204 I Wish to Stand Up Again
1 Fortune and renown are like shackles that bind my heart. How I bow and scrape, all for the sake of success. One look, one disapproving sound from another, sets my heart racing. Always do I search for my place in the crowd, fearful of others’ dismissal. My heart is possessed by ambition and extravagant desires, I do not understand the value of pursuing the truth. So much negativity, so many work accomplishments, all for the sake of status, renown, and fortune. In my work and preaching, I hold myself high and show off; I give things up, and pay a price, but that, too, is a trade with God. I am selfish and ignoble, so lacking in humanity, so disobedient, how could I not be spurned by God?
2 Struggling amidst the dark, my soul is so empty. Without God’s presence, I am like the walking dead, overcome with suffering and pain. Each of God’s words is the truth; I despise myself for not treasuring and cherishing them. Today, having tasted the inviolability of God’s disposition, I prostrate myself upon the ground, filled with regret. O God! I long for the advent of Your judgment, like a desert thirsting for the rain. I wish to live amid Your judgment and chastisement, I would live for Satan no longer. I despise how weak I am, how I have allowed Satan to trample over me. O God! I beg You to be merciful, to allow me to receive Your judgment and cleansing.
3 God’s words are like a sharp sword, piercing my soul. Only now do I see how deeply corrupted by Satan I am, that I have lost my humanity and rationality. I am dust, small and lowly; God gave me life, and He is merciful and concerned toward me. Not mindful of God’s will, I owe Him so much; I am truly unfit to enjoy God’s love. O God! To save man You have humbly become flesh, enduring humiliation among man. You worked Your heart out for man; so much love is contained within Your words. Knowing Your kindness and beauty, I despise myself even more. Today, though I have fallen, I wish to stand up again, to give my all to pursue the truth and begin anew.