219 God’s Words Awoke My Heart
1 I believed in God for many years, and although I often attended meetings and read God’s words, I never accepted the judgment of God’s words to dissect and examine myself. I just acknowledged my own corruption and did not know my own nature or essence. Understanding a little doctrine, I boasted and thought it was reality. I worked and preached but paid no heed to practicing or experiencing God’s words. Just like Paul, I knew only how to work for reputation and status. I enjoyed being looked up to and worshiped, and my heart was fearless. I insisted on going my own way, yet I was smug and couldn’t come to my senses.
2 Only by experiencing failures and setbacks did I see clearly my own true stature. Facing the judgment and chastisement of God’s words, I just argued and defended myself. I knew well that the truth was beneficial to people’s lives, but I couldn’t accept or obey it. I performed my duty without any principles of the truth, and acted solely on my own desires. When I encountered a small setback I would become negative and weak, and would delineate myself. Through trials I saw how immature my stature was, and that I was so poor and pitiful. With no self-knowledge, I showed myself off, and this was so shameful. Faced with the facts, I was shamed and I lowered my haughty head.
3 Having experienced God’s judgment, trials and exposure, I now know myself. Though I seem to behave well, I have no fear of God in my heart. I still hold onto notions of God’s work in my heart, I can’t genuinely submit. Full of a satanic disposition, I still act hypocritically to deceive God and resist Him. Not gaining the truth or life after all these years of faith is such a humiliation. I’ve finally understood that not pursuing the truth is frittering away time. Only thanks to God’s judgment and chastisement am I able to truly repent. I wish for God to judge, chastise, test and refine me even more, so that I may be cleansed of my satanic disposition and that I may live out a human likeness to glorify God.