By Shiyan, China

In April 2023, I was elected as a church leader. At the beginning, the workload wasn’t too heavy. The preacher would meet with us in person to gather to implement various tasks and arrange the work properly, and we just needed to carry it out directly. As such, our duties weren’t too stressful. I really liked this working state and felt that doing my duty like this was quite good.

In September, due to the severe CCP arrests, leaders and workers at all levels had to work in hiding, and letters became an essential way to communicate about work. Every day, we would receive work letters from upper leaders and various teams, regarding things such as watering work, gospel work, election work, text-based work, cleansing work, and so on. To improve work efficiency, after implementing each task, the upper leaders required us to report back on the implementation and progress of the work within a short period of time. At the time, I was mainly responsible for gospel work, watering work, and cleansing work. The upper leaders wrote to us asking that we quickly correct deviations in preaching the gospel, and they also fellowshipped some paths of practice. The next day, I immediately fellowshipped this to the gospel workers for implementation, and after finishing this, I reported back to the upper leaders, explaining how the existing deviations had been resolved. As for the watering work, it was necessary to summarize the notions newcomers had and how these had been fellowshipped and resolved, whether the waterers had any deviations when watering newcomers, and so on. These details all needed to be reported back to upper leaders in a timely manner, and other letters also needed to be replied to one by one. I would attend gatherings during the day and still have to reply to these letters at night, and I felt that working like this was really time-consuming and mentally exhausting, and that the pressure was enormous. Considering the dangerous situations everywhere, and that much work was communicated by letters, it was normal for there to be a lot of questions that needed replies. This was also a necessity for church work. But as soon as one task was done, new work would arrive the next day, and sometimes the letters piled up because there were too many to handle. After a while, I felt the pressure was enormous, and every day I’d hope for fewer letters to come. I’d wonder when I could stop and truly relax, instead of being on edge every day. After having these thoughts, I began to feel somewhat resistant to replying to letters and I started to respond perfunctorily, and when summarizing problems and deviations in work, I only wrote about the general work situation without specifically describing how these problems had been resolved. This caused the upper leaders to be unable to understand the specific problems in the work or grasp the work progress, and they’d have to write again for further inquiries, increasing the workload for both sides. Once, when I reported the watering work situation to the upper leaders, I mentioned that some newcomers hadn’t done their duties because they’d been busy with their jobs and had no time, and that other newcomers were progressing slowly because of there not being much time for gatherings. I only briefly described the situation of the newcomers without saying how I planned to solve these problems. As a result, the upper leaders couldn’t understand the specifics of the work and they wrote back asking me for further details. When I received the letter, I felt very resistant, “I already gave them feedback, and now they want me to give them more details? This is going to take so much thought and time!” So I didn’t want to add any further details. Immediately after, I received a letter from another team asking us to report on another task’s implementation, and I felt even more resistant, aggrieved and repressed, thinking, “This work is being followed up too closely; when can I relax a bit?” Because I was living in a wrong state, I spent my days feeling muddled and simply doing my duty on autopilot.

Later, I read a passage of God’s word: “Some people are always perfunctory and find ways to slack off while performing their duties. Sometimes, the work of the church requires haste, but they just want to do as they please. If they don’t feel very well physically, or are in a bad mood and in low spirits for a couple of days, they will be unwilling to endure hardship and pay a price to do the church work. They are particularly lazy and covetous of comfort. When they lack motivation, their bodies will become sluggish, and they will be unwilling to move, but they fear being pruned by leaders and being called lazy by their brothers and sisters, so there’s nothing they can do except reluctantly perform the work along with everyone else. They will, however, feel very unwilling, unhappy, and reluctant about this. They will feel wronged, aggrieved, stifled, and exhausted. They want to act based on their own will, but they dare not break away from or go against the requirements and stipulations of God’s house. As a result, an emotion begins to emerge within them over time—repression. Once this repressive emotion takes root in them, they will begin to gradually appear listless and weak. Like a machine, they will no longer have a clear understanding of what they are doing, but they will still do whatever they’re told to do every day, in the way that they’re told to do it. Although they will continue to carry out their tasks on the surface without stopping, without pausing, without stepping away from the environment of performing their duties, yet in their hearts they will feel repressed, and think that their lives are exhausting and full of grievances. Their current greatest desire is to one day no longer be controlled by others, to no longer be restricted by the stipulations of God’s house, and to be released from the arrangements of God’s house. They want to do whatever they want, whenever they want, doing a little work if they feel good, and not doing it if they don’t. They yearn to be free from any blame, from ever being pruned, and from anyone supervising, monitoring, or being in charge of them. They think that when that day comes, it will be a great day, and that they will feel so free and liberated. However, they are still unwilling to leave or give up; they are afraid that if they do not perform their duties, if they truly do whatever they please and are free and liberated one day, then they will naturally stray from God, and they are afraid that if God no longer wants them, they will not be able to gain any blessings. Some people find themselves in a dilemma: If they try to grumble to their brothers and sisters, they will find it hard to speak up. If they turn to God in prayer, they will feel unable to open their mouths. If they complain, they will feel that they themselves are at fault. If they do not complain, they will feel ill at ease. They wonder why their lives feel so full of grievances, so contrary to their own will, and so exhausting. They do not want to live that way, they do not want to be in unison with everyone else, they want to do whatever they want, however they want, and they wonder why they are unable to accomplish this. They used to feel they were only physically exhausted, but now their hearts feel tired too. They do not understand what is happening to them. Tell Me, is this not caused by repressive emotions? (It is.)” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (5)). After reading God’s words, I finally realized that I had been wallowing in the emotion of repression. I was exactly the kind of person God spoke of—the kind who always want to do their duty as they please, easily, and without worry. Once the church work became busy and disrupted my previous comfortable life, I’d feel repressed. Before, the workload wasn’t so heavy, and after finishing work I could relax, and doing my duty felt relatively easy and free. I really liked that working state. Later, because of the dire situation, leaders and workers couldn’t meet and fellowship with us as before, and everything had to be communicated by letter. As more and more letters went back and forth, I not only had to summarize problems and difficulties in the work, but I also had to report in detail how they had been resolved, and so on. As the workload increased and the upper leaders followed up more and more thoroughly, I began to feel resistant and wallowed in the emotion of repression, thinking that doing my duty this way was not free at all and that my flesh was too restrained. I spent my days feeling like a taut string, always wanting to stop and relax, take a break, and have more free time. Therefore, every day I hoped for fewer letters and I even felt resistant toward receiving letters in my heart. I also started to handle my duty perfunctorily, giving feedback without details and not diligently summarizing the problems in the work, and being even less willing to pay a price to seek the way to resolve them. When one of the teams asked for replies, I also felt they were pushing too hard, and I’d feel aggrieved, uncomfortable, and repressed. Each day I did my duty unwillingly and reluctantly. Only then did I realize that because I was wallowing in the emotion of repression, my performance of my duty was always passive and not conscientious. If this state went unresolved, in the long run, I would lose the work of the Holy Spirit and be spurned and eliminated by God. Moreover, as a leader, if I failed to promptly reply to letters, follow up on and implement various work, and I was always perfunctory, it would cause upper leaders to not understand the current state and progress of the work in a timely manner, and deviations in the work would not be found and corrected promptly. This would seriously delay the church’s work, and this was a consequence I could not bear. Upon realizing this, I understood that not resolving the emotion of repression is indeed very dangerous. So, I sought the truth again, wanting to resolve the emotion of repression.

I read God’s words: “What causes people’s repression? It is certainly not due to physical fatigue, so what causes it? If people constantly seek physical comfort and happiness, if they constantly pursue physical happiness and comfort, and don’t wish to suffer, then even a little bit of physical suffering, suffering a bit more than others, or feeling a bit more overworked than usual, would make them feel repressed. This is one of the causes of repression. If people do not consider a small amount of physical suffering a big deal, and they do not pursue physical comfort, but instead pursue the truth and seek to fulfill their duties in order to satisfy God, then they often will not feel physical suffering. Even if they occasionally feel a bit busy, tired, or worn out, after they go to sleep they will wake up feeling better, and then they will continue with their work. Their focus will be on their duties and their work; they won’t consider a bit of physical fatigue a significant issue. However, when a problem arises in people’s thinking and they constantly pursue physical comfort, any time that their physical bodies are slightly wronged or cannot find satisfaction, certain negative emotions will arise within them. … They often feel repressed about these matters and are unwilling to accept help from their brothers and sisters or to be supervised by leaders. If they make a mistake, they will not allow others to prune them. They do not wish to be restrained in any way. They think, ‘I believe in God so that I can find happiness, so why should I make things difficult for myself? Why should my life be so exhausting? People ought to live happily. They shouldn’t pay so much attention to these regulations and those systems. What’s the use of always abiding by them? Right now, in this moment, I am going to do whatever I want. None of you should have anything to say about that.’ This kind of person is particularly willful and dissolute: They do not allow themselves to suffer any restraint, nor do they wish to feel restrained in any work environment. They do not wish to adhere to the regulations and principles of God’s house, they are unwilling to accept the principles that people should hold to in their self-conduct, and they do not even wish to abide by what conscience and reason say that they should do. They want to do as they please, do whatever makes them happy, whatever will benefit them and make them comfortable. They believe that to live under these restraints would violate their will, that it would be a kind of self-abuse, that it would be too hard on themselves, and that people should not live like that. They think that people should live free and liberated, indulging their flesh and desires with abandon, as well as their aspirations and wishes. They think that they should indulge all of their ideas, say whatever they want, do whatever they want, and go wherever they want, without having to consider the consequences or other people’s feelings, and especially without having to consider their own responsibilities and obligations, or the duties that believers ought to perform, or the truth realities that they ought to uphold and live out, or the life path they should follow. This group of people always wants to do as they please in society and among other people, but no matter where they go, they can never obtain that. They believe that God’s house emphasizes human rights, grants people complete freedom, and that it cares about humanity, and about tolerating and forbearing with people. They think that after they come to God’s house they should be able to freely indulge in their flesh and desires, but because God’s house has administrative decrees and regulations, they still cannot do as they please. Therefore, this negative repressive emotion of theirs cannot be resolved even after they join God’s house. They do not live to fulfill any kind of responsibilities or to complete any missions, or to become a true person. Their belief in God is not to fulfill the duty of a created being, complete their mission, and attain salvation. Regardless of the people they are among, the environments they are in, or the profession they engage in, their ultimate goal is to find and gratify themselves. The aim of everything they do revolves around this, and self-gratification is their lifelong desire and the goal of their pursuit” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (5)). After reading God’s words, I understood that the reason I wallowed in the emotion of repression was that my perspective behind my pursuit was wrong. I wasn’t seeking to do my duty well to satisfy God, but rather pursuing physical pleasure and comfort. So, when the workload was heavy and there were too many details required, I complained in my heart and felt resistant toward such arrangements. I lived by the ideas and views of “Life is short, so enjoy it while you can” and “Savoring wine and enjoying music, how much time does life truly offer?” I thought there was no need to worry so much and make myself so tired in this life of mine, and that relaxation and happiness were more important than anything else. When I was in school, I didn’t like studying, as I felt that it was too restrictive. Some classmates studied hard to get into their ideal schools, using all their time for study, and striving for high grades. But I played around whenever I wanted, thinking to myself, “Why make things so hard on myself? Wouldn’t that be too bitter, too tiring, and too much pressure?” After starting work, I didn’t seek to earn more, and I was satisfied so long as I had enough to cover my food and clothing. I never put too much pressure on myself, nor did I make myself too tired, and I just relaxed as much as I could. After finding God, I still lived by these ideas and views, preferring an easy, comfortable, and relaxed life. When the workload increased and I couldn’t do as I pleased, I resisted in my heart, and even though outwardly, I was doing my duty, inside I was full of complaints, showing not a bit of submission to God. I prioritized the pursuit of physical comfort without considering at all how to fulfill my duties or carry out my responsibilities. I was doing my duty without any sincerity or loyalty, and as such, my attitude toward my duty was truly detestable to God. I thought of Noah building the ark. No matter how much physical pain he suffered, he put God’s commission first, and in the end, he completed God’s commission and received God’s approval. I, as a church leader, should fulfill the responsibility of a leader, and put God’s commission first just as Noah did. This is what accords with God’s intention and is the pursuit that a person with normal humanity should have. Moreover, God giving me the chance to train as a leader was to make me focus on seeking the truth when resolving difficulties and problems in the work, and ultimately gain the truth. But I hadn’t understood God’s intention at all or God’s painstaking thought, and I’d been wallowing in the emotion of repression. I was truly foolish! I thought about how when the leaders followed up on the watering work, they said that I only found the newcomers’ problems but didn’t solve them, so I used God’s word to fellowship about each newcomer’s problem, and gradually, the newcomers became willing to gather.

Later I sought to understand the nature of coveting comfort. I read God’s words: “In society, who are the people who do not attend to their proper work? They are idlers, fools, slackers, hooligans, ruffians, and loafers—people like that. They do not wish to learn any new skills or abilities, and they do not want to pursue serious careers or to find a job so that they can get by. They are the idlers and loafers of society. They infiltrate the church, and then they want to get something for nothing, and to obtain their share of blessings. They are opportunists. These opportunists are never willing to do their duties. If things do not go their way, even slightly, they feel repressed. They always wish to live freely, they do not want to perform any kind of work, and yet they still want to eat good food and wear nice clothing, and eat whatever they wish and sleep whenever they want. They think that when a day like this comes, it will surely be wonderful. They do not want to endure even a little bit of hardship and they wish for a life of indulgence. These people even find living exhausting; they are bound by negative emotions. They often feel tired and confused because they cannot do as they please. They do not want to attend to their proper work or to handle their proper affairs. They do not want to stick to a job and do it constantly from start to finish, treating it as their own profession and duty, as their obligation and responsibility; they do not want to do it well and achieve results, or do it to the best standard possible. They have never thought in that way. They just want to act in a perfunctory manner and to use their duty as a means to make a living. When they face a little pressure or some form of control, or when they are held to a slightly higher standard, or made to shoulder a bit of responsibility, they feel uncomfortable and repressed. These negative emotions arise within them, living feels exhausting to them, and they are miserable. One fundamental reason why living feels exhausting to them is that people like this lack reason. Their reason is impaired, they spend all day indulging in fantasies, living in a dream, in the clouds, always imagining the wildest things. That is why their repression is very difficult to resolve. They are not interested in the truth, they are disbelievers. The only thing we can do is ask them to leave God’s house, to return to the world and find their own place of ease and comfort” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (5)). “God’s house has its own rules. There are regulations, management, and appropriate systems in all aspects of work in God’s house. If you want to become a member of God’s house, you ought to strictly adhere to its regulations. You should not be brash, but learn to submit and to act in a way that everyone finds satisfactory. This aligns with the standards of conscience and reason. None of the regulations of God’s house are established for the benefit of a single person, they are established for the sake of everyone in God’s house. They are meant to safeguard the work and interests of God’s house. These regulations and systems are reasonable and if people possess conscience and reason they ought to follow them. Therefore, no matter what you are doing, in one respect, you must do it according to the regulations and systems of God’s house, and in another respect, you also have a responsibility and an obligation to uphold all of this, rather than constantly acting based on your personal interests and perspective. Isn’t that so? (Yes.) If you feel particularly repressed living and working in God’s house, it is not due to any problem with the regulations, systems, or managerial methods of God’s house, but rather a personal issue of yours. … If you feel repressed, it is because you cannot do as you please, and that means this place is not suitable for you. It is not the happy home you want to find, nor the place where you should stay. If you are living in a way that goes so much against your will, you should leave. Do you understand? God’s house never forces disbelievers or those who do not pursue the truth” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (5)). From God’s words I saw that God really detests those who don’t pursue the truth, neglect their proper duties, and just want to muddle on by in His house. Such people are unwilling to do their duties in God’s house and just want to muddle their way into an outcome in which they don’t die. No matter where they go, no one respects them, and such people are so low and have no integrity. I was like this too. When I’d see a heavy workload and pressure, I’d be unable to submit, and I’d wallow in the emotion of repression, do my duties passively, not want to suffer, and only want to muddle on by. If this continued, I would utterly ruin my integrity, and no matter where I went, I’d not earn respect, and I’d live without any integrity and dignity. In reality, the upper leaders’ close follow-up on the work was partly out of consideration for the overall work progress, and also because we have a satanic corrupt disposition, and without supervision, we will drag our feet in our work, and this will impact the church’s work progress. The upper leaders following up was them carrying out their responsibility and considering God’s intentions. Without the upper leaders following up so closely, with my attitude of doing duties while only chasing happiness, comfort and ease, there’s no knowing how much damage could have been brought upon the church’s work. Actually, I hadn’t suffered much in my duties, and I just needed to put more thought and time into the work. For example, when the newcomers were busy with work and couldn’t gather regularly, it was because they didn’t understand the significance of gathering in their faith. But after I just spent a little time finding some words of God and some experiential testimony videos, and after I clarified their notions, they became willing to gather. When brothers and sisters preaching the gospel had difficulties, I just put some thought into the matter, found some words of God, and fellowshipped my comprehension and understanding with them. In another example of this, giving feedback on work details just took a bit more time; my flesh really hadn’t suffered much, and it was all bearable. Yet I always felt that giving feedback to the upper leaders was troublesome and taxing, and I always found it to be a hassle and didn’t want to put in the effort. I saw that I cherished my flesh too much! If I didn’t pursue the truth and only wanted freedom and ease, then I’d just end up delaying the church’s work and being spurned by God. I had to repent before God and change my depraved thoughts of coveting comfort.

In June 2024, I took on responsibility for several more churches, and the workload became even greater than before. Each task involved many truth principles and details, and I felt that I was under enormous pressure. I was on edge every day and dared not relax, thinking, “When can I finally have a little more relaxation and ease? When will I no longer have so much on my mind and heart?” After thinking these things, I realized I was again trying to pursue comfort, so I prayed to God in my heart, “God, please protect my heart, so that I do not live according to satanic thoughts, and so that I can consider the church’s work more, pursue the truth, fulfill my duties, and carry out my responsibilities.” Later, I read God’s words: “Every adult must shoulder an adult’s responsibilities, regardless of how much pressure they face, such as hardships, illnesses, and even various difficulties—these are things that everyone should experience and bear. They are a part of a normal person’s life. If you cannot bear pressure or endure suffering, it means that you are too fragile and useless. Whoever lives must bear this suffering, and no one can avoid it. Whether in society or in God’s house, it is the same for everyone. This is the responsibility you should bear, the heavy burden that an adult should carry, the thing that they should shoulder, and you should not evade it. … If you possess normal humanity, you should accomplish this when working among people. As for work pressure, whether it comes from the Above or from God’s house, or if it is pressure put upon you by your brothers and sisters, it is something that you should bear. You cannot say, ‘This is too much pressure, so I won’t do it. I am just seeking leisure, ease, happiness, and comfort in doing my duty and working in God’s house.’ This will not work; it is not a thought that a normal adult should possess, and God’s house is not a place for you to indulge in comfort. Every person takes on a certain amount of pressure and risk in their life and work. In any job, especially performing your duty in God’s house, you should strive for optimal results. On a greater level, this is the teaching and demand of God. On a smaller level, it is the attitude, viewpoint, standard, and principle that every person should adopt in their self-conduct and actions. When you perform a duty in God’s house, you must learn to abide by the regulations and systems of God’s house, you must learn to comply, learn the rules, and conduct yourself in a well-behaved manner. This is an essential part of one’s self-conduct” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (5)). “If you are a person with resolve, if you can treat the responsibilities and obligations that people should bear, the things that people with normal humanity must achieve, and those things that adults must accomplish as the aims and goals of your pursuit, and if you can shoulder your responsibilities, then no matter what price you pay and what pain you endure, you will not complain, and as long as you recognize it as God’s requirements and intentions, you will be able to endure any suffering and fulfill your duty. At that time, your state of mind will be different; in your heart, you will feel peace and stability, and experience enjoyment. You see, if people can do their duties normally, shoulder God’s commission, and embark on the correct path in life, within their hearts, they feel peace and joy, and experience stability and enjoyment. If they can furthermore pursue the truth and reach the point where they act according to the principles and do their duties well, they will have undergone some changes. Such people are those who possess conscience and reason; they are upright people who can overcome any difficulty and shoulder any task. They are the good soldiers of Christ, they have gone through training, and no difficulty can defeat them” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (5)). From God’s words, I came to understand that a person with normal humanity and with conscience and reason should have the resolve to bear various hardships and pressures, and that if a person always pursues comfort and ease, then they are unworthy of being called a human. Just as God said: “God’s house is not a place for you to indulge in comfort.” I had to consider the church’s work and how to fulfill my duty. No matter how many tasks there were, or how heavy the workload was, I must accept these things from my heart. God setting up such a situation was also to allow me to grow because I lacked so much. Through various hardships, God enabled me to learn to rely on God, seek the truth, and use the truth to resolve problems. God was giving me a chance to train, and I should shoulder this duty and cooperate with my co-workers to seek the truth together and fulfill our duties. After my perspective shifted, I no longer wallowed in the emotion of repression so often. Later, when I was doing my duty, although every day was busier and there were more things to do, my attitude toward my duty had changed. When it was necessary to give detailed feedback on the work, I was no longer unwilling to expend effort and I no longer found it troublesome, and I could ponder more on how to solve problems, and how to enable brothers and sisters to do their duties with a clear way forward. After a period of cooperation, thanks to the help of the upper leaders and co-workers, who fellowshipped principles to me, I gained a lot, and I gained somewhat of a grasp on the principles regarding the performance of my duties. By doing my duties in this way, I came to feel peace and ease in my heart. Thank God!