By Shen An, China

In August 2022, I was responsible for church work together with two sisters. At that time, the workload wasn’t heavy, and when we encountered problems or difficulties, we’d fellowship and discuss them together and could resolve these things quickly. Outside of doing our duties, I could also watch films and videos produced by God’s house. I quite liked that working state. There wasn’t too much pressure, and I felt that doing my duty this way was pretty good. In December, I was elected as a preacher. After taking up this job, every day I had to not only follow up on and implement all aspects of the work, but also reply to letters from brothers and sisters asking questions, and when problems or deviations came up, I had to fellowship and resolve them promptly. Every day was very busy. I thought to myself, “I still have many shortcomings and deficiencies, and lack much truth reality. How much effort and concern will it take for me to fulfill this duty? Won’t that leave me with no time to rest and relax at all?” Thinking of these things made me feel repressed, and I even stopped wanting to do this duty. But then I thought about how every item of work was in need of people. I’d believed in God for years, and if I avoided my duties just because I saw that they were busy and involved hardship and fatigue, my conscience wouldn’t be at peace. So I submitted and proactively followed up on and implemented all aspects of the work.

In June 2023, Xincheng Church, which I was responsible for, was hit by a wave of CCP arrests, and all the waterers and text-based workers were arrested. I was busy handling the aftermath, reselecting church leaders and choosing personnel for various tasks. I also had to do things like look into the states and difficulties of the brothers and sisters. When brothers and sisters encountered problems or difficulties in their duties, I also had to seek the truth principles and fellowship to resolve them. There were many detailed tasks every day, and I was constantly concerned and exhausted, staying up late to resolve problems. I thought to myself, “I’m so busy like this every day—when will it ever end?” I felt deeply repressed, and felt that this duty was not easy at all. Later, through prayer and actual cooperation, we reelected church leaders and deacons, and church work gradually returned to normal. In December, Xincheng Church was hit by another wave of major arrests. Because of a Judas’ betrayal, the books of God’s words stored in the church needed to be transferred urgently. I quickly handled the aftermath, and I arranged and carried out the transfer of the books. Just as the matter with the books was resolved, I thought that after all the concern and fatigue of this period, my tense heart could finally relax a bit. But I didn’t expect that the next day, I received an urgent letter from Muguang Church. It said this church had also been hit by arrests from the CCP and that many books needed to be transferred. Seeing this situation, I knew the workload would be heavy. I had to not only find a safe storehouse, but also make detailed deployment arrangements. Every step had to be thoroughly considered to avoid any accidents. Just thinking about having to worry and exhaust myself again made me feel a bit down, and I just hoped things would calm down soon so I could get a bit of relief. Due to the CCP’s arrests, many newcomers at Muguang Church weren’t gathering regularly and needed timely watering and support. The upper leaders were following up on this work closely and also urged me to make a plan. I felt very resistant, thinking, “The situation here is dire and the books need to be transferred urgently, yet the leaders are not easing up on their follow-ups at all. Do they think I can do everything at once? The pressure of this work is way too much!” I thought about how the workload wasn’t that heavy when I was a church leader before. The work was shared among the three of us leaders, and I didn’t feel much pressure. After we were finished with work, I’d still have time to rest and relax. Since becoming a preacher, I had been facing endless work every day. So I felt very resistant and didn’t want to keep doing this duty. In those few days, though I followed up on various items of the work, I was very passive. I followed up perfunctorily with the newcomers who needed watering and support. I realized this state of mine wasn’t right, that the books of God’s words were in danger, and that handling the aftermath was a major matter. I knew I shouldn’t resist this duty or rebel against God like this, so I prayed, expressing my willingness to rely on God to do a good job in this aftermath work. After more than twenty days of cooperation, all the books were safely transferred.

Afterward, I reflected on myself. Why was it that every time I was in a situation that required me to suffer, these emotions of repression emerged? I’d never resolved this problem, so I prayed and sought. One day, in an experiential testimony video I watched, there was a passage of God’s words quoted that really spoke to my state. Almighty God says: “Some people say, ‘Everyone says that believers are free and liberated, that believers live particularly happy, peaceful, and joyous lives. Why can’t I live as happily and peacefully as others? Why don’t I feel any joy? Why do I feel so repressed and exhausted? How come other people live such happy lives? Why is my life so miserable?’ Tell Me, what is the cause of this? What brought about their repression? (Their physical bodies were not satisfied and their flesh suffered.) Was it brought about because their physical bodies suffered and they felt that a wrong had been done to their bodies? If they’re willing in their hearts to suffer for the sake of pursuing the truth and fulfilling their duty, won’t they feel that their physical suffering is no longer so great? If they find comfort, peace, and joy in their hearts, will they still feel repressed? (No.) Therefore, saying that repression is caused by physical suffering is invalid. If it is the case that repression arises due to excessive physical suffering, then, considering that you all are also suffering a bit in doing your duty now, do you feel repressed because you cannot do as you please? Do you get trapped in repressive emotions because you cannot do as you please? (No.) Are you busy in your daily work? (Somewhat busy.) You are all rather busy, working from dawn to dusk. Besides sleeping and eating, you spend almost your entire day in front of a computer, tiring your eyes and brain, and exhausting your body, but do you feel repressed? Will this tiredness bring about repression in you? (No.) What causes people’s repression? It is certainly not due to physical fatigue, so what causes it? If people constantly pursue physical happiness and comfort, and don’t wish to suffer, then even a little bit of physical suffering and extra exhaustion, or suffering a bit more than others, would make them feel repressed. This is one of the causes of repression. If people do not consider a small amount of physical suffering a big deal, and they do not pursue physical comfort, but instead pursue the truth and seek to fulfill their duties in order to satisfy God, then they often will not feel physical suffering. Even if they sometimes feel a bit busy, tired, or worn out, after they get some sleep and wake up feeling reinvigorated, they will continue with their work. Their focus will be on their duties and their work; they won’t consider a bit of physical fatigue a significant issue. However, when a problem arises in people’s thinking and they constantly pursue physical comfort, any time that their physical bodies are slightly wronged or cannot find satisfaction, certain negative emotions will arise within them. So, why will this kind of person, who always wants to do as they please and to indulge their flesh and enjoy life, often find themselves trapped in this negative emotion of repression whenever they are unsatisfied? (It is because they pursue comfort and physical enjoyment.) That is true for some people” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (5)). After reading God’s words, I understood that feeling repressed when the pressure of doing a duty increases actually comes from a problem in one’s thinking—it’s caused by having the wrong perspective behind one’s pursuit. I was in exactly the state exposed by God, and what I pursued was fleshly comfort and enjoyment. I always wanted to do my duty easily and without tiring my flesh too much, so when the work was stressful and busy, and I couldn’t do things as I pleased, I wallowed in the emotions of repression. After becoming a preacher, my workload increased, I had to reply to letters and resolve problems that came up in the work each day, and there was no more time for relaxation or leisure. So I felt repressed, and I even wanted to stop doing this duty. When Xincheng Church was hit by a wave of major arrests, most people doing duties were arrested, and the aftermath had to be handled. Church leaders had to be reelected, and people had to be chosen to do all kinds of duties. Because there was so much work and my flesh couldn’t be at ease, I felt wronged, and I did my duty perfunctorily. A few months later, because of a Judas’ betrayal, the books of God’s words at Xincheng Church had to be transferred. I had thought I could relax a bit after finishing that task, but then Muguang Church was also hit by a wave of arrests. Seeing how much aftermath work needed to be done and how I’d have to suffer and concern myself again, I started to complain inwardly, wondering when things would calm down so I could finally relax a little. When the upper leaders reminded me to make a plan for watering the newcomers, I felt resistant and wronged. I even had the thought of not wanting to do this duty anymore. In my duty, I always sought a way out for the comfort of my flesh, and when my flesh couldn’t find satisfaction, I just wanted to run away. What I revealed was all rebelliousness. I wallowed in the emotions of repression when faced with situations and work pressure, and this was all caused by my constant pursuit of fleshly comfort. God says: “If people do not consider a small amount of physical suffering a big deal, and they do not pursue physical comfort, but instead pursue the truth and seek to fulfill their duties in order to satisfy God, then they often will not feel physical suffering.” Those who pursue the truth will think about how to do their duty in a way that satisfies God, and even if their flesh suffers, they don’t feel that this is painful. This is because they have hearts that are considerate of God’s intentions. But when I saw the churches repeatedly hit by arrests from the CCP, I didn’t think about how to safeguard the interests of the church or how to water and support the newcomers well. Instead, I considered my flesh, and whenever I suffered a little or got slightly tired, I would complain and cry out about the hardship. I felt wronged, resistant, and full of complaints, and I even wanted to escape. I was truly rebellious!

I then read another passage of God’s words: “In society, who are the people who do not attend to their proper work? They are idlers, fools, slackers, hooligans, ruffians, and loafers—people like that. They do not wish to learn any skills or abilities, and they do not want to engage in serious careers or find work that can enable them to make ends meet, wanting only instead to loaf around and muddle through their days. They are the idlers and loafers of society. They infiltrate the church, and they still want to reap without sowing and enjoy life, and want to gain blessings. Such people are opportunists. These opportunists are never willing to do their duties. If things do not go their way, even slightly, they feel repressed. They always wish to live freely; they do not want to perform any kind of work, and yet they still want to eat good food and wear nice clothing, and eat whatever they wish and sleep whenever they want. They do not want to endure even a little bit of hardship and they just wish for a life of indulgence. These people even find living exhausting; they are bound by negative emotions. They often feel tired and confused because they cannot do as they please. They do not want to attend to proper work or to handle proper affairs; they do not want to stick to a job and do it constantly from start to finish, treating it as the work that falls to them and their own duty, as their obligation and responsibility, and they do not want to do it well and produce results, achieving the best possible effectiveness—they have never thought in that way. They just want to act in a perfunctory manner and to use their duty as a means to make a living. When they face a little bit of regulation or pressure, or when they’re asked to shoulder some responsibility or are held to a slightly higher standard, they become uncomfortable, and they feel repressed—this negative emotion arises within them. They feel that living in the environment of church life is agonizing and repressive. One fundamental reason for this is that people like this don’t accept the truth, they just want to do whatever they please, they do not have normal humanity, and their reason is impaired. They spend all day indulging in fantasies, living in a dream, in the clouds, always imagining the wildest things. That is why their repression is very difficult to resolve. They are not interested in the truth, they are disbelievers. The only thing we can do is ask them to leave God’s house, to return to the world and find their own place of ease and comfort” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (5)). As I pondered God’s words, I felt pierced and distressed. Those who always pursue comfort in their duties, and who fall into the negative emotions of repression from just a little suffering are, in God’s eyes, people who don’t attend to their proper work. They are opportunists who have infiltrated God’s house. God exalted me to do the duty of a preacher—this was God’s grace, and I should have fulfilled my responsibility and handled the church work well. But when the workload increased and I had fewer chances to enjoy comfort, I felt that this duty was too hard and repressive and I wanted an easier duty. When the churches were hit by arrests from the CCP and aftermath work needed to be done, and there were more and more tiring things to worry about, I felt repressed and pained. Especially when the upper leaders closely followed up on my work, I wasn’t thinking about how to do the work of watering newcomers well in this harsh situation, but instead resisting inwardly. I even longed for the easy and comfortable life I’d had as a church leader before, and I became negative and passive in my duty. I thought about those loafers and idlers in society. They never think about proper things, but just go around scamming for food and drink and wasting their days. People like that live without integrity, dignity, or any goal in life, and they are the lowliest people. In my duty, I always pursued fleshly comfort, made no effort to improve, and didn’t attend to my proper work. I even felt resistant when the upper leaders followed up on my work. I didn’t reflect on myself even when I delayed the watering and support of newcomers, and I kept living in the emotions of repression, wanting to escape my duty. Wasn’t I just the same as those loafers and idlers? I had absolutely no sense of responsibility in my duty. Thinking about it, even though doing the duty of a preacher was a bit hard and tiring, I encountered many people, events, and things every day, which gave me many chances to train. By fellowshipping to resolve various problems and seeking relevant principles, I could make up for what I lack, allowing me to gradually come to understand and grasp the various principles of the work to some extent, improve my work capabilities, and learn how to prioritize and handle special situations. All of this is God’s grace, and none of it could be gained in a comfortable environment. But I didn’t cherish this. I kept complaining that being responsible for more work meant having to worry more, and I felt that this was too busy and tiring, and that I couldn’t do as I pleased. So, I wallowed in negative emotions and felt repressed. At this crucial moment when the church was suffering arrests and persecution and its interests were being harmed, I showed no consideration for God’s intentions at all, and I only thought about the comfort of my flesh. I was utterly selfish and lacking in humanity! God says: “They are not interested in the truth, they are disbelievers. The only thing we can do is ask them to leave God’s house, to return to the world and find their own place of ease and comfort.” When I saw that God characterizes such people as disbelievers, I felt afraid, and felt that if I kept going on like this, sooner or later I would be eliminated by God. So I prayed, “God, I’ve been so lacking in humanity and haven’t attended to my proper work in my duty. I don’t want to go on like this. Please guide me to be someone who attends to their proper work and fulfills their duty.”

After that, I read another passage of God’s words: “Until people have experienced God’s work and understood the truth, it is Satan’s nature that takes charge and dominates them from within. What, specifically, does that nature entail? For example, why are you selfish? Why do you protect your own position? Why do you have such strong feelings? Why do you enjoy those unrighteous things? Why do you like those evils? What is the basis for your fondness for such things? Where do these things come from? Why are you so happy to accept them? By now, you have all come to understand that the main reason behind all these things is that Satan’s poison is within man. So what is Satan’s poison? How can it be expressed? For example, if you ask, ‘How should people live? What should people live for?’ people will answer, ‘Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost.’ This single phrase expresses the very root of the problem. Satan’s philosophy and logic have become people’s lives. No matter what people pursue, they do so for themselves—and so they live only for themselves. ‘Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost’—this is the life philosophy of man, and it also represents human nature. These words have already become the nature of corrupt mankind and they are the true portrait of corrupt mankind’s satanic nature. This satanic nature has already become the basis for corrupt mankind’s existence. For several thousand years, corrupt mankind has lived by this venom of Satan, right up to the present day” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Walk the Path of Peter). “Today, you do not believe the words I say, and you pay no attention to them; when the day comes for this work to spread and you see the entirety of it, you will regret, and at that time you will be dumbfounded. There are blessings, yet you do not know to enjoy them, and there is the truth, yet you do not pursue it. Do you not bring trouble upon yourself? Today, although the next step of God’s work has yet to begin, there is nothing additional about the demands that are made of you and what you are asked to live out. There is so much work, and so many truths; are they not worthy of being known by you? Is chastisement and judgment incapable of awakening your spirit? Is chastisement and judgment incapable of making you hate yourself? Are you content to live under the influence of Satan, with peace and joy, and a little fleshly comfort? Are you not the lowliest of all people? None are more foolish than those who have beheld salvation but do not pursue to gain it; these are people who indulge in the flesh and enjoy Satan. You hope that your faith in God will not entail any challenges or tribulations, or the slightest hardship. You always pursue those things that are worthless, and you attach no value to life, instead putting your own extravagant thoughts before the truth. You are so worthless!” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Experiences of Peter: His Knowledge of Chastisement and Judgment). As I pondered God’s words, I realized that I was living by satanic poisons like “Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost” and “Life is short, so enjoy it while you can.” I thought fleshly comfort was a blessing, and that suffering in the flesh meant mistreating myself. I believed that trying to live a better life was human nature. Under the control of sayings like “Treat yourself well, for life is short,” I lived entirely for the comfort of the flesh. Back in middle school, while other students worked hard to get into the top class, I felt that studying hard would mean burning the midnight oil, and that this would be too tiring, so I was content as long as my grades in the regular class were average and weren’t the worst. After getting married, we weren’t well-off, and I thought I’d do some business and earn what I could, and just live however I pleased, freely and leisurely. After finding God, I knew that doing one’s duty and pursuing the truth is the right path in life, and that to gain the truth, one must suffer and pay a price. But when my duty required me to take on more burdens, and I thought about how doing the work well would mean more suffering and no more ease and comfort, I felt repressed and despondent. Especially when the workload increased, I wanted to escape, and I was unwilling to put in more thought and suffer to handle the aftermath. The CCP was frantically hunting God’s chosen people, and the newcomers, timid and weak, urgently needed watering and support. The upper leaders closely following up on this work was them being responsible for the lives of newcomers, but when I had to suffer and pay a price, I resisted inwardly, and didn’t take the watering work seriously. As a result, newcomers didn’t get timely watering and their lives suffered losses. Right now is a critical time for spreading the gospel, and brothers and sisters are all straining every nerve to do their duties. Some of them, in war-torn environments, risk their lives to persist in preaching the gospel. No matter how hard or tiring things get, or how much pressure they face, they never retreat or give up. Instead, they do everything they can to preach the gospel to more people. That is what it means to consider God’s intentions and have humanity. As a preacher, when faced with dangerous situations, protecting the books of God’s words and watering and supporting newcomers are all my rightful duties. But I coveted comfort, and once the workload increased, I felt repressed. I kept trying to find chances to relax my flesh, and I didn’t think about the church’s work or about fulfilling my responsibilities. I was truly selfish, lacking in humanity, and living in a lowly, worthless, and meaningless way. It was only at this point that I saw just how harmful satanic poisons are, and that living by these things only leads to being eliminated by God.

I thought of a passage of God’s words and looked it up to read it. Almighty God says: “Those who truly believe in God are all individuals who attend to their proper work, they are all willing to perform their duties, capable of shouldering a piece of work and doing it well according to their caliber and the regulations of God’s house. Of course, at the beginning of doing work, you may not have a clear idea of what to do or cannot grasp the principles, and it may feel a bit exhausting. However, if you have the resolve to do your part, are willing to seek the truth principles, and can achieve harmonious cooperation with others, then your performance of duty will naturally yield results, and at the same time you will easily put the truth into practice and cast off your corrupt dispositions, and you will be up to standard in your performance of duty. So, you have to pay a bit of a price. When you have the urge to be willful, you must pray to God, beseeching Him to discipline you, and you must rebel against the flesh and restrain yourself, making your selfish desires gradually diminish. You must seek God’s help in crucial matters, at crucial times, and in crucial tasks. If you do have resolve, then you should ask God to chasten and discipline you, and to enlighten you so that you may understand the truth, that way you will get better results. If you genuinely have resolve, and you come before God to pray and appeal, God will enlighten you; He will change your state and your thoughts. If the Holy Spirit does a little work, moving you a little, and enlightening you a little, your heart will change, and your state will be transformed. When this transformation in your state occurs, your repressive emotions will be somewhat alleviated, and you will be different from before. You will feel that living like this is not tiring. You will find enjoyment doing your duty in the house of God. You will feel that only being able to endure hardship, pay a price, follow the rules and do things based on principles in doing your duty is the kind of life a normal person ought to lead. You will feel that when you live by the truth and do your duty well, your heart is steady and at peace, and that only living in this way is meaningful” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (5)). From God’s words, I saw that those who truly believe in God attend to their proper work and are responsible in their duty. No matter what difficulties or how much pressure they face in their duty, they can accept and submit, and do not try to escape. They are able to take on an adult’s responsibilities and obligations, and when facing difficulties, they pray to and rely on God, seeking principles and paths of practice. Because of their pursuit and the price they pay, they can gain the Holy Spirit’s work and God’s guidance, find accurate principles of practice to follow in how they act, and achieve results in their duties. They thus feel relaxed and liberated. After understanding these things, I became willing to practice along this path going forward. When I again encountered situations that required my flesh to suffer, I consciously rebelled against my flesh, sought the truth, and no longer tried to escape. When the upper leaders followed up on and supervised the work, I could treat this properly, no longer resisting or feeling aversion, and when I had difficulties, I sought help from the upper leaders. Practicing in this way, I felt much more liberated.

Later, the CCP still hadn’t eased up on its arrests and persecution of the church, and gospel work, watering work, and the reelection of leaders and deacons were all obstructed due to the limitations of this situation. I was dealing with and resolving these problems every day, and the upper leaders were also continuously following up on and supervising the progress of these tasks, so I felt very irritable. I thought, “When will all this work ever be finished? If only I could get a break one of these days.” When I revealed these thoughts, I realized that my state wasn’t right, so I immediately prayed, asking God to guide me in rebelling against my thoughts and practicing His words. I read God’s words: “If you are a person with resolve, if you can treat the responsibilities and obligations that people should bear, the things that people with normal humanity must achieve, and those things that adults must accomplish as the aims and goals of your pursuit, and if you can shoulder your responsibilities, then no matter what price you pay and what pain you endure, you will not complain, and as long as you recognize it as God’s requirements and intentions, you will be able to endure any suffering and fulfill your duty. At that time, your state of mind will be different; in your heart, you will feel peace and stability, and experience enjoyment” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (5)). From God’s words, I came to understand that to escape from the emotions of repression, I had to change how I lived and not pursue fleshly comfort and enjoyment. Instead, I had to do my duty well and take on the responsibilities of an adult. In difficulties, I should pray to and rely on God, and seek truth principles. I could also seek help from upper leaders or fellowship and discuss matters with coworkers. As I pondered these things, my heart suddenly brightened, and I knew how I should practice. In early November, a nearby church suffered another round of arrests by the CCP, and the district leaders and many brothers and sisters were arrested. For a moment, it felt like dark storm clouds were pressing down over the city. The upper leaders wrote and asked me to take charge of the aftermath work and to also make proper arrangements for the books of God’s words. Although there were many difficulties, I no longer felt troubled or pained by them, and instead, I felt that this was my responsibility and that I had to give my full effort to cooperate and protect the brothers and sisters and the books of God’s words. It was God’s words that led me out of my emotions of repression, allowing me to understand the responsibilities I should bear in conducting myself. I gained a goal and direction in my duty. Thank God!