Yesterday’s Indulgence Begets Today’s Chastening
The fourth administrative decree says: “Man has corrupt nature and even more has emotions. So, in serving in coordination, all are forbidden to coordinate with the opposite sex alone. If they are discovered to do so, they shall be expelled, no matter who they are.” The administrative decree God has issued to us is clear, but in order to gratify my lust, I disregarded God’s administrative decree and fellowshipped with a brother alone for several times. Then I felt a mild affection for him. And I clung obstinately to my course and fell into passions and lusts. His every word and deed, every act and move, and his figure were all deeply imprinted on my mind. Actually, in my each contact with him alone, God rebuked me in my heart: Doing so has a bad influence. Isn’t your behavior nauseating and loathsome to God? Have you forgotten the administrative decree? But my evil inherent nature drove me to go against the Holy Spirit’s moving, and I gave in to and indulged myself again and again. Sometimes, I even walked with him alone until eight to nine o’clock at night. My heart had been completely occupied by him. Though I knew God’s nature and knew God loathes man’s passions and lusts, I was unable to stop and was distracted by this matter. I wanted to open myself to fellowship with others, but I always felt that I could not bring the matter up. It is really embarrassing to speak it out. What will the brothers and sisters think of me? What kind of person will they look on me as? I was very distressed and afraid within, thinking, “Am I not bound to die if I go on like this? For God is righteous and holy and he does not allow man to offend his administrative decree.” At this thought, I immediately came before God and prayed: “O God, may you forgive me and save me. I am evil and ugly. I have been so corrupted by satan that I have no power to overcome sin. May you pull me out of sin. I am willing to rebel against the flesh.” After the prayer, my heart gradually calmed down. But that condition did not last long. With the arising of appropriate circumstances, those evil thoughts disturbed my heart constantly again, causing my condition to become worse and worse, so that I completely lived in passions and lusts and was unwilling to rebel against the flesh. When I was in the state of being unable to extricate myself, God’s family gave me a notice, which said that I would be transferred to another place. At the news, I not only did not thank God for his salvation and keeping, but I was resistant in my heart and did not want to go. I did not want to leave him, but I was afraid of being punished by God. So, I left that place reluctantly, with disobedience.
That day, the rain was pouring down and I set out on my bicycle. But I, who was corrupt, did not at all think about God’s commission to me or expectations of me, even less did I understand God’s kind intention in arranging this environment for me. Rather, I was recalling the scenes of my being with him…. When I was immersed in reverie, with a sudden thud, I fell with my bicycle to the ground. I instantly felt my face burning. It hurts! I touched my face with my hand, which I found was covered with blood. A half of my face was entirely skinned. The torment of evil passions and the pain of the flesh mingled within me. Covering my face with my dress, I shuffled forward step by step. I thought, “My face so skinned, how will I meet people after getting there? I’d better go back.” At the moment, God guided me within: “Why have you not been woken by the fall? You still care about your face? Go back where? Aren’t you afraid of having another accident if you go back? It’s God’s mercy that you are left with this breath. If the fall had killed you, would you still have face? What do you think? Rise quickly and face up to the fact!” Then, I remembered God’s words: “I advise you to pay some attention to reality. Do not practice fraud, and do not show off your charm. You flirt with each other, but what you buy with it is everlasting suffering and merciless chastening!” God’s words made me become more sober, and I understood that God’s chastening was salvation for me. In this hour and this circumstance, I hated all the more my evil, corruption, filthiness, and lowness, and felt ashamed of my ugly and evil soul. At the same time, I realized that God’s discipline contained his love and salvation for me, and saw God’s nature holy and righteous and intolerant of man’s offense. I could not help having fear of God, and also being full of gratitude. O God, I am so disobedient, yet you have not given up saving me. You still have mercy on, tolerate, and keep me, removing me from the temptation. Otherwise, my end would be unimaginable. O God, from now on, I will repent and make a fresh start, indulging my flesh no more, letting satan fool me no more, and doing no more things loathsome to you. May your smiting and discipline accompany me, so that I can drop the lusts of my flesh, walk the path of belief in you cautiously at all times, and follow you to the end in a down-to-earth manner. Thank God! It is God’s chastening and discipline that has cared for and kept me and saved me from my passions and lusts.
Suzhou City, Anhui Province