Since I accepted God’s new work, God had uplifted me greatly and always put me in a position of leadership to be trained and cultivated. I, however, often worried about my position, always fearing to be replaced if I didn’t do my work well. Whenever no results were achieved in the work, my heart was shrouded in a shadow. And if my leader added a word, “How have you done the work? You always fail to do the work well!” my heart would be even more nervous and I said to myself, “Please don’t replace me. Give me another opportunity and I will try my best to do the work!” Just like this, for my position, I never hesitated to stoop to compromise, and my “pliable” and “sincere” manner was really disgusting to look at.
One day, a sister came to take over my work, saying that she was to replace me. Hearing that, I seemed to have got a bolt from the blue, and my heart broke. After the handover of the work, I walked out of the host home with heavy steps, and like a frost-bitten eggplant, couldn’t square my shoulders any more. I speculated secretly in my mind: O God, all things and all matters are in your hand. Is it that you are perfecting me? Is it that you are refining me through this matter? In the past, when I changed the work of the brothers and sisters, I often fellowshipped with them that God perfects people not according to “position” but according to their loyalty to God. O God! Do you want me to turn these letters and doctrines I once said into my reality? A string of questions stirred in my mind.
Later, owing to God’s guidance, I began to sing hymns from God’s word: “If I am given a high position, it is your uplifting; if I am in a low position, it is your ordination. Everything is in your hand. I will make no other choice, but will only completely submit under your authority, for all this is your ordination. … When you use me, I am a creature; if you perfect me, I am still a creature; even if you do not perfect me, I will still love you, for I am only a creature.” “Now even if you are not a worker, you should perform your duty as a created being and pursue to let God control you in everything as he wishes. You should obey whatever God says and should be able to experience any tribulation and refining. You should love God in your heart despite your weakness. Those who are responsible for their own life are the ones who are willing to fulfill their duty as a created being. Such people’s viewpoint of pursuing viewpoint of pursuing is right. God just needs this kind of people….” As I was singing, my heart got a great consolation. I thought: Why do I feel sad at losing my position? Doesn’t this fully show that my viewpoint of pursuit is not right? What do I believe in God exactly for? Is it for getting a high position or for gaining the truth? God says: “If your goal of pursuit is not to seek the truth, then you’d better take this chance to return to the world and make an all-out effort to work for yourself. …” From this I see that God lets me follow him in order for me to pursue the truth rather than position. Can my present pursuit be after God’s heart’s desire? If I continue like this, won’t I be like Paul? O God, thank you for arranging such a matter for me. Otherwise I would not have realized that my goal to pursue was wrong, and even less could I drop my desire for position.
Although God had inspired and comforted me, yet since I was too corrupt and my desire for position was too strong, when I was free my head kept thinking and the “maggots” produced from it upset me greatly. I always thought: The sister was not even as good as me in doing the work, but I was replaced by her. What on earth was the matter? The more I thought, the more I felt unbalanced. And I once again fell into refining. At that time, a passage from the man’s fellowship attached to Christ’s Talks with Some Church Workers made me somewhat wake up: “Everything God does is meaningful, and there are the truths in it. The point is that man cannot fathom it at the time. But sooner or later, it will be revealed. God never does a meaningless thing. Especially in the things about which people have most notions, they must be also most meaningful. He who has notions will certainly be put to shame. …” Thinking about these words, seeing the work God did on me, and then considering my actual reactions, I felt that the work God did on me was really wonderful. It had exposed my arrogant, conceited, self-important, and self-right nature, and it also made me know my wrong pursuit. Having me replaced was in order to refine me and cleanse away such things within me and to better perfect me. This is the significance of God doing this work on me. Thanks be to God! Through the change of my work, I have practically felt that everything God does is aimed at people’s need and is to perfect people, and it is not intended to be hard on them. Due to “position,” I once suffered a lot. But through this refining, I have gained what I did not have before. Although I have no “position” now, my steps of believing in God and following God are more assured, more practical.
Zhumadian City, Henan Province