By Li Jing, China

Since childhood, I’ve been introverted and reluctant to interact with people. When there were many people around, I would get nervous and not dare to speak, fearing that I would say something wrong and be looked down upon. I remember when I was in middle school, the teacher asked me to answer a question in class. I knew the answer, but as soon as I stood up, I felt like everyone’s eyes were on me, and my mind instantly went blank, and I started stumbling over my words and didn’t know what to say. I was so embarrassed, and I wished I could just crawl into a hole. After I started working, I wanted to perform well when our superiors came to inspect our work, but when I saw them, I got so nervous that I couldn’t even operate the machine, and I’d just get all flustered. I hated myself, thinking, “Why am I so useless?” After finding God, when I gathered with the brothers and sisters, I gained some understanding and knowledge after reading God’s words, but I was afraid of embarrassing myself if my fellowship was bad, so I’d just fellowship a few words and then have nothing more to say. After some time, I became more familiar with some of the sisters, so I was less nervous when speaking, and able to do some duties to the best of my ability.

In 2017, I was elected as a church leader. I thought, “I’ll be in contact with many people as a leader. I’ll need to handle various church tasks, and I’ll have to fellowship the truth to resolve issues. But I get nervous whenever I meet people, so if I can’t even form a sentence, won’t the brothers and sisters laugh themselves senseless at me? No, I can’t be a leader.” I wanted to shirk this duty. The sisters fellowshipped God’s words to help me, and I reluctantly accepted this duty. One time, I went to a gathering with my partner, and as soon as I saw the brothers and sisters, I became so nervous that I didn’t know what to say. But my partner wasn’t nervous at all, and the words of God she found to resolve the problems were closely related to the brothers’ and sisters’ states. I felt so envious, and I hated myself, thinking, “Why can’t I speak or explain things properly? I couldn’t even fellowship on the little that I did understand, so what would the brothers and sisters think of me?” I felt really inferior, beneath others, and unable to hold my head up. When I got home, I equipped myself with more of God’s words, and I wanted to solve the brothers’ and sisters’ problems like my partner had. However, when it was time for a gathering, as soon as I saw the brothers and sisters, my heart would race, and I’d become so nervous that my mind would go blank, and my mouth just wouldn’t work properly. I’d just say disconnected words here and there, and in the end, I didn’t fellowship anything clearly. On another occasion, I saw that Sister Wang Ke was in a bad state, so I tried to fellowship God’s words with her, but because I was nervous, I couldn’t fellowship clearly. I was afraid she would look down on me, so afterward, I didn’t dare go back, and I asked the group leader to go and fellowship with her. Little by little, I felt less and less capable, and I didn’t want to go to gatherings and engage with people. So I stayed home responding to letters or doing some general affairs tasks, and when there were tasks that needed timely fellowship and implementation, I didn’t see to them, and I’d wait for my partner to go instead, which ended up delaying the church’s work. I was living in a negative state, feeling really pained and repressed. My work didn’t yield any results, and in the end, I was dismissed for not doing actual work. After being dismissed, I often hated myself, thinking, “Why am I so useless? I’m truly beyond hopeless! Both preaching the gospel and watering newcomers require interacting with people and fellowshipping the truth. People like me can never fulfill these duties. It’s better for me to just do general affairs duties; then I won’t have to interact with so many people, and there won’t be as much pressure on me.” Later, the church arranged for me to do some technical duties, and I didn’t pay attention to resolving this state.

In January 2024, I was elected to be a watering deacon again. When I heard the news, I was filled with dread, thinking, “I’m not good with words, and I get nervous around people, and I can’t even clearly fellowship the little bit I do understand. What will the newcomers think of me if I can’t resolve their problems? If the brothers and sisters find out, they’ll laugh at me and say I can’t do any duties well. Won’t that be even more humiliating?” But I knew how this duty coming upon me was God elevating me, and I couldn’t shirk it. The leader also fellowshipped with me, saying that when a duty comes, God is watching our attitude, seeing whether we would have any submission and whether we can do it with all our heart and strength. That’s what’s most important. This helped me understand God’s intention a little bit, and I accepted this duty. But one time, the leader asked me to water two college students. I immediately became nervous and thought, “I can’t even speak clearly—what will I do if I don’t fellowship the truth well? What will the newcomers think of me?” Once again, I wanted to shirk this duty, but I also felt guilty, so I prayed to God, “God, I’m clumsy with words and I’m always afraid of what others will think of me if I don’t fellowship well. I feel so nervous inside. Please guide me to face my deficiencies correctly.”

During one of my devotionals, I read God’s words. “If you want to avoid doing foolish or stupid things, you must first understand your own conditions: What your caliber is like, what your strengths are, what you are good at, and what you are not good at, as well as what things you can and cannot do based on your age, gender, the knowledge you possess, and your insights and life experience. That is, you should be clear about what your strong points and weaknesses are in the duty you perform and the work you do, and what the deficiencies and merits of your own personality are. Once you are clear on your own conditions, merits, and shortcomings, you should then look at which merits and strong points should be maintained, which shortcomings and flaws can be overcome, and which ones cannot be overcome at all—you must be clear about these things. … There are some problems that cannot be resolved by people. For example, you may be prone to becoming nervous when speaking to others; when you are faced with situations, you may have your own ideas and viewpoints but cannot articulate them clearly. You feel particularly nervous when many people are present; you speak incoherently and your mouth trembles. Some people even stutter; for others, if there are members of the opposite sex present, they are even less intelligible, simply not knowing what to say or what to do. Is this easy to overcome? (No.) At least in the short term, it’s not easy for you to overcome this flaw because it’s part of your innate conditions. … Your stage fright, your nervousness and fear—these manifestations do not reflect your corrupt disposition; whether they are innate or caused by the environment later in life, at most, they are a defect, a flaw of your humanity. If you cannot change it in the long term, or even in your lifetime, do not dwell on it, do not let it constrain you, nor should you become negative because of it, for this is not your corrupt disposition; there is no use in trying to change it or struggle against it. If you cannot change it, then accept it, let it exist, and treat it correctly, because you can coexist with this defect, this flaw—your having it does not affect your following God and doing your duties. As long as you can accept the truth and do your duties to the best of your abilities, you can still be saved; it does not affect your acceptance of the truth and does not affect your attaining salvation. Therefore, you should not often be constrained by a certain defect or flaw in your humanity, nor should you often become negative and discouraged, or even give up your duty and give up pursuing the truth, missing the chance to be saved, for the same reason. It’s totally not worth it; that is what a foolish, ignorant person would do” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). “Everyone has flaws and defects. You should allow your flaws and defects to coexist with yourself; do not avoid them or cover them up, and do not often feel repressed inside or even always feel inferior because of them. You are not inferior; if you can do your duty with all your heart, all your strength, and all your mind, to the best of your ability, and you have a sincere heart, then you are as precious as gold before God. If you cannot pay a price and lack loyalty in doing your duty, then even if your innate conditions are better than those of the average person, you are not precious before God, you are not even worth a grain of sand” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). After reading God’s words, I gained mental clarity. I realized that my nervousness, anxiety, and fear of speaking around people was an innate defect in my humanity. God says that defects in one’s humanity are not corrupt dispositions. If a person can’t change these things, they have to just accept and coexist with them instead of struggling against or insisting on changing them. Even if they can’t overcome them, these things don’t affect their ability to believe in God or do their duties. So long as they pursue the truth, they can be saved all the same. I didn’t understand God’s intention before. When I saw other brothers and sisters express themselves clearly and speak without nervousness, I would wallow in a state of negativity and inferiority, passing a verdict on myself as being utterly worthless. When I was doing the duty of a leader, I went with my partner to hold a gathering for the brothers and sisters, and I got so nervous when I met them that I didn’t dare fellowship. But my partner didn’t have any stage fright. She spoke fluently and fellowshipped the truth clearly. I was so envious. When I got home, I worked hard to equip myself with the truth. I wanted to fellowship like my partner so the brothers and sisters wouldn’t look down on me. But when I met with them again, I was still so nervous that I couldn’t speak coherently or fellowship anything. Sister Wang Ke was in a bad state, and I wanted to help her, but as I was nervous, I didn’t fellowship about the truth clearly, and the sister’s state was not resolved. I didn’t dare to fellowship with her later on either. After failing several times, I started to dread gatherings. Whenever it came to fellowshipping about the truth with brothers and sisters to resolve problems, I’d shift the responsibility onto my partner, and I would just do some general affairs work. Eventually, I was dismissed because I wasn’t doing actual work. This time, when watering newcomers, I was again afraid that I’d get so nervous when meeting them that I’d be unable to speak, and that my inability to fellowship well would make others look down on me, so I wanted to shirk my duty and become a deserter. I wasn’t able to treat my defect in the correct way, and I kept wallowing in a negative state, shirking my duty time and again. I realized that my failure to correct my fallacious views kept me in a negative state and prevented me from fulfilling my duties. I was truly foolish and ignorant! Now I understood that everyone has defects and flaws, and that no one is perfect. God doesn’t look at a person’s innate conditions; He looks at whether they’re loyal in their duty, and whether they can try every means to do their duty well. Such a person has a heart of sincerity toward God, and in God’s eyes, they are as precious as gold. Some people have good innate conditions and are eloquent, but they don’t pursue the truth and are not loyal in their duties. Such a person is as worthless as sand in God’s eyes. God had elevated me to do the duty of watering newcomers in the church. I couldn’t be constrained by my innate conditions and keep shirking or rejecting this duty. I had to quickly turn back to God.

After reading God’s words, I was able to treat my defects correctly, but whenever it came to interacting with people, I always feared what they would think of me if I didn’t speak well. During my devotionals, I read a passage of God’s words, which gave me some understanding of the root of my issues. Almighty God says: “Antichrists’ cherishment of their reputation and status goes beyond that of normal people, and is something within their disposition essence; it is not a temporary interest, or the transient effect of their surroundings—it is something within their life, their bones, and so it is their essence. This is to say that in everything antichrists do, their first consideration is their own reputation and status, nothing else. For antichrists, reputation and status are their life, and their lifelong goal. In all they do, their first consideration is: ‘What will happen to my status? And to my reputation? Will doing this give me a good reputation? Will it elevate my status in people’s minds?’ That is the first thing they think about, which is ample proof that they have the disposition and essence of antichrists; that is why they consider things this way. It can be said that for antichrists, reputation and status are not some additional requirement, much less things which are external to them that they could do without. They are part of the nature of antichrists, they are in their bones, in their blood, they are innate to them. Antichrists are not indifferent toward whether they possess reputation and status; this is not their attitude. Then, what is their attitude? Reputation and status are intimately connected to their daily lives, to their daily state, to what they pursue on a daily basis. And so for antichrists, status and reputation are their life. No matter how they live, no matter what environment they live in, no matter what work they do, no matter what they pursue, what their goals are, what their life’s direction is, it all revolves around having a good reputation and a high status. And this aim does not change; they can never put aside such things. This is the true face of antichrists, and their essence” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). I saw that God exposes how, no matter the situation, antichrists focus on their status in people’s hearts, placing their reputation and status above all else. This is the nature essence of antichrists. The disposition I was revealing was the same as an antichrist’s. No matter the situation, I’d prioritize my pride and status, caring deeply about how others viewed and evaluated me. When I was in school, I didn’t dare to speak in class, fearing my classmates would laugh at me if I made a mistake, and when working, I would get nervous around my superiors, to the point that I couldn’t even operate the machines. After finding God, no matter who I gathered with, I was afraid that not fellowshipping well would make them look down on me. When I saw my partner fellowshipping the truth clearly, I felt really envious, and when I couldn’t reach her level, I felt inferior and negative. Because I was constrained by my pride, I even pushed the work I should have done onto my partner, and only did some general affairs work myself. Not only was I not fulfilling my responsibilities, but I was also delaying the church’s work and the life entry of the brothers and sisters. And before, when the leader arranged for me to water two newcomers, as soon as I heard they were college students, my first thought was that I would be looked down upon if I didn’t fellowship well, so I wanted to shirk this duty. I was influenced and controlled by Satan’s poisons of “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark” and “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies.” At every turn, I tried to protect my personal reputation and status, and when I couldn’t do this, I’d wallow in pain and be unable to muster the energy to do anything, unable to fulfill my duties and responsibilities. The opportunity God gave me to do my duties was so I could do them wholeheartedly, but I wasn’t thinking about how I could do my duties well to satisfy God, and I didn’t consider God’s intention. In what way was I believing in God and doing my duties? I placed my interests above my duties. Where was my conscience or reason in that? If I continued to cling to my reputation and status, I would eventually lose the opportunity to do my duties, and I’d be spurned and eliminated by God. I thanked God for the guidance and enlightenment of His word, which allowed me to know the seriousness of this issue. I became willing to repent and change, to no longer be constrained by my pride, and to be able to accept and submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements.

Later, I read more of God’s words. “Pursuing the truth is the most important thing, no matter from which perspective you view it. You can avoid the defects and deficiencies of humanity, but you can never evade the path of pursuing the truth. Regardless of how perfect or noble your humanity may be, or whether you may have fewer flaws and defects, and possess more strengths, than other people, this does not signify that you understand the truth, nor can it replace your pursuit of the truth. On the contrary, if you pursue the truth, understand a lot of the truth, and have an adequately deep and practical understanding of it, this will make up for many defects and problems in your humanity. For example, say that you are timid and introverted, you have a stutter, and you’re not very well-educated—that is, you have a lot of defects and inadequacies—but you have practical experience, and though you stutter when you talk, you can fellowship the truth clearly, and this fellowship edifies everybody when they hear it, resolves problems, enables people to emerge from negativity, and dispels their complaints and misunderstandings about God. See, though you stammer out your words, they can resolve problems—how important these words are! When laymen hear them, they say that you are an uneducated person, and you don’t follow grammar rules when you speak, and sometimes the words you use aren’t really fitting either. It may be that you use regional lingo, or everyday language, and that your words lack the class and style of those of highly educated people who speak very eloquently. However, your fellowship contains the truth reality, it can resolve people’s difficulties, and after people hear it, all the dark clouds around them disappear, and all their problems are solved. You see, isn’t understanding the truth important? (It is.) … No matter how many defects and flaws there are in your humanity, if the words you speak contain the truth reality, then your fellowship can resolve problems; if the words you speak are doctrines, and they are devoid of the slightest bit of practical knowledge, then no matter how much you talk, you will not be able to resolve people’s real problems. No matter how people view you, as long as the things you say do not accord with the truth, and they cannot address people’s states, or resolve people’s difficulties, then people will not want to listen to them. So, which is more important: the truth or people’s own conditions? (The truth is more important.) Pursuing the truth and understanding the truth are the most important things” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). From God’s words, I understood that having defects is not an issue, and that pursuing the truth is the most important thing, because pursuing the truth can help people resolve all problems and difficulties. So long as I pursue the truth, do my duties according to principles, and I can fellowship the truth to resolve issues, I can make up for the defects in my humanity. Though some people are naturally good at speaking and never feel nervous meeting others, this doesn’t mean they understand the truth or can do their duties well. I thought of a gospel work supervisor. She was eloquent, and never felt nervous in any situation. Although she had gifts and caliber, she didn’t pursue the truth, and she’d just speak words and doctrines, which couldn’t resolve the brothers’ and sisters’ issues. She also did things that disrupted and disturbed the church work, and had no sense of repentance, and in the end, she was cleared out by the church. I saw that no matter how eloquent someone is, if they don’t pursue the truth and lack truth realities, they will eventually be eliminated. Although I wasn’t good at speaking, when I had the right intentions and sincerely prayed and relied on God, I too could receive His guidance, and I could fellowship to solve some of the brothers’ and sisters’ problems. I couldn’t be constrained by my lack of eloquence any longer. God’s words showed me a path of practice. I should focus on seeking God’s intentions in the people, events, and things that come my way each day, train to practice according to God’s requirements, and focus on entering the truth reality. When doing my duties, I should train in fellowshipping based on my actual experiences, and focus on how to fellowship in a way that could resolve the problems of newcomers. If there was something I didn’t understand, I should seek the help of my brothers and sisters who did understand and strive to fulfill my duties. After understanding these, when I went to gather with the two newcomers, I equipped myself with the truth in advance and prepared well, and though I was still a bit nervous, I prayed to and relied on God, and could also fellowship some light and ways of practice and resolved some of the newcomers’ issues. If there were issues I didn’t solve during the gathering, I would pray and seek after getting home, or I’d communicate with the supervisor, and the next time I met with the newcomers, I would fellowship with them again. I was also able to achieve some results in my duties by practicing this way.

Not long after, a newcomer was being constrained by her family and couldn’t gather regularly. The leader asked me to go and check on her, saying that prior waterers had fellowshipped and helped her, but she was still constrained by her family. I began to worry again, thinking, “What if I can’t fellowship clearly, and can’t resolve her problem, and she remains constrained by her family? That would be so embarrassing!” I realized that I was once again thinking about my pride and status. Resolving this sister’s state was my duty, and I should do my best to fellowship as much as I understood. I read God’s words. “If you only ever do things for others to see, and always want to gain others’ praise and admiration, and you do not accept God’s scrutiny, then is God still in your heart? Such people have no God-fearing hearts. Do not always do things for your own sake and do not constantly consider your own interests; do not consider the interests of man, and give no thought to your own pride, reputation, and status. You must first consider the interests of God’s house, and make them your priority. You should be considerate of God’s intentions and begin by contemplating whether or not there have been impurities in the performance of your duty, whether you have been loyal, fulfilled your responsibilities, and given it your all, as well as whether or not you have been wholeheartedly thinking about your duty and the work of the church. You must consider these things. If you think about them frequently and figure them out, it will be easier for you to perform your duty well” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). I should have a God-fearing heart. I shouldn’t consider my pride or focus on what others thought of me, but instead, I should fulfill my responsibility, sincerely look into the difficulties and issues of the newcomer, prepare relevant God’s words, experiential articles and videos in advance, and ponder about which of my own experiences I could share with the newcomer to help her, so she could quickly establish a foundation in the true way. These were the things I should do. After understanding these, when meeting the newcomer again, although I still felt nervous, I prayed to and relied on God, and if my fellowship wasn’t clear the first time, I’d look for more God’s words to fellowship with her the next time, and eventually, she was able to attend gatherings regularly, no longer constrained by her family, and she even started to practice writing experiential testimony articles. I was so grateful to God. It is all thanks to God’s guidance that I could achieve these results in my duty.