By Li Xin, China

In 2009, a relative of mine preached God’s gospel of the kingdom to me. She told me that in the last days, God expresses the truth to purify our corruption, save humanity from sin, and free us from this life of suffering, ultimately bringing us to a beautiful destination where there would be no more pain or sorrow. As soon as I heard this, I thought, “Isn’t this exactly the life I’ve always longed for?” I then gladly accepted God’s work of the last days and soon began doing my duty in the church. For the next few years, all was well with my family and our lives were going smoothly. I often gave thanks to God, and I was even more motivated to forsake things and expend myself.

Then, one afternoon in the autumn of 2019, my eldest daughter got a call from the police station. There had been an accident at the construction site my husband was the contractor for. A migrant worker had died accidentally on the job, and my husband had been taken to a detention center to await processing. When I heard the news, my mind went blank. I thought to myself, “How could this have happened? How much will we have to pay in compensation? We don’t have any money to begin with; we can’t afford this at all. With my husband detained, won’t our family be ruined?” I couldn’t even describe what I was feeling inside. My daughter complained, “Don’t you believe in God? How could something like this still happen to our family?” When our relatives back home heard about it, some complained, “What terrible luck for this to happen to them! All the money they’ve earned over the years was for nothing!” Others said, “Who knows how much they’ll have to pay!” Hearing them all talking at once, with no one offering to help me raise money and instead just making callous remarks, I felt deeply disheartened. On top of that, I was worried the deceased worker’s family would come and cause trouble. For those few days, I was terrified and anxious. I couldn’t eat or sleep well. Whenever I thought about the compensation, I was overwhelmed with worry, “All the money my husband earned working so hard from morning till night these past years went to paying off debts and buying machinery and tools. We have no money left over. If we have to pay hundreds of thousands in compensation, where am I going to get that kind of money?” All I could do was entrust these difficulties to God and pray, “O God, I don’t know what to do about this huge compensation payment. I can’t count on my relatives or friends. I place all of this in Your hands. Please help me get through this difficult time.” A couple of months later, after mediation by the court, the other party demanded 280,000 yuan in compensation. The lawyer said that if we could pay the money and the other party signed a letter of forgiveness, my husband would not have to go to jail. If we couldn’t pay, he would be sentenced. To me, 280,000 yuan was an astronomical figure! How could a woman like me get that much money? But if I couldn’t pay, my husband would be sentenced to prison. I had no choice but to go around borrowing money from all our relatives, but to my surprise, when I went around asking for help, they all refused me with various excuses. Faced with their indifference, I felt so desolate and helpless, and I was so worried that I couldn’t stop crying. I cried out to God over and over, hoping He would help me get through this difficult time. But as the deadline for the payment drew near, I still hadn’t been able to raise anywhere near that amount. I couldn’t help but start to complain in my heart, “Those nonbelievers are living just fine. I believe in God, I’ve left everything behind for my faith, and even when my husband and brother tried to stop me, I persisted in doing my duty. I’m a true believer, so why didn’t God protect me? Why did He let such a disaster befall me?” The more I thought about it, the more aggrieved I felt, and I cried out to God, “O God, I’ve been doing my duty all these years. Why didn’t You protect me? This disaster feels like a huge mountain crushing me, and I can hardly breathe. I can’t bear it anymore. What should I do?” I realized it was wrong for me to complain, but I truly had nowhere to turn, and I just couldn’t submit in my heart. In those days, I couldn’t eat or sleep, I had no energy at all, and I lost the heart to read God’s words. I felt so distant from God. Later, because my family just couldn’t come up with the compensation money, my husband was sentenced to a year and a half in prison. I was deeply distressed in the face of this outcome. With my husband in jail, there was no one to earn money for the family. What would we do to get by in the future? Faced with these difficulties, I felt I couldn’t rely on anyone but myself. I started thinking that I couldn’t do my duty full-time anymore, and would have to spend half of each day working a part-time job.

After the church supervisor learned about my situation, she fellowshipped to help me and said that I should seek God’s intentions in what had happened to my family and learn lessons from it. So I began to pray and seek from God. During my devotionals, I read some of God’s words: “Job’s statement, ‘Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive adversity?’ already clarifies why he was able to submit to God, and there is truth to be sought within it. Did he express any complaints or grievances when he made this statement? (No.) Was there any ambiguity or negative implications? (No.) Definitely not. Job ultimately realized through his experiences that how the Creator treats people is not for people to decide. This might sound a little unpleasant, but it is a fact. God has arranged everyone’s fate for their entire life; whether you accept it or not, it’s a fact. You cannot change your destiny. God is the Creator, and you should submit to His orchestrations and arrangements. However God acts is correct because He is the truth and He is the Sovereign over all things, and people should submit to Him. This ‘all things’ includes you, and it includes all created beings. Whose fault is it, then, that you always want to resist? (It is our own fault.) It is your problem. You always want to give reasons and find fault; is this right? You always want to receive blessings and benefits from God; is this right? None of it is right. These views represent an incorrect knowledge and understanding of God. Precisely because your view of believing in God is incorrect, you will inevitably resist, contend with, and oppose God whenever you face some situation, always thinking, ‘It is wrong of God to do this; I can’t understand it. Everyone would protest His doing it that way. It’s not like God to do that!’ But this matter is not one of what God is like; whatever God does, He is still God. If you lack this reason and this understanding, always scrutinizing and making deductions when things befall you each day, the result will be that you will only contend with and oppose God at every turn, and you won’t be able to break out of this state. But if you have this understanding and you can take the position of a created being, and when you encounter situations you compare yourself to this aspect of the truth and practice and enter into it, then your inner fear of God will increase over time. Unconsciously, you will come to feel: ‘It turns out that what God does is not wrong; what God does is all good. People do not need to scrutinize and analyze it; just put yourself at the mercy of God’s orchestration!’ And when you find yourself unable to submit to God or accept His orchestrations, your heart will feel rebuked: ‘I haven’t been a good created being. Why can’t I just submit? Isn’t this making the Creator sad?’ The more you desire to be a good created being, the more your understanding and clarity of this aspect of the truth grows” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Attitude Man Should Have Toward God). Previously, I had often read the story of Job, but had only ever seen it as a story. As I pondered it again that day, seeing how Job didn’t sin with his lips even when faced with such great trials, I was filled with admiration for his submission to God. Job lost all his sheep and oxen that had covered the hills, his vast fortune, and all his children; he was also covered in sore boils, yet he did not complain about God. He knew that God is the Creator, and no matter what God does, man should submit. He knew that this is the reason a created being should possess, and one cannot be happy when God blesses but complain when God takes away; that would be taking the wrong position. That is why Job was able to say, “Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive adversity?” (Job 2:10). Job believed that whatever God did was good, and even though he didn’t understand, he could still submit. Compared to the trials Job faced, what did the things I had encountered amount to? Despite this, I didn’t show the slightest submission. I spent my days proclaiming, “God holds sovereignty over all things and governs all things; we should submit to His sovereignty and arrangements,” but when my husband got in trouble, I couldn’t submit at all. I repeatedly demanded that God help me resolve my immediate difficulties. When God didn’t satisfy my demands, I even questioned Him, asking why He would let something like that happen to me. I felt like God had it in for me, that what He did was unreasonable. I even thought about giving up my duty to find my own way out. I saw that I had no understanding of God’s sovereignty at all, and not a trace of a God-fearing heart. Thinking about it—before I believed in God, my family had both good times and bad times. Nonbelievers also sometimes experience times of ease, while at other times they face natural or man-made disasters. In reality, a person’s fate in life, including how many hardships and setbacks they will face, has long been preordained by God. But I believed that those who believe in God should have better lives than nonbelievers and shouldn’t encounter disasters. Wasn’t this a distorted understanding, and a lack of knowledge of God’s sovereignty? God is the Creator. He knows our needs best, and He sets up suitable environments for us to experience. God’s sovereignty and arrangements are always behind what happens to each person at what time. Even if things don’t align with our notions on the surface, they are definitely beneficial to our life: I should submit and seek God’s intentions. But, though I had enjoyed so much of God’s grace and blessings, and the watering and supply of His words, I didn’t show the slightest gratitude. The moment something happened that wasn’t to my liking, I complained bitterly against God. I saw how devoid of humanity I was! I was filled with remorse and prayed to God in repentance, willing to submit to His sovereignty and arrangements.

Afterward, I reflected on myself: Why was it that I would complain about God whenever something unpleasant happened? I then read some of God’s words: “You hope that your faith in God will not entail any difficulties or tribulations, or the slightest suffering. You always pursue those things that are worthless, and you attach no value to life, instead putting your own extravagant thoughts before the truth. You are so worthless! You live like a pig—what difference is there between you, and pigs and dogs? Are those who do not pursue the truth, and instead love the flesh, not all beasts? Are those dead ones without spirits not all walking corpses? How many words have been spoken among you? Has only a little work been done among you? How much have I provided among you? So why have you not gained it? What do you have to complain of? Is it not the case that you have gained nothing because you are too in love with the flesh? And is it not because your thoughts are too extravagant? Is it not because you are too stupid? If you are incapable of gaining these blessings, can you blame God for not saving you? What you pursue is to be able to gain peace after believing in God, for your children to be free from illness, for your husband to have a good job, for your son to find a good wife, for your daughter to find a decent husband, for your oxen and horses to plow the land well, for a year of good weather for your crops. This is what you pursue. Your pursuit is only to live in comfort, for no accidents to befall your family, for the winds to pass you by, for your face to be untouched by grit, for your family’s crops to not be flooded, for you to be unaffected by any disaster, to live in ‘God’s embrace,’ to live in a cozy nest. A coward such as you, who always pursues the flesh—do you have a heart, do you have a spirit? Are you not a beast? I give you the true way without asking for anything in return, yet you do not pursue. Are you one of those who believe in God? I bestow real human life upon you, yet you do not pursue. Are you no different from a pig or a dog? Pigs do not pursue the life of man, they do not pursue being cleansed, and they do not understand what life is. Each day, after eating their fill, they simply sleep. I have bestowed the true way on you, yet you have not gained it: You are empty-handed. Are you willing to continue in this life, the life of a pig? What is the significance of such people being alive? Your life is contemptible and ignoble, you live amid filth and licentiousness, and you do not pursue any goals; is your life not the most ignoble of all? Do you have the gall to face God? If you continue to experience in this way, will you not acquire nothing? The true way has been given to you, but whether or not you can ultimately gain it depends on your own personal pursuit” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Experiences of Peter: His Knowledge of Chastisement and Judgment). As I pondered God’s words, they pierced my heart. Wasn’t I exactly the kind of person God exposes, someone who always seeks peace of the flesh, and lacks a heart and a spirit? The reason I first came to believe in God was that my family was always facing trouble, and I just wanted to find something to lean on. When I heard that God could save people and bestow peace and blessings, I treated God as my great savior. I thought that as long as I properly believed in God and did my duty, He would bless my family with peace and keep us from disaster or calamity. When my husband got the construction contract and our family’s living conditions improved, I thanked God profusely and became even more proactive in my duty. But when the accident happened at his site, we couldn’t afford the compensation, and he was sentenced to prison, I complained that God hadn’t protected me and didn’t want to eat and drink God’s words or pray. I even felt that God couldn’t be relied upon and thought about finding my own way out by getting a part-time job to earn money. Just think, God became flesh in the last days and came to earth to bestow upon man abundant truths, allowing people to experience His work, pursue the truth, and achieve a change in disposition, so they can ultimately be saved and enter His kingdom. This is God’s great love and salvation for mankind. But in my belief in God, the aims of my pursuit were incorrect; I only wanted to enjoy comfort of the flesh, and even held the fantasy that if one person believed in God, their whole family would be blessed. Isn’t this the same view of faith that religious people have? In the last days, God does the work of judgment and chastisement, expressing the truth to purify people’s corrupt dispositions. God hopes that everyone can pursue and gain the truth and live out a meaningful life. But I just always pursued grace and blessings, seeking fleshly comfort like an animal. This is the most pathetic and worthless kind of life. If I continued pursuing this way, I would fail to gain the truth and achieve no change in my disposition. Wouldn’t I then end up empty-handed, with nothing to show for it? In the end, I would still be eliminated by God. I saw how foolish and ignorant I was!

Later, I read another passage of God’s words, and gained some understanding of my own nature. Almighty God says: “One of the main intentions and attitudes of antichrists toward their duty is to use it as an opportunity to make a transaction with God and to gain the benefits that they want. They also believe: ‘When people abandon their families and renounce their worldly prospects to do their duty in god’s house, it goes without saying that they ought to gain something, to get something in return, only this is fair and reasonable. If you do your duty and receive nothing, even if you receive some truths, it’s not worth it. Dispositional change isn’t such a tangible benefit either—even if you’ve received salvation, no one will be able to see it!’ These disbelievers turn a blind eye to any requirement God has for humankind. They do not acknowledge or believe it, and they adopt an attitude of denial. Judging from the attitudes and intentions with which antichrists treat their duty, they clearly are not people who pursue the truth, but are disbelievers and opportunists; they are of Satan. Have you heard that Satan can loyally do a duty? (No.) If Satan can do its ‘duty’ in front of God, then this duty must be in quotation marks because Satan is doing it passively and under compulsion, Satan is being maneuvered by God, and God is exploiting it. Therefore, because of their antichrist essence, and because they do not love the truth, are averse to the truth, and even more so, because of their wicked nature, antichrists cannot do their duties as created beings unconditionally or without compensation, nor can they pursue the truth or gain the truth while doing their duties or do them according to the requirements of God’s words” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Seven)). God exposes that antichrists have a selfish and despicable nature and are averse to the truth. In doing their duty, they are just trying to bargain with God. They believe that since they have paid a price by forsaking things and expending themselves in their duty, God must bestow grace and blessings upon them on demand, and that this is the only fair and reasonable way; otherwise, God would not be righteous. My nature essence was just as ugly and wicked as that of an antichrist. All those years, I was able to persist in my duty despite my husband obstructing me and my relatives ridiculing me entirely for the sake of receiving greater blessings from God. I had always believed that if I expended myself for God and did my duty, He would bless and protect me, giving me a life free from worry, a life of peace in which everything went smoothly. I never imagined that an accident would happen at my husband’s construction site, and that he would be sentenced to prison because we couldn’t afford the compensation. I found this unbearable, and so I used my own forsaking and expenditures as leverage to argue with God, questioning why He hadn’t protected me, and why He had let such a great disaster befall me. I was living by satanic laws of survival like, “Never lift a finger without a reward,” “Fight for every last scrap,” and “Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost.” No matter who I interacted with, if I paid a price, I expected something in return. After I started believing in God, I naturally tried to bargain with Him as well. I believed that as long as I suffered and expended myself for God, He should bless me; otherwise, He wasn’t righteous. A true believer does their duty without making bargains or demands. It’s just like Noah, who gave his all to build the ark, persisting for one hundred and twenty years, day in and day out. He suffered and paid a price solely to complete God’s commission, never considering his personal gains or losses. But from start to finish, my belief in God was just about using Him to achieve my own goal of being blessed. I was not a true believer at all; I was trying to deceive and use God. My nature was as wicked and deceitful as that of an antichrist. I was exactly the kind of disbeliever and opportunist that God exposes. Seeing that my actions were so rebellious and had hurt God’s heart so deeply, I felt full of remorse and self-reproach. I then prayed to God again, “O God, I am so devoid of humanity and reason. My belief in You and my performance of my duty have all been attempts to bargain with You and deceive You. I have disappointed You so much! I am willing to repent. I will submit to the circumstances You set up and no longer rebel or break Your heart.”

Later, I read some of God’s words, and found a path of practice in them. Almighty God says: “In what way is treating the pursuit of blessings as an objective wrong? It flies completely in the face of the truth, and is not congruent with God’s intention to save people. Since being blessed is not an appropriate objective for people to pursue, what is an appropriate objective? The pursuit of the truth, the pursuit of changes in disposition, and being able to submit to all of God’s orchestrations and arrangements: these are the objectives that people should pursue. … When you relinquish the desire to be blessed and you walk the path of pursuing the truth, a weight is lifted off your shoulders. And will you still be capable of negativity? Even though there are still times when you are negative, you don’t let this constrain you, and in your heart, you keep praying and fighting, changing the objective of your pursuit from the pursuit of being blessed and having a destination, to the pursuit of the truth, and you think to yourself, ‘The pursuit of the truth is the duty of a created being. To understand certain truths today—there is no greater harvest, this is the greatest blessing of all. Even if God does not want me, and I do not have a good destination, and my hopes of being blessed are shattered, I shall still do my duty properly, I am obligated to. Whatever the reason, I will not allow it to impact my proper performance of my duty, I will not allow it to affect my accomplishment of God’s commission; this is the principle by which I conduct myself.’ And in this, have you not transcended the constraints of the flesh?” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only in the Practice of the Truth Is There Life Entry). After reading God’s words, I understood that to believe in God, one should pursue the truth and a change in disposition, and seek the truth and submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements in the environments He sets up. No matter if we receive blessings or encounter adversity, we must fulfill our duty. This is the correct path for a believer to walk. In the past, my heart was filled with the desire for blessings. When disaster struck, I always wanted to escape it. I was living in a state of rebellion against God, which was too agonizing and painful. Today, I have come to understand the truth. Regardless of whether I receive blessings in the future, I only wish to hold fast to my duty and properly pursue the truth and a change in my disposition. Afterward, my state became normal, and I was able to do my duty with a peaceful heart. Although my family’s difficulties still existed, I was willing to rely on God to experience them. I no longer made unreasonable demands of God, nor did I think any more about trying to escape my predicament through my own abilities. Without even realizing it, I began to see God’s guidance. During the year or so that my husband was in prison, my eldest daughter took care of her younger sister’s daily needs and studies, so I didn’t have to worry. As for the compensation, the victim’s family saw that we were truly unable to pay and didn’t pursue the matter further. I truly felt that God had been secretly helping me all along, leading me through the most difficult period of my life.

Though I went through some pain and torment over that year and a bit, I came to know my own selfish and despicable nature and the wrong path I had walked in my faith. I also gained the correct comprehension of God’s righteous disposition. I saw that everything God orchestrates and arranges is good and beneficial to my life. I have truly come to understand that encountering adversity is not a bad thing. No matter what suffering you experience, if you can understand the truth and your life can grow, that is receiving God’s blessing. Thank God!