By Xiao Yi, Spain

When I was a child, because my parents were busy making a living and didn’t have time to take care of me, they sent me to my grandmother’s house to be raised. This was when the family planning census was happening, and since I wasn’t registered at my grandmother’s place, to avoid fines, every time the village did family planning checks, my grandmother would carry me and hide me away. The neighbors would mock me for not having a household registration, calling me “A Little Nobody,” and saying I was a child without a mother. Though I was just a child, I could still tell they were mocking me. I was very hurt. I didn’t want to see them or play with the other kids. A lot of the time, I’d be cooped up indoors all alone watching TV, or I’d play with my grandmother. My childhood was quite repressed and monotonous. Later, when I reached school age, my parents brought me back home. Because I was introverted, didn’t like to talk, and wouldn’t greet people, my mom would say I was slow, and not as sharp as my younger sister. I also thought I was quite lacking, so I became even less willing to communicate with people. Gradually, I found it difficult to communicate with others, and when talking to others, I wouldn’t know what to say or how to start a conversation. Sometimes I had things on my mind and views I wanted to express, but when I spoke, I’d keep mumbling due to nervousness and fear. Especially when talking to unfamiliar people in large groups, I would get so nervous that my face would turn red. So every time relatives came over or I had to attend a dinner party, I would always try to avoid it if I could, and if I couldn’t refuse, I’d just quietly sit in a corner, watching others chatting and laughing.

I was still like this after finding God. I remember once at a gathering, I saw that there were 50 or 60 people attending. I was immediately intimidated, and with so many people, I didn’t dare to speak. I was lacking in expression skills, so I felt that if I spoke unclearly or others didn’t understand, this would be really awkward and embarrassing. So every time the supervisor asked me to fellowship, I chose to stay silent and just listen. Sometimes, when I studied professional skills with brothers and sisters, the supervisor would ask us to share our thoughts, and I couldn’t help but get nervous and not dare to fellowship, afraid I’d speak unclearly. A few times, I had no choice but to fellowship after being called on by the supervisor, and while fellowshipping, I was so nervous that my voice changed, and my face got hotter the more I spoke. In the end, I couldn’t speak clearly and felt really embarrassed. I thought, “Why am I so useless? I’m just expressing my views, so why is this so hard and nerve-wracking? I can’t even speak clearly, I’m such an idiot!” Seeing the sisters I cooperated with fellowshipping so naturally and fluently, I felt so envious, “Why don’t I have such confidence and courage? Why is it so hard for me to speak or express my thoughts?” Later, the supervisor arranged for me to be a team leader. I thought to myself, “I’m introverted and not good with words, and when there are too many people, I don’t dare to speak. What if the brothers and sisters have questions and I can’t answer them clearly? Won’t that be awkward?” I just wanted the supervisor to find someone else, and I would rather just quietly be a team member. But I was afraid the supervisor would get a bad impression of me if I rejected the duty, so I dismissed that thought. When following up on brothers’ and sisters’ work afterward, I was still intimidated, and when they asked me questions, I always wanted others to answer, as I was afraid I wouldn’t explain things clearly or be able to solve their problems. When I couldn’t avoid it, I would force myself to say a few words, but I was still very nervous. Seeing myself like this, I felt very frustrated, and I realized that this state was severely affecting my normal communication with others and my ability to do my duties. If I didn’t turn this around soon, I’d become more and more passive in my duties, and this would be sure to delay the work. So I consciously sought the truth to resolve my issues.

One day, I read God’s words. “No matter what happens to them, when cowardly people meet with some difficulty, they shrink back. Why do they do this? One reason is that this is caused by their feeling of inferiority. Because they feel inferior, they do not dare to go before people, they cannot even take on the obligations and responsibilities they ought to take on, nor can they take on what they are actually capable of achieving within the scope of their own ability and caliber, and within the scope of the experience of their own humanity. This feeling of inferiority affects every aspect of their humanity, it affects their integrity and, of course, it also affects their personality. When around other people, they seldom express their own views, and you hardly ever hear them clarify their own standpoint or opinion. When they encounter an issue, they dare not speak, but instead constantly shrink back and retreat. When there are few people there, they feel brave enough to sit among them, but when there are a lot of people there, they look for a corner and head for where the lighting is dim, not daring to come among other people. Whenever they feel they would like to positively and actively say something and express their own views and opinions to show that what they think is right, they do not even have the courage to do that. Whenever they have such ideas, their feeling of inferiority comes pouring out all at once, and it controls them, stifles them, telling them, ‘Don’t say anything, you’re no good. Don’t express your views, just keep your ideas to yourself. If there is anything in your heart you really want to say, just make a note of it on the computer and ruminate on it by yourself. You must not let anyone else know about it. What if you said something wrong? It would be so embarrassing!’ This voice keeps telling you not to do this, not to do that, not to say this, not to say that, causing you to swallow back down every word you wish to say. When there is something you want to say that you have turned over in your heart for a long time, you beat a retreat and dare not say it, or else you feel embarrassed to say it, believing that you ought not to do it, and if you do it then you feel as though you have broken some rule or violated the law. And when one day you do actively express your own view, deep inside you feel incomparably perturbed and uneasy. Even though this feeling of great unease gradually fades, your feeling of inferiority slowly smothers the ideas, intentions and plans you have for wanting to speak, wanting to express your own views, wanting to be a normal person, and wanting to be just like everyone else. Those who don’t understand you believe you are a person of few words, quiet, with a shy personality, someone who does not like to stand out from the crowd. When you speak in front of lots of other people, you feel embarrassed and your face turns red; you are somewhat introverted, and only you, in actuality, know that you feel inferior. … Even though this feeling cannot be said to be a corrupt disposition, it has already caused a severely negative effect; it severely harms their humanity and has a great negative impact on the various emotions and the speech and actions of their normal humanity, with very serious consequences. Its minor influence is to affect their personality, their predilections and their ambitions; its major influence is to affect their objectives and direction in life. From the causes of this feeling of inferiority, from its process and from the consequences it brings to a person, from whichever aspect you look at it, is it not something that people should let go? (Yes.)” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). After reading God’s words, I realized that I felt really inferior. The state and manifestations of feeling inferior that God exposed were exhibited in me. My heart was bound by feelings of inferiority, and I always felt I wasn’t good enough in various ways. When interacting with people, I’d become afraid to speak when there were too many people, or I would hide in a corner and remain silent. In my duties, whenever I needed to express my thoughts, I would involuntarily become nervous, and my thoughts wouldn’t be about how to cooperate with everyone to fulfill my duties, but instead, I’d feel that my language skills were inadequate, that my speech was not on point, and I’d prefer to have others fellowship. When I had opinions or thoughts on certain issues, I would keep hesitating, thinking, “Should I speak out or not? Is my opinion right? Will others agree with me? Forget it, I better not say it. It’s best just to listen to others’ views.” I was often influenced by these thoughts, as if my mouth was sealed and my throat was blocked, causing me to be unable to express my views and position in many situations. The supervisor asked me to be a team leader, and I knew that having taken up this duty, I should fulfill my responsibilities, but every time I had to follow up on work, I could never get the words out, fearing that I wouldn’t be able to explain things clearly and the others wouldn’t understand. That would be really embarrassing! So I always wanted someone with better communication skills to answer the questions of the brothers and sisters, and I would just listen and agree from the side. As a result, I couldn’t fulfill my responsibilities that I should have fulfilled, and I became ever more passive in my duties. This negative feeling of inferiority truly had a huge impact on me, making me more and more timid and passive, and even unable to communicate normally with others. I lost my sense of responsibility and drive, and I increasingly judged myself negatively and passed verdicts on myself, and my desire to retreat kept growing stronger. I saw just how painful being bound and restrained by these feelings of inferiority was.

Afterward, I sought solutions for this issue, and I read God’s words. “On the surface, inferiority is an emotion that manifests in people; but in fact, the root cause of it is Satan’s corruption, the environment people live in, and people’s own objective reasons. All of mankind lies under the power of the evil one, deeply corrupted by Satan, and no one teaches the next generation in accordance with the truth, with the words of God, instead, they do so in accordance with the things that come from Satan. Therefore, the consequence of teaching the next generation and mankind the things of Satan, besides corrupting the dispositions and essence of people, is that it causes negative emotions to arise in people. If the negative emotions that arise are temporary, then they will not have a tremendous effect on a person’s life. However, if a negative emotion becomes deeply rooted within the innermost heart and soul of a person and it becomes indelibly stuck there, if they are completely unable to forget about it or get rid of it, then it will necessarily affect that person’s every decision, the way they approach all manner of people, events, and things, what they choose when faced with major matters of principle, and the path they will walk in their life—this is the effect real human society has on every single person. The other aspect is people’s own objective reasons. That is, the education and teachings people receive as they grow up, all the thoughts and ideas along with the ways of conducting oneself that they accept, as well as the various human sayings, all come from Satan, to the point where people have no ability to handle and dispel these issues they encounter from the correct perspective and standpoint. Therefore, unknowingly under the influence of this harsh environment, and being oppressed and controlled by it, man can do nothing but develop various negative emotions and use them to try to resist problems he has no ability to resolve, change, or dispel. Let us take the feeling of inferiority as an example. Your parents, teachers, your elders, and others around you all have an unrealistic assessment of your caliber, humanity, and integrity, and ultimately what this does to you is attack you, persecute you, stifle you, fetter you, and bind you. Finally, when you do not have the strength to resist anymore, you have no choice but to choose a life of silently accepting insults and humiliation, silently accepting, against your better judgment, this kind of unfair and unjust reality. When you accept this reality, the emotions that ultimately arise in you are not happy, satisfied, positive or progressive ones; you do not live with more motivation and direction, much less do you pursue the accurate and correct goals for human life, but rather a profound feeling of inferiority arises in you. When this emotion arises in you, you feel you have nowhere to turn. When you encounter an issue that requires you to express a view, you will consider what you want to say and the view you wish to express in your innermost heart who knows how many times, yet you still cannot bring yourself to speak it out loud. When someone expresses the same view that you hold, you allow yourself to feel an affirmation in your heart, confirmation that you are not worse than other people. But when the same situation happens again, you still say to yourself, ‘I can’t speak casually, do anything rash, or make myself a laughingstock. I’m no good, I’m stupid, I’m foolish, I’m an idiot. I need to learn how to hide and just listen, not speak.’ From this we can see that, from the point when the feeling of inferiority arises to when it becomes deeply entrenched within a person’s innermost heart, are they not then deprived of their free will and of the legitimate rights bestowed upon them by God? (Yes.) They have been deprived of these things” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). After reading God’s words, I began to reflect on why I was so timid and had such feelings of inferiority, and I couldn’t help but think of my past. When I was young, to avoid the family planning census, I was raised at my grandmother’s house, and I often had to run and hide with my grandmother. This cast a shadow on my heart, and I became really timid. Because my parents weren’t around, an auntie from my neighbor’s family mocked me as “A Little Nobody,” and children my age also mocked me as a motherless child. It felt like I was living beneath a gray and sunless sky, and I felt really lonely and repressed, thinking that I was different from the other children. They had both their parents by their side, but I didn’t. After all this, I didn’t like going out, I was afraid to meet people, and I became more and more taciturn. After starting school, because I was timid and lacked a sense of security, I rarely spoke with my classmates during breaks. I’d watch them chatting, laughing, and playing after class, but I could only watch and envy them, always feeling that I was different from them. One experience that left a deep impression on me happened during a Chinese class. Because my voice was so soft when I answered a question, the teacher sarcastically said, “I should get you a megaphone,” and as soon as she said this, the entire class burst out laughing. At that moment, I felt like the laughingstock of the entire class, and I just wanted to hide my face. Because of my average grades and the teacher’s disdain, after being mocked like that, my self-esteem was severely wounded. After returning to my parents’ home, I saw that they often argued, and I felt even more repressed and lonely. Because I was stuck in this emotional state for a long time, I had to digest many thoughts and feelings on my own in my heart. Since I was always quiet and came across as awkward when handling people or situations, my parents approached me with feelings of anger and helplessness, and they’d say to me, “Are you stupid? You can’t even speak properly, it’s like you’re tongue-tied!” Over time, I began to accept that I was good-for-nothing and that I was bad with words, and these evaluations became plastered onto me like stickers, leaving me with a lasting feeling of inferiority. Even at this point, when I needed to express my views in my duties, I’d clearly have opinions and ideas but I’d be too afraid to speak, always fearing that my words might be unsuitable and therefore be rejected, making me appear even worse. But in reality, many of my views and suggestions later proved to be suitable and worth considering. Reflecting on these things, I began to understand more clearly the reasons for my feelings of inferiority. Due to the influence of external circumstances, I had constantly judged myself negatively and passed verdicts on myself, and over time, I lost my initiative, and in both my communication with others and my performance of my duties, I became increasingly passive and timid.

Later, I read God’s words. “Regardless of what situation caused your feeling of inferiority to arise or who or what event caused it to arise, you should harbor the correct understanding toward your own caliber, your strengths, your talents, and your own character. It is not right to feel inferior, nor is it right to feel superior—they are both negative emotions. Inferiority can bind your actions, bind your thoughts, and influence your views and standpoint. Similarly, superiority has this negative effect, too. Therefore, whether it is inferiority or another negative emotion, you should harbor the correct understanding toward the interpretations that lead to the arising of this emotion. Firstly, you should understand that those interpretations are incorrect, and whether it is regarding your caliber, your talent, or your character, the assessments and conclusions they make about you are always wrong. So, how can you accurately evaluate and know yourself, and break away from the feeling of inferiority? You should take God’s words as the basis for gaining knowledge of yourself, learning what your humanity, caliber, and talent are like, and what strengths you have. … In this kind of situation, you must make a correct evaluation and take the correct measure of yourself according to God’s words. You should establish what you have learned and where your strengths lie, and go out and do whatever it is that you can do; as for those things which you cannot do, your shortcomings and deficiencies, you should reflect on and know them, and you should also accurately evaluate and know what your caliber is like, and whether it is good or bad. If you cannot understand or gain clear knowledge of your own problems, then ask the people around you with understanding to make an appraisal of you. Regardless of whether what they say is accurate, it will at least give you something to reference and will enable you to have a basic judgment or characterization of yourself. You can then solve the essential problem of negative emotions like inferiority, and gradually emerge from them. Such feelings of inferiority are easy to resolve if one can discern them, awaken to them, and seek the truth” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). After reading God’s words, I found the way to let go of my feelings of inferiority. It was to evaluate myself objectively and justly based on God’s words. I couldn’t continually wallow in these old memories, being constrained by shadows of the past and others’ wrong evaluations of me, to the point of even letting these things control my thoughts and life. I should measure and evaluate myself according to God’s words, and view my strengths and weaknesses correctly. I could also consider the evaluations of those around me to objectively judge myself. I remembered how the brothers and sisters who I cooperated with evaluated me. They said my caliber was average, that my understanding was not skewed, that I had my own thoughts when facing situations, and that I had a sense of burden and responsibility in my duties. I saw that although I wasn’t very capable and astute, and didn’t have very high caliber, I wasn’t someone of poor caliber or without thoughts. Moreover, my brothers and sisters didn’t dislike me for being introverted and poor at speaking. Instead, when I got nervous and couldn’t speak clearly, they helped clarify and add to what I was trying to say. This made me feel the genuine help between brothers and sisters, with no belittling or disdain.

Later, I read more of God’s words. “People living in normal humanity are also restricted by many bodily instincts and bodily needs. … Sometimes people may be constrained by feelings and bodily needs, and sometimes they may be subject to the restrictions of bodily instincts, or to the restrictions of time and personality—this is normal and natural. For example, some people have been quite introverted since childhood; they are not fond of talking and struggle to associate with others. Even as adults in their thirties or forties, they still can’t overcome this personality: They are still not adept at speech or good with words, nor are they good at associating with others. After they become a leader, this personality trait limits and hinders their work to a certain degree, and this often causes them distress and frustration, making them feel very constrained. Introversion and not being fond of talking are manifestations of normal humanity. Since they are manifestations of normal humanity, are they considered transgressions to God? No, they are not transgressions, and God will treat them correctly. Regardless of your problems, defects, or flaws, none of these are issues in God’s eyes. God only looks at how you seek the truth, practice the truth, act according to the truth principles, and follow God’s way under the inherent conditions of normal humanity—these are what God looks at” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). After reading God’s words, my heart felt brighter. I always disliked myself for being introverted and poor at speaking, and I was often looked down upon and belittled by classmates and colleagues, but God says that these things are manifestations of normal humanity. I finally realized that being introverted and poor at speaking isn’t wrong, and that it’s not something to be ashamed of. A person’s inherent personality cannot be changed, and God’s work isn’t meant to change a person’s personality, to turn introverts into extroverts, or those who aren’t good at speaking into eloquent speakers. Rather, God’s work focuses on cleansing and changing a person’s corrupt disposition, and God does not condemn shortcomings and deficiencies within normal humanity. What God looks at is whether a person can pursue the truth, and whether they can listen to and practice according to His words. Understanding this, I no longer felt troubled by my introverted personality or poor speaking skills, and I no longer disliked myself. I should treat my shortcomings correctly, and when I have to express my opinion, I shouldn’t always think, “I can’t do it. I’m introverted and bad at speaking,” and instead, I must fulfill my responsibilities and act according to principles. Moving forward in my duties, I consciously practiced according to God’s words.

Later, when I followed up on the work, I noticed that some brothers and sisters were passive in their duties. I thought about spurring them on, but when I was about to send a message, I became worried, thinking, “How should I say this? Will they respond actively to the message? If they ask me questions and I can’t answer them clearly, it’ll be so awkward!” Thinking this way, I didn’t dare to send the message. I realized that I had once again been bound by my feelings of inferiority. I thought about the words of God I’d read a few days prior: “Regardless of your problems, defects, or flaws, none of these are issues in God’s eyes. God only looks at how you seek the truth, practice the truth, act according to the truth principles, and follow God’s way under the inherent conditions of normal humanity—these are what God looks at” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). At that moment, I felt that I had direction and a path. Regardless of whether my brothers and sisters responded actively, I should still fulfill my responsibility. So I sent a message to urge them on in their work. When they asked me some questions, I answered as much as I knew, and practicing this way made me feel at ease. I experienced that God’s words are truly the direction and criteria for how people should act.

Later, a sister reminded me to reflect: Apart from being affected by feelings of inferiority, what corrupt dispositions were constraining me when I was always passive and shrank back in my duty? The sister sent me a passage of God’s words. “Family conditions people not just with one or two sayings, but with a whole host of well-known quotations and aphorisms. For example, do your family elders and parents often mention the saying ‘A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies’? (Yes.) They are telling you: ‘People must live for the sake of their reputation. People should seek nothing else in their lifetime, other than to forge a good reputation and leave a good impression in the minds of others. Whoever you talk to, speak pleasant-sounding words to them, speak only words of flattery and kindness, and don’t offend them. Instead, do more good things and kind acts.’ This particular conditioning effect exerted by family has a certain impact on people’s behavior or principles of conduct, with the inevitable consequence that they attach great importance to fame and gain. That is, they attach great importance to their own reputation, prestige, the impression they create in people’s minds, and others’ evaluation of everything they do and every opinion they express. People place great importance on fame and gain, so the words of those well-known sayings and principles for dealing with things in traditional culture take on a dominant position in their hearts, even completely occupying them. Imperceptibly, they come to see it as unimportant whether they are doing their duty in accordance with the truth and principles, and they may even abandon such considerations entirely. In their hearts, those satanic philosophies and well-known sayings of traditional culture, such as ‘A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies,’ become especially important. … Everything you do is not for the sake of practicing the truth, nor in order to satisfy God, but rather, it is for the sake of your own reputation. In this way, what has everything that you do effectively become? It has effectively become a religious act. What has become of your essence? You have become the archetype of a Pharisee. What has become of your path? It has become the path of antichrists. That is how God characterizes it. So, the essence of everything you do has become tainted, it’s no longer the same; you are not practicing the truth or pursuing it, but instead you are pursuing fame and gain. Ultimately as far as God is concerned, the performance of your duty is—in a word—not up to standard. Why is that? Because you are devoted only to your own reputation, rather than to that which God has entrusted to you, or to your duty as a created being. … Because the essence of everything you do is solely for the sake of your reputation, and solely in order to put into practice the saying ‘A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies.’ You are not pursuing the truth, and yet you yourself don’t know that. You think there is nothing wrong with this saying, because shouldn’t people live for the sake of their reputation? As the common saying goes, ‘A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies.’ This saying seems very positive and legitimate, so you unconsciously accept its conditioning effect and regard it as a positive thing. Once you regard this saying as a positive thing, you are unknowingly pursuing it and putting it into practice. At the same time, you unknowingly and confusedly misconstrue it as the truth criterion. When you regard it as the truth criterion, you no longer listen to what God says, nor can you understand it. You blindly put into practice this motto, ‘A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies,’ and act in accordance with it, and what you ultimately get out of that is a good reputation. You have gained what you wanted to gain, but in doing so you have violated and abandoned the truth, and lost the chance to be saved” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (12)). From God’s words, I realized that I’d always been deeply influenced by the idea “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies,” and that I had always valued my reputation highly, caring a lot about what others would think of me. I was just like a puppet, bound by pride and status. I thought about how the supervisor assigning me as the team leader was actually a great opportunity for me to train. When communicating and learning together with brothers and sisters, this was also a good opportunity for me to make up for what I lacked. If my views were wrong, brothers and sisters could help me correct any deviations. But I was always constrained by my pride, and when I saw there were many people and I had to share my views, my first reaction was always, “I can’t do this.” I was afraid of exposing my shortcomings, and brothers and sisters forming a bad impression of me and looking down on me. As a result, I didn’t say what should have been said or fulfill the responsibilities that I should have fulfilled, which made me very passive in doing my duties. I placed too much importance on my personal pride and status. To protect my pride and status, I missed many opportunities to practice the truth and fulfill my responsibilities, and I missed so many chances to receive the Holy Spirit’s work. I had to consciously practice the truth and no longer live for pride or status.

Later, because of work needs, I had to do my duties in another team, and the team leader asked me to follow up on the brothers’ and sisters’ work and lead the group gatherings. I thought to myself, “I’m not good at speaking. If I don’t explain things clearly, and brothers and sisters don’t understand, won’t that make people look down on me?” I felt a bit nervous and on edge. But I realized that God had allowed this duty to come upon me to give me a burden, and to let me train more. Therefore, I accepted this duty. At first, when I gathered with brothers and sisters, I co-hosted with my partner, and I was still nervous before fellowshipping, worrying that if I didn’t fellowship well, the brothers and sisters would look down on me. But when I thought about how this was my duty, I felt a sense of responsibility, and I was able to fellowship courageously. Although I was still nervous during fellowship, after a few gatherings, I found that after I carefully pondered God’s words, I wasn’t as nervous when I fellowshipped. I didn’t care too much whether my fellowship was good or bad, and I felt much more at ease. My being able to make even this bit of change was a result of God’s words guiding me. Thank God!