondage, but this needs people to cooperate initiatively, that is, people must dare to face the true facts. When I understood these, I realized how ignorant and poor I was and that vanity had harmed me so much that it almost cost me my life.
Now, I feel much more relieved than before. Although sometimes I still suffer from my vanity, I’m not restrained by it and hindered from performing my duty. I’m now actively pursuing the transformation of my nature, so that I can, under the guidance of God, become a person who truly dares to face reality and completely lay aside my vanity, because it has harmed me so deeply.
Weifang City, Shandong Province